- Miss Pez
- 5 years ago
I am not trying to conceive! Nor am I pregnant! I needed to out myself on that first. But I am having a baby dilemma with my Fiance.
We have been together for 3 1/2 years. We work at the same law agency. Lived together now for 2 months (I sold my house). He was previously married, has 4 children (1 adult, 2 teenagers and one toddler). He is 38. I am 32. Not much of an age difference, he just started really, really early in life with kids and marriage. He was 17 when his first child was born. From the very beginning of our relationship, he has known that I want to be a mother one day. Just ONE child! (I would like to be 35 years old when this happens). He has always known this! He has told me from the beginning that he never considered having any other children but if he found the right person, he would do it all over again. Once we evolved more in our relationship, he was always making remarks about… “I want you to be a mother. I want to be your baby daddy. I want to give you a child one day. You would look so cute with a big ol belly bump. I know that would make you happy and you being happy makes me happy.” Remarks like that. Of course, I believed him.
I am constantly having to hear from him, the remarks his friends make to him about children. ie: When a big hurricane came through, my Fiance and friends had to work FEMA because we were declared a disaster. (He is in law enforcement). So for a month straight, they worked every night together on the roads and in a command station. I would bring food and movies (for slow nights) and hang out for a little bit, upon Fiance request. After leaving, I suppose thats when the talking between the guys would start. “You know she wants kids” talk. Which is all fine, but I think the more he thought about it and the freedom he has with just being a weekend dad has really made him think alot more about everything. Which brings me to last nights discussion…
We were speaking about family (having family issues) and church and what not, when the baby drama came up. He told me that we were at different points in life. He said that he didnt want anymore kids and that I did. That if our families are not in aggrement with us getting married (been engaged for 1 1/2 years), that our relationship wont work. That he prefers being a weekend dad to his girls and not the full time father thing. That it would make him unhappy. (Is this him telling me to leave basically?)
Of course, I just balled. Told him that we have some serious thinking to think about. I told him that I often think about whether I want a child or not. I love the freedom we have in going out, not having to worry about a baby/kids (every other weekend we have his girls), but I know deep down, I want a child, I want to be a mother. I told him that he will never be the father that I want him to be because I want him to be an active part in a childs life, helping me, feeding, etc. (Being the mother, I know I would do more work and he is on shift work with his career). I told him that I know he loves me enough to have a child, to make me happy, but I know he would be unhappy. And that I love him enough to not have a child, to which he would be happy, but I would be miserable. Why put him through that? Why sacrifice this much for unhappiness?
A couple close friends have told me to move on, to walk away, but it’s not as easy said as done. I love him dearly. Its not easy to throw away 3 1/2 years of love and commitment to this one person, who I have pictured growing old with. But what now? I’m so torn on what to do. Talk to him again and see if I am worth it? Move on? Be alone? I know those are things I can get over in time, but I dont want too. I dont want to throw our relationship away.
(***Didnt think this was appropriate for the TTC catagory***)