(Closed) I’m a guy and need some womanly insight :) Broken Engagement and what is next

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Sorry to hear about your relationship.  That really sounds like a hard situation.  Unfortunately I can’t offer any wisdom, only sympathy.  I dont think I’ve really heard of anyone going through this before, but from what I see on TV, sounds like it’s not really rare.

Hang in there.  After time off, you may reconcile or you may meet the woman of your dreams.  God always has a planand hard times make us stronger.  Lastly, I wouldn’t look at the 6 years as a waste.  If you both were really in love, you shouldn’t regret all the good that came before the bad.  For this part, I speak from experience.

Post # 4
8735 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I haven’t been through anything similar but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are going through this.

However, it really sounds like it is for the best that your relationship is over. It sounds like she has a lot of issues that she is unwilling to work on, issues that were present even before the miscarriage.

At 26 you are still young and have plenty of time to find the woman who is right for you and start a family with her.

I think you need to take some time for you. Immerse yourself back with your friends focus on or pick up a hobby that you can spend time doing. Find “yourself” again and move forward.

I also think you need to take some time away from her, don’t try to be friends right away or you will most likely fall back into old patters. 6 years is a long time to be with someone and you have gone through a lot together, you will always have a connection but that does not mean you are right as a couple.


I wish you all the best and I hope you have a good group of friends you can count on to keep you distracted and help you on the road to being yourself and finding a girl who will love you for all your wonderful qualities. 

Post # 5
3967 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I could comment on many aspects of your post, but the biggest issue in trust here is that she essentially lied to you about being on birth control. That is a HUGE trust thing.  I would have issues being with someone that wasn’t communicating about something as huge as that. Both my SO and I would like children some day, but I would not stop birth control and just not tell him (or not be on it at all without his knowledge). A baby would affect both partners. I am sorry you are going through this, but (and I know you probably already know this but it’s hard to deal with), she is not the right person to start a life with, if she cannot commit to you in the ways you need.

Post # 6
8735 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@jdids247:  I think one think you also need to do right now while everything is fresh is to write down all the issues that existed in the relationship, what led up to this breakup? What were all the problems? What would need to change in order to be ok together?

Keep this somewhere and if the time comes that you are feeling like you want to get back with her, get this list out and look at it. Make sure you haven’t romanticized the relationship and remind yourself of the bad as well as the good. 

As hard as it’s going to be, it’s time to stop thinking about her and the issues she has and focus on yourself for a while. 


Post # 7
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

This is such a sad story! I am sorry you are going through this.

It sounds as though she is extremely immature with some hormonal imbalances, like you mentioned, and honestly, I dont see this working out unless she someday gets help and some medication. I dont think a realtionship with you or any other guy, for that matter, will work out for her until she faces the issues that she has. From her mother’s abuse to the miscarriage, it sounds like she has a lot that she needs sorted out, hormone and feelings-wise.

I think you dodged a bullet and should take some time for yourself. Once you start dating again and you see that there is a whole world of people out there that won’t put you through this, you may see that it was for the best. It’s going to be hard and it will hurt, but you can do it. I sincerely think that this breakup was for the best.

Post # 7
2413 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m really sorry you are going through this, I think the miscarriage makes everything even harder to deal with.

The thing is, it sounds like she needs to grow up. She needs to get her own friends and her own life, and they she can work on having a relationship with you. It’s almost like she needed you as a crutch, on top of being her SO.

Also, it really alarms me that she went off birth control without telling you. That is a violation of trust and you really need to iron out those details before you get back into a relationship with her.

I think space is what is needed. You may find that you are happier without her, she may find that she needs to make changes in her own life to make herself happy before she can re-commit to a realtionship.

The point is, try to pick up the pieces and see what happens. I think calling off the engagement was a good, albeit, difficult decision. Good luck!

Post # 8
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree with 

View original reply
@love108.  The fact that she lied to you about being on BC raises the biggest flag for me.  She was essentially tricking you into having a child.  I have known zero relationships based on lies that have worked out.  Zero.

That said, I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through all of this.  My suggestion to you is to do your best to move on.  I have a sister whom your post described almost to a T.  The problem isn’t that she parties all of the time, the problem is that she has an undiagnosed mental/emotional problem.  She won’t get better until she deals with that, and until she does, she will never be able to have a happy and healthy relationship.  And even more unfortunately, if you continue to pursue her, you’ll never get to experience a happy and healthy relationship either.

It’s a terrible situation, and it’s almost completely out of your control.  You deserve to be happy, but you won’t find it with someone who is self-centered, manipulative, and doesn’t have remorse for their actions.

ETA- ((Hugs)).  This kind of stuff sucks.

Post # 9
2259 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@jdids247:  You sound like a smart guy! I think what you’re doing sounds about right, you’ve handled the situation better than a lot of people that may have happened to. I think you’re absolutely right…. the distance should be good for you right now, if she’s really meant to be with you she’ll realize that and come back and hopefully things will change for the best. If not…. the past few years were not a waste at all. You met a great girl, loved her dearly and if it didn’t work out…. I really don’t see that being your fault at all. maybe she’s the one, maybe not but I think you’re going to be just fine either way! I’m honestly sorry for you. What a hard situation. 

Post # 10
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2006

I am sorry you are going through this. Six years is a long time to be with someone and have it end so badly.

