Post # 1
I need opinions, bees! First, a little background:
One of my closest friends, “Kate” is getting married this Nov. I have known her since I was about 14 when I moved across the street (~10yrs). We have been through everything together, HS/college/her having a baby, etc. She has already asked me to be a bridesmaid, picked out the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, and gotten a good start on planning. I have to keep in touch with her thru FB, phone/texting because I moved to another state almost 2 years ago.
This past week after contacting her about something Not Wedding Related, her plans came up and she told me they were likely going to be getting married on a cruise. Awesome, right? I like cruises, still get to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, get a vacation. I’ve been on cruises before, so I had a general idea of what it might cost (mine have been around four/five hundred per person). She is normally pretty budget conscious so I figured she’d do her research and get a good deal. So I said that I was super excited about it and still looking forward to being there for everything.
In hindsight maybe I shouldn’t have jumped on that response so quickly because THEN I found out she picked a cruise that costs $900 per person (to START- this is the lowest price for a basic interior stateroom)! It is also the week prior to Thanksgiving (meaning she pushed her date back from the very beginning of the month..which means even more time off work, etc). So 900/ea, plus airfare, plus alcohol/excursions/dress/other Bridesmaid or Best Man costs (she is probably still having a shower) it is going to be way, way over 2k for us to attend. I have been talking to SO about it and he is basically really annoyed about the decision and does NOT want to go…and I do not want to go alone! (Also add in the fact that it’s a DISNEY cruise line which will be full of families w/ kids…. we don’t really care for kids that much so this just makes it even less appealing.)
So after all that, here is my dilemma: Do I start saving and keep my word and be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, or gracefully back out and wish her the best? This might sound silly but the main reason keeping me from backing out is wanting her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man in my (future) wedding and not having it be awkward to ask. What do you guys think? Thanks for reading btw!
Post # 3
I think if you guys are really close & you approach it the right way that you’ll be able to work something out between the two of you.
But firstly you have to decide whether the cost is worth it to you. If it is, then start saving, if it isn’t then you need to broach the situation gently and simply explain that it is much more expensive than you had originally thought & are not sure you will be able to afford it.
While she may be disappointed, she has to realize that this may have been a possibility when she decided to go with a cruise [not everyone is made of money & to expect that is ludicrous].
Personally, I would back out, too rich for my blood. But that’s just me.
Post # 4
I would just explain to her that you didn’t realize how expensive the cruise would be and that while you would still love to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man that at this point in your life you can’t afford it. Try to keep it positive and sound like your excited for her and she will probably understand.
Post # 5
I totally get your wanting to back out based on teh cost. I think she has to understand the fact that the cruise is more expensive than you thought, that you can’t make it. I mean she’s bound to be disappointed, but if you are that close, the cost is something she’s going to have to understand. If she doesn’t, well then maybe she’s not that great of a friend…And hey, totally get you on the Disney cruise too. I would NOT want to go on one myself. Carnival at Christmas was bad enough for all the kids! I actually had to back out on a friends wedding because of the change and timing of whatn the wedding happened and the travel being too much for me for cost. It was unfortunate but when I added up the costs, I just couldn’t do it.
Post # 6
I would back out, too. I can’t believe she didn’t tell you it would be a destination wedding before she asked you! I had to back out of being in my very close cousin’s wedding because it was too far of a drive during finals week (and it was a weekday), but she’s going to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man in mine, still. I felt awkward asking her for about two seconds, but that was it. She still included me in the bach party and shower, which was very sweet of her, so I still felt like an honorary Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Whatever you do, though, decide soon! As in, tomorrow. You have a perfectly logical reason to back out now, but if you wait, she’ll resent you for stringing her along.
Post # 7
Yikes! For me I would tell her that you are super excited to be her Bridesmaid or Best Man but now with the room being so expensive you might have to back out. I would be honest and tell her that you thought the cruise would be cheaper & now that it was pushed back to the holidays that maybe interfere with your holiday plans.
i’ve been on Disney cruises myself before and I don’t have kids but had a blast. There are plenty to do and plenty of room to get away from the kids. On the cruises they have the drink packages so you can set the amount of alcohol, plus you don’t have to join all the excursions either. Instead of having to go out and spend money on swimming with the dolphins just walk around the port you are in.
If you do back out maybe suggest to her that you would like to do a celebration cruise at a later time when you both have extra money and then go on a cheaper cruiseline like Carnival or something like that.
