Post # 1
So, I am a bridesmaid in my best frirend’s wedding. We have been friends for 13 years and definitly the person I’m closest to. Even though we live far apart we still manage to see each other about once a year. My husband has even gotten close to her fiance and will be a groomsmen in the wedding as well-which is so special to me. Her wedding is in September, and I’ve just been having a hard time managing our relationship. Here is a list of the of things that have happened between us in the last couple months:
-There was first tension over the fact that I wasn’t picked as the maid of honor. The friend she did pick she’s only known for a year or so. I wasn’t mean anything, I just simply asked who her maid of honor was, and she told me. I guess I sounded disapointed and my friend told me it would have been me but we just live 12 hours away and wanted someone who lived close. I told her I understood and it was fine.
-She is having a bacherlotte party, and I cannot attend. My work schedule in the summer is so crazy, and her party weekend landed on the same week that I’m managing a day camp for kids. So, I can’t possibly get off work. She was pretty upset, since her and her fiance and driven to visit use twice in the last couple years, and we haven’t made it up to visit them. I understood why she was upset, and planned a visit during a different weekend when my work wasn’t so crazy. Thought we could have our own celebration then. She said okay but still seemed upset. Was this horrible of me?
-I texted her once and asked about a detail about the wedding. I’m just so happy for her and want to be involved, and I just got married in October and I relied so much on her in the planning. Her response, “Don’t worry about it. All you have to do is show up.” That really hurt my feelings
-Lastly, and most recenlty I found this guy we used to go to high school with on facebok and saw that he these crazy pictures made of himself in space. I texted her about it, I guess to have someone to laugh about it with. And she got super mad, and told me not to be so judgemental and I shouldn’t make fun of his spirituality, and she shares many of his views. I think she was offended because she shares the same spirtual beliefs. I told her I wasn’t coming down on him for that, just his silly pictures. That was last week and we haven’t talked since.
I guess I’m just really struggling with this relationship, and have some hurt feelings. We’ve always been close, but the last couple months our relationship has been super strained. Any advice on how to deal? Her wedding is in September, and I’m just afraid about being in her wedding party if we’re not really getting along. Any advice would be great!
Post # 2
Not bad of you to not attend the bachelorette party due to work. the Maid/Matron of Honor could have made an effort to check schedules with the other bridesmaids before picking a date. Your life can’t revolve around her wedding, and messing with your professional life to attend a bach party is silly.
The rest- I would just give her a call and hash it out. Let her know that you’re happy and willing to help with any planning that she needs. If she doesn’t want/doesnt need your help…that is okay too. It sounds like she’s making a very concious effort not to overburden you since you live 12 hours away, so maybe she interpreted your text message as you complaining/being concerned with helping with planning and she was letting you know she doesn’t need a lot of your help. I was wary of asking bm’s for help because I knew everyone had busy lives and i didnt want to be a pain in the ass.
Its hard to convey tone over text, so i’d give her a call and just hash it out and move on.
Post # 3
You say that her and her Fiance have come to visit you twice in the last year and you haven’t gone to visit her at all, is that right? I think this may have a lot to do with it honestly. It sounds like a little thing, but it does really hurt when you feel like you’re putting all of the effort into maintaining a relationship. I get that work and life get in the way. It’s hard when you have a long distance best friend. I’m in the same boat and I’m almost ALWAYS the one initiating our visits/phone calls/texts/etc. It gets frustrating. However when I need her, my BFF really does step up to the plate and I love her for it.
How often are you two talking on the phone or texting (not about wedding stuff)? Do you initiate those calls? Or is she often the one reaching out to you?
ETA: Also, I wanted to add that some of this could simply be a misunderstanding/miscommunication. It sounds like the majority of your conversations are via text message, and it’s easy to get your signals crossed that way. Her response that all you have to do is show up could easily have been misinterpreted. She probably didn’t mean it in a negative way. Heck, most people on the Bee will tell you that that is EXACTLY what she should be saying.
Post # 4
llevinso : I totally get that! I’ve moved so much, so I’m maintaining several long distsance friendships. They have visited us twice in the last three years. First, they visited us when we lived and worked on an organic farm in the mountains of New Hampshire. Then, they visited us when we lived here in Asheville, NC. Honestly, we havent visited them because they still live in the horrible town that we went to high school. A suburb of Cleveland, Ohio. It’s just we can’t afford to get away much, so when we do I really don’t want to drive 12 hours to go hang out in a suburb of Cleveland. Ugh. But, that it probably wrong of me. Which is why I am planning a weekend trip to see her about a month before the wedding.
