Post # 1
After months of back and fourth about my own messed up feelings I finally left my husband and have been living with my parents since Easter Sunday. He always told me that if I ever emotionally or physically cheated on him it was over. So I fessed up that 2 or so months ago I slept with someone else because I knew it would be an out. It wasn’t. He has fully forgiven me and is on this road to change. He is fully committed to being a whole new person… Instead of emotionally abusive and neglectful as he had been the past two years. Unfortunately I’m really enjoying my independence and I really don’t want to reconcile. I’m really happy for him… Getting therapy, working on himself… But I lost all emotional feeling I had for him before the shit hit the fan. And I know I’m going to destroy him if I tell him I don’t want to work it out and move home. Im more worried about his feelings than I am about anything else. Anyone been the bad guy in the past? Words of encouragement or advice?
Post # 2
So he was emotionally abusive and neglectful and that’s why you cheated? And then he promises to not be emotionally abusive and neglectful so that you won’t cheat on him again?
This sounds bad for both of you all around and if you’ve “lost all emotional feeling” that you had for him, I don’t even see why you’d get back together with him. If it’s only because you think it would just “destroy him” if you don’t, think again. It’s better for him in the long run to end it now rather than get back together for the mere sake of not hurting his feelings because if the love is gone, all signs point to it ending (again).
Post # 3
TheGridMonster: took the words out of my mouth
Run, you are bad for each other. You aren’t just the bad guy for cheating. He is also the bad guy for years of emotional abuse.
Post # 4
Maybe telling him with a counselor there would help? So there’s someone to sort of mediate the discussion? I don’t know, but I can understand why you wouldn’t want to reconcile. Once that emotion is lost for another person, I’m not sure how/if it can be gotten back (or even if you’d want it back).
Post # 5
TheGridMonster: yup. What she said + 1
Post # 6
Heatherliak: You’re not the “bad guy” he’s the one that destroyed the realtionship with his abusive behaviour – not you. I remember your last post and I’m glad you left him. That’s great if he wants to change and get into therapy for his problems. But getting you to stay with him shouldn’t be the only reason he’s in therapy. If he truly wants to change then he’ll stay in therapy even if tell him you don’t want to reconcile. Sometimes realtionships get to a point where they can’t be fixed.
It’s understandable that your feelings have changed for him because he abused you. I think that you’re worrying and thinking too much about his needs, how he’s going to react when you tell him it’s over. Rather than focusing on what you need/want and your happiness. This is common behaviour for a someone who has just left an abusive realtionship. I’d suggest this book, The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel. I’ve read it myself and I found it was excellent. It really helped me to understand that ending the realtionship I was in was the best thing for me. And that I didn’t have to feel guilty about it. Good for you for leaving and moving forward. It takes a strong person to do that.
Post # 7
I second what PP said. Maybe you could make an appointment to see a counsellor together? Then break it to him that you don’t want to get back together, the pain for 2 years was just too great and you’re ready to move on. Then the counsellor can help you both navigate that, making sure you’re both safe from yourselves and each other.
Glad you’re out of that relationship and best of luck moving on.
Post # 8
I would say don’t go back.
It will be all too easy to fall in to old patterns once comfortable again. Often people use “change” as an emotional support technique.
“She cheated on me. I fix xyz and she won’t cheat, problem solved, that was what was wrong.”
Sad things happened this way, but if you are happy then stay that way.
Post # 9
I wasn’t physically abused, but emotionally I was put through the ringer in my 10 year relationship.
I left, and it was the hardest thing ever. Then he threatened suicide and I gave him a second chance. I didn’t move back in, but dated him While living with my sister. I shouldn’t have. Yes he went on medication for his depression and made a big effort to overhaul things. He made big improvements, but at the end of the day the damage ran too deep for me and I couldn’t invest in our relationship and trust him again. It become comfortable to have the security blanket of him around, and so our relationship lingered far longer than it should have.
He ended up effectively cheating on me.. Despite begging for the second chance and me agreeing for his mental health! But thst ended up being the BEST thing ever. I’m so glad his problems become her problems and not mine.
So as hard as it is, I would leave and not look back. You’re not responsible for him, he lost the right to rely on you long ago. Good luck bee.
Post # 10
the thing about feeling is… We chose them. We chose who we love. Who we invest our heart in. When you stopped loving him, you chose to stop loving him. But if he was abusive you had every right.
but I don’t like divorce if the other party is actively making a change. Your relationship could flourish to something you have never seen if you both put in the work.
Post # 11
If he is an abuser, in no way are you the bad guy. Great for him getting therapy. But it rarely changes abusers, especially wife mandated therapy.
Living with an abuser can make victims act out in ways they normally wouldn’t.
I do NOT recommend couples’ counseling with abusers. It’s not safe. No therapist knowledgable about abuse would agree to see you together.
It sounds like the typical abuse cycle–victim escapes & now he comes pleading, full of empty promises to change. Please don’t go back.
Post # 12
You got out. You are free. Don’t let him control you anymore. I remember your story. If he’s sorting himself out he should do it to be a decent person, not to get you back.
You are not the bad guy. Stop feeling responsible for him and allow yourself to enjoy your life. It’s ok if you don’t want to be with him. You don’t owe him anything.
Post # 13
If you were still in love with him that would be one thing, but you were clearly trying to push him away by going outside your marriage. Cliche, but life is way too short to stay in toxic situations that crush your spirit and drain you. Free yourself (and him for that matter) and you’ll find something that will enrich your life and bring out the best in you.
Post # 14
Good for you! I am doing a big happy dance because you saw how bad your relationship was and you got out! Not many women have the courage to do that. The cycle of abuse is a terrible thing and makes the person being abused keep coming back. Stay away and stay happy. If you go back, it will be good for a little while, but eventually you will be back where you started. Most people don’t change. People can evolve and grow up, but seriously, once an abuser always abuser. Some like to interchange abuser with cheater, but that statement would only be true if the cheating takes the form of abuse and is used in a controlling way. People cheat because they aren’t happy or because they want to control the other person. In a roundabout way, you cheated because you weren’t happy because he is abusive. Enjoy your freedom from him. Do not take him back. You can find peace and happiness within yourself. Pray, meditate, do whatever form of religion or self healing that works for you so you can find your inner goddess. You are an amazing woman and you deserve nothing but the best. Tell yourself that every morning when you wake up and then go live it.
Post # 15
Abusive types are usually very controlling as well. He always told you any kind of cheating was a dealbreaker. You cheated. He apparently forgave you completely. Or appears to forgive you completely to get you back under his control. Then it will in all probablility only be a matter of time before the emotional abuse begins again and your infidelity is thrown back in your face. Over and over again. I seriously doubt he’s a whole new person after only a few months, more likely he’s charming you with his whole-new-person facade to win you back. Good for him (seriously) if he’s in therapy and legitmately struggling to deal with his demons- but don’t you think the reason you’re enjoying your newfound freedome so much is a direct reflection on how truly awful living with him had become? What you’re experiencing now isn’t simply independence but relief, peace, and freedom from abuse. Please don’t feel guilty. You can be kind and decent to him when you tell him it’s over, but don’t let him play on your emotions to lure you back into an abusive situation.