Post # 8
@jo.lee: I don’t think she initially was planning a destination wedding. Apparently they decided to do this because they were having trouble getting money/fighting about money from her FI’s family? Didn’t make much sense to me.
I did some browsing on my own once she told me the dates/ports of call, etc. There is definitely more than one cruise around that time that goes to the same ports minus Disney’s own private island. There was a nice Royal Caribbean one that started around 500/person. I feel like I’d be more willing to go for it if it were along those lines.
@Ms Sassy: I know the excursions would be an addt’l expense but we have been to some of the places it ports at on vacation before (not on a cruise) so there are things we already know we’d want to do. Not that it’s like her fault we want to do excursions but just the fact we wouldn’t have that extra money because the cruise itself is (IMO) overpriced. Good to know your experience w/ Disney wasn’t bad though!
ETA: thanks for the advice ladies! 🙂
Post # 9
I have a friend who is in a similar situation. I would also have to back out if I were you – I just don’t have that kind of money, or that much vacation time off, to spend on another person’s wedding. I am assuming that she must know that some people will not be able to make it bc of the cost. I agree with PPs, just keep it positive and still try to support her however you can (going to the shower, helping her get her dress, etc.)
Post # 10
Did you hear the cost of the cruise from her or from someone else?
If it was from someone else, I think that gives you the perfect reason to call her. Tell her what you have heard. Ask for the information. If it is too expensive tell her right then and there that you are sorry but you just can’t afford it.
Tell her that you care for her, and that you hope this won’t interfere with your close friendship, but that you wanted her to know asap if you had to step down as a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Keep in touch with her- ask questions about her wedding plans-offer your assistance where possible. In other words, show her that you still care about her.
Post # 11
@julies1949: She told me the cost herself. I don’t really speak with anyone in her family anymore partially due to distance and we don’t have a lot of mutual friends actually. However, she did not tell me the cost or the dates she had picked until after I said I was still interested upon learning of the cruise plans.
note: I think she will definitely understand, as she alluded to the fact that not everyone would be able to afford it and said she hoped we could still go. And we are close enough that I don’t think she will hold it against me. I just feel awkward having already jumped at the idea and now having to back out AFTER the fact, because I made the mistake of not asking for details beforehand.
Post # 12
I understand the part about not wanting to disaoppoint her, now that you’ve somewhat agreed to the cruise. But she can’t really hold you to that, especially since she knows you agreed before she gave you a price. What if she came back with $4000 per person? You wouldn’t feel held to it, just because you were excited originally, right? If the cost is too much, it’s too much. But I would recommend telling her as soon as possible. Holding out for very long, would be on you.
Post # 13
Wow, I couldn’t afford that.
I would tell her as soon as possible the honest truth. Tell her you’ve been so excited about being a Bridesmaid or Best Man and you want her to go through with these plans because this is what she wants, but you just can’t afford it. Just make sure to leave her with plenty of time to find someone else.
Honestly, I would guess she’s going to be hearing this from more than just you. That’s a LOT of money.
Post # 14
I think you should be honest about your finances. If $2,000 is too much for you to spend, it’s just too much. There isn’t much that you can do about it. I know that for me, right now, I could never spend $2000 to attend a wedding. I just graduated from law school, just started my first job, and have 92K in law school debt to repay.
Just be honest with your friend. If you can’t do it, you just can’t do it. Perhaps she has something in her budget to pay half, or maybe she’d be wiling to choose another cruise.
Post # 15
Its not really fair of her to ask you before you knew how much it was going to be. I am haveing a Destination Wedding and waited until I had a date and venue before I asked anyone since I knew people couldn’t commit and then I’d say well guess what it’s in Northern Ireland. When I asked I made it clear that I know I am asking a LOT and I felt bad, still do. So I am amazed at how unconsiderate people are.
You should ask her to shop around some more, or tell her you drop out, if you can’t afford it you shouldn’t go into dept. Its her fault for asking prematurly.
Post # 16
I am with many other girls on this post in that I, too, would probably back out if the cost is too much. For me, that would be a ridiculously expensive amount of money to put down, and I think many of the other women said it gracefully when they said that you could always talk to her and tell her that almost two grand is out of your budget.
Also, you could tell her that you would love to have her in your wedding in the future, and you would still love to help her in any other ways you can, such as with invitations, bridal showers, and the other things that come along with being a bridesmaid. You aren’t backing out of being a friend or supporter throughout this, you are just saying that $900 is too much to pay, and you will help however else you can? That sounds fair to me. Hope all goes well!