We used to talk and text on a regular basis, now not so much. And, it feels like it’s me starting the conversations. I guess I’m just hurt because I just got married in October and I relied on her so much for advice about the wedding. And it hurts that she doesn’t need me.
Post # 5
italianbride0508 : That’s true. I guess the Maid/Matron of Honor and my friend could have asked which dates would work. There is only 3 of us in her wedding party, so it might not have been hard to find a weekend that worked. But, a date was just picked without any input, so I guess she can’t be too mad at me for that.
Post # 6
edobbs87 : “It’s just we can’t afford to get away much, so when we do I really don’t want to drive 12 hours to go hang out in a suburb of Cleveland. Ugh.”
I totally get that. I really really do. But it probably feels crappy on her end to think that if she just lived somewhere “cooler” that you’d be down to visit. My best friend lives in a tiny town in Louisiana and it is NOT FUN to hang out there. But I go at least once a year just to see her. I don’t give a crap about the town. My visit is about bonding with my bestie.
But also, does it need to be a 12 hour drive? You can’t fly in?
Also I edited my comment above I think WHILE you were replying. I think a lot of this is a misunderstanding. You two need to actually pick up the phone and talk to each other. Texting isn’t the way to go here.
Post # 7
OP, don’t take this the wrong way but I can’t help but wonder, does she harbour any upset feelings regarding your wedding? Presumably she was your MOH?
Maybe she felt a lot of pressure to be more involved in yours, maybe she felt you were disappointed she couldn’t be? I’m totally guessing here…
I think more than anything you guys just need to talk about it, like really talk. Let her know that you feel bad you haven’t been able to visit more, can’t be there for the bachelorette and that you are looking forward to coming prior to the wedding, etc. and that you want to be more involved, if she’ll have you. On the phone you should really get a sense for whether or not anything is really wrong. If you get that feeling, just flat out ask her if something is bothering her.. I think that’s really all you can do.
Absolutely do not feel bad about the bachelorette! That was silly to plan a date without checking with anyone. Work is work.
Post # 8
danier : good advice! She was not my Maid/Matron of Honor because we didn’t have a wedding party. But she was the only nonfamily member that was with me the whole night before and the whole day of-so she basically was. Maybe I annoyed her during my wedding planning and she doesn’t want to do it to me. Guess a phone call is necessary.
Post # 9
This may be nothing to do with anything , but the strange annoyance and affront over those pictures sort of suggests to me that she has – how shall I put it – had some sort of religious experience or conversion or the like …
If this is the case, it could be that you now belong to a past she thinks she has transcended. It might also explain the the new friend being Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 10
edobbs87 : you and your bff sound so identical (in many ways) To me and my “bff”. I’m the one for years to continue on with the friendship once we became long distant and our careers, love lives, etc changed. I can’t compare it to you and your friend, but for me I got sick of things. I care for her deeply. She has a good heart, but she lacks in SO many areas. I can’t tell you how many times in those yrs I reached out to hang, drove to our hometown (where she still lives), helped her with her wedding or be there to answer her call at 4am. She on the other hand, isn’t there for me like that. I’m her Maid/Matron of Honor and she didn’t even tell me she was technically already married. Not to get into the whole debate, just saying it hurt I wasn’t important enough to know the wonderful news. We actually texted today, but we hadn’t for over 2 months. I’m getting to know a new friend and we text everyday. I know it hurts, but it sounds like she has become closer to this new friend. Maybe they talk everyday or atleast alot more often? I read your updates about not being keen about going to visit her. I don’t want to seem rude, but that’s the same attitude that my friend has. Maybe she notices the vibes you give off? When I become engaged Idk if I’ll ask her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor (I do care for her deeply) or ask my other bff. My guess is she feels like you’re not there for her like she is you (Bach party)? And the comment about the HS classmate just set her off. I think maybe you need to reflect on the friendship and find holes that possible need to be patched to salvage things. Maybe be direct and ask her?