I don’t want to come off as mean or anything but I do think your relationship ending is for the best. It sounds to me like you are growing up into a responsible adult and she is still acting young and living the “wild life.” When you two got together, you were both young and it makes sense that you were both into just having fun. It sounds like you grew up and she didn’t…that’s not something you can fix. She won’t grow up until she is ready and until then I do not see a future for the two of you.

About a year ago she tells me she hasn’t been on birth control for a year and a half. A suprise to me!  This was absolutely crazy. She does not respect you. A woman, in a commited relationship, should never consider getting pregnant without having a very serious conversation with her significant other. This sounds like a case of her thinking your relationship was going to get better by having a baby (let me tell you how often that works…almost never). You can’t have a baby and expect to go out partying every night…not responsible.

After you broke up she claimed that “if we would have bought a house and got married things would have been different.” I don’t think so. There is no way she is ready for marriage (her actions are proving that). Also she expected you to buy her a house…how would that work? You do all the work and she gets to reap the rewards…that’s just selfish. She’s just saying these things to make you feel bad and wonder “what if?”

I think you need to realize that you are both in very different parts of your life. She obviously needs help from a therapist. Since she has refused to even see one, she has no real interest in improving her life. You need to let her go and start moving on with your life. There is going to be a perfect woman out there for you (I’m sorry but I don’t think this girl will be her). Things will get better but it will take time. You’ve spent so much of your life with this girl and I can only imagine the heartbreak you are going through. Please believe that it will get better.

Please keep us updated.

Post # 11
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Ok. I have a bit of insite for you. It isn’t exactly the same situation but you can take from it what you want.

I was with a guy for 3 and a half years. I was ready to settle down and start a family and I loved this man. He was a couple years older than me but I have always been more grown up then I am age wise. Well he was not ready to settle down. He would never communicate with me about house hold things. I was the one being the adult and he would go out and spend money he didn’t have on another piece of junk car to bring home to work on. With out telling me. Well lets just say we had a ton of issues. He became quite depressed with his job and just life in general. He made being home depressing and he was never happy. It was getting hard to live with. He wouldn’t get help either which made it that much harder.

I was not getting what I wanted out of the relationship. I loved to go out and do things and he never wanted to come with me. So I went out and joined a ball team and started socalizing more. I ended up making some new friends and it got to the point where I didn’t want hime to come with me. I wanted to go out with out him all the time. I didn’t like having him with me because it brought me down. 

I ended up leaving him. It was hard because I did love him, but he wasn’t ready to love me the way I needed him to.

I ended up meeting a wonderful man a few months later. We are engaged to be married now and are actually expecting our first child. We lost one this fall and that was hard. It definitely depressed me and I goined quite a bit of weight. I wasn’t me self. But my Fiance and I leaned on eachother and I think it made our relationship even stronger than it was before.

I think the miscarrige triggered something in your ex to make her act out. I think it may have been for the better. It is hard to be with some one who doesn’t want to help them self. As much as you want to be able to help them you can’t do it unless they are willing.

Try to keep your chin up. Life is hard and complicated some times. But if we can keep our heads up there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Post # 12
3373 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Yikes! It seems like you do have this all under control and you’re figuring it out right. I think it’s up to both of you where this goes.

“WHen we first started to date, I didn’t know if I was emotionally ready to have a relationship so I thought about ending it. She brings this up a month before we split saying “You never forget about things like that”.”

This was my DH and I. He wasn’t ready for a relationship when he met me and I still have trouble getting over it. Even this past week I was thinking about how much pain this caused/still causes me. I felt like he should have known I was the one from the first date/month. But he didn’t. For some reason I can’t get over the neglect I felt, but it’s gone away a lot.

Post # 13
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

You’re not an idiot but I think it’s just going to take some time to adjust to being alone again. It’s normal to feel a little jarred and lonely but in the end, I think this is for the best.

Post # 14
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@jdids247:  Im sorry for everything u are going thru!!  I read your post, but I did not read any responses, so please forgive me if you are reading the same thing again ๐Ÿ™‚

Break-ups are hard, heart wrenching – guy or girl, it does not matter…they suck.  Part of the grieving process is somehow not remembering the ‘bad’ stuff, and only the good.  Part of the process is feeling hopeless, destined to be alone, and the desire to fall back in the person who has made you the most comfortable.  As far as all this goes, it takes time…and being that it was long-term, it will take a lot of time!  Being friends/having that person in your life is possible, but not right away.  In fact, for you, it will probably be a long time!  I recommend you talk to someone, or journal.  Be honest with yourself, and write down the good AND the bad of the relationships.  THings about her you liked, and things you did not.  I *think* you will find your list – if honest – will sway toward incombatibility right now. 

Here is the thing:  You can certainly blame big triggers to the demise of your relationship…miscarriages, depression, etc.  You can ask yourself if X did not happen, then would we be here?!  However, when two people – whom are mature adults, whom are on the same page, who want the same things, who trust each other mutually, and love each other exclusively – then even when things get impossible, or when something tragic happens, they find a way to work it out…together.  Sometimes it is seeking counseling together, or talking to one another, or taking time, but they do.

You two seemingly veered onto different paths a long time ago, well before the miscarriage.  And, in doing that, you grew up, and matured, and she became destructive.  I think/hope that if you give yourself the time and space, you will realize that you deserve happiness with someone who is willing to give it to you!

I wish you all the luck!

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