Post # 11
edobbs87 : i had a bridesmaid who was upset she wasn’t maid of honor, but then wouldn’t taken the time to attend events that are very special to brides. Like bachelorette. I feel if i accepted to be in a bridal party that means I’ve accepted that I may need to make arrangements to go celebrate these events.
She probably feels hurt too. If she said just show up she probably thinks you should be doing more. I would just keep reaching out. Brides are stressed and extremely sensitive. Your job is to keep her calm and make her life easier. I would continue to try and stay involved and don’t back down. Just be a good friend and Don’t let her get to you. Chances are she’s being too sensitive.
Post # 12
Hmmm after watching some new shows, the whole new religion thing seems iffy…. how is her new friend? Is she now communicating with you on purpose? Have you added each other on fb to discuss things like the bachelorette party and she disregarded talking to you?
On the other hand, one of my best friends who I thought would be my Maid/Matron of Honor moved away to Alberta (we are from Ontario), and we see eachother once or twice a year when she comes down to visit. Now through the years with her constant negativity everytime she visits and acting like I need to be her personal driver dropping her off at other friends places and such because she spent $800 to visit… we are not as close, but still talk on the phone and text each other. She seems to be putting her life together, however being a 3 day drive away (or a 4 hour flight) I am not asking her to do anything besides coming to get her nails done with me the week of the wedding when she’s in town and then spending the morning to get ready the day off. She still is one of my bridesmaids since I didn’t want her to flip her shit and can her algether, but I think she will do fine. She was however planning on getting a flight Saturday morning on the day of my wedding to get into town…. even though she knew she needed to be with us getting ready at 8am…. so I never know where her head is at, but now she is coming the weekend before and staying the week.
I would talk to her and see what is bugging her if anything, I try to be nice over the phone, but will throw in real talk in a caring way so you can get the real deal without pitch forks coming out. She may have a change of heart when she hears it in your voice that you want to be there for her.
Post # 13
It’s not a requirement to spend money or be there for every event to be a MOH- it’s considered an “honour” for a reason, and I normally feel like the bride should choose the closest friend/family member. That being said, it is definitely helpful to have another close friend, who has the time to spend on helping the bride. I know that should be the husband’s job, but it’s fun to share the experience with a friend and have their support during the process.
I think that she made the right decision in choosing her other friend, to be honest. It’s unfortunate that you can’t make it to the bachelorette, but since you haven’t made a big effort in visiting her in the last few years, it’s understandable that she wouldn’t choose you. Yes, she could’ve planned around your schedule, but then she’d have to do that for everyone and that’s difficult.
In regards to her reply letting you know that she doesn’t expect your input, and that she only expects you to show up….this is a little strange but do you only communicate via text? It could be coming off to her that you’re putting minimal effort to show that you tried. Or maybe she doesn’t want you to stress and she understands that you’re very busy! If I were you, I’d set up a phone or skype date with her…if you want her to keep you in the loop, you have to show her that you’re interested and not too busy (even if you are, a phone date every week or every other week could help you guys build closeness again).
Post # 14
zombeee : I just feel like she could have made an effort to plan with my schedule. She didn’t even ask, just picked a date. There are only 2 other people in the bridal party so it might not have too hard. But, it’s not a big deal-I just feel like she shouldn’t be mad.
I appreciate the input about her “just show up” comment. I get that maybe she doesn’t want to concern me or ask too much of me. But, if your bride’s maid is asking and showing interest then I thought it was a pretty rude to respond that way.
I guess I need to have a phone call.
Post # 15
edobbs87 : “There are only 2 other people in the bridal party so it might not have too hard. But, it’s not a big deal-I just feel like she shouldn’t be mad.”
You’re right in that she shouldn’t be mad since you weren’t consulted anyway. But, as I said before, I’m assuming she’s mostly upset because of the rest of the stuff going on in your relationship.
But I just wanted to point out that just because there are only 2 other people in the bridal party doesn’t mean that scheduling isn’t still tough. When I was engaged one of my friends decided to throw me a shower, even though I said she didn’t have to. Well, she was so busy with other things and I was obviously busy getting ready for the wedding that literally there was only ONE weekend that worked for both of our schedules for this shower. That was it.
You just need to pick up the phone and have a good, long talk with this girl. Until you actually talk to her about all this stuff, this is all just one big guessing game.