(Closed) I'm a heartbreaker.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

Heatherliak:  I lost feelings for my ex husband, too. Too much damage was done. I say move forward, don’t look back, and be happy. I felt very bad when I left my husband. Like, guilty for hurting him, I cried and cried for a few weeks. But once I was over that I noticed how much lighter my life felt. Like a weight had been lifted.

Post # 17
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee

Heatherliak:  I was in the pretty much same situation as you except we were only engaged not married. He wouldn’t let me leave him even though he was abusive. I figured if I cheated he would kick me out so I had a year long afffair. He ended up finding out and wanting to work it out which came as a surprise to me. I ended up moving out and to a new city best thing I ever did.

Post # 18
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

There is no “good” or “bad” in this situation. Following what you need & want is really the only way to go here. Staying with your husband for the sake of not hurting his feelings will, in the long run, be MUCH more hurtful than being up front about it right now. He doesn’t benefit from you staying in a relationship with him out of pity. 

Post # 20
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

 

Heatherliak: Abuse is about control.  He stand the fact that he can’t control you anymore.  You’re taking charge of your own life and seeing him for who he is.  IMO saying you can “give someone the world’ isn’t a realistic way of looking at realtionships.  I have a great marriage but I don’t think my husband can “give me the world”.  Marriage is a partnership of two people who treat each other as equals.  Having a good marriage is a lot of work.  Both partners have to be committed to each other.  I get from my marriage what I put into it.  A man can’t give me happiness, “the world”, or anything else.  The problem with abusive realtionships is one partner is giving and giving.  The abuser just takes and doesn’t see his/her SO as an equal.   Be very wary of his promises.  It sounds to me like he’s trying to manipulate you.  Abusers often say they’re working on changing to get their SO back.  And if the SO decides to give the realtionship another chance – the abuser changes for a while but eventually goes back to his old ways.  Any real change in a abuser takes a long time it’s not a “quick fix”.

You can’t wait around for him to realize that you’re not right for each other.  That could take a long time or he may never realize that.  The point is you know he’s not right for you.  I think you need to tell him that you’re glad that he’s working on himself.  But your feelings for him have changed you don’t think you’re right for each other anymore, and you think it’s best that you both move on.  He’s not going to end it.  You’re going to have to be the one.  Otherwise he’s going to drag this out forever.  Good Luck.

Post # 21
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

Heatherliak:  you are so spot on. He didn’t give a shit about any of it before, and you were worth it then too. Don’t feel bad. Maybe he can use this to become a better person for his next partner. 

Post # 22
Member
48 posts
Newbee

Heatherliak:  don’t feel guilty about what he says. 

When the demand was there for his love and support, he did not supply it. You gave him time: he failed to deliver  

as with everything else in life, if a supplier can’t supply what you need, you go without or look for a substitute product. 

The problem is his. Not yours. His promises to supply what you want have no credibility. You have lost faith in his product. 

Enjoy the the time alone or enjoy negotiating and trialling with new suppliers. Whatever works best for you is what you should pursue. 

Post # 23
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’m not one to comment on these sort of things but reading some of these responses prompted me to share my two cents.

I read your other post and it sounds like you knew what you were getting in to in regards to his personality. You said nothing has changed but it just got worse. Now that he’s trying to improve, you already have your mind made up that you’re leaving him. Please don’t take this as an attack of any sorts but I think that’s selfish of you. You got married and exchanged vows that you would be there for eachother through better and worse. You’ve only been married a year and a half and you’re already ready to give up on it?

Maybe I am more emotional about this because I’ve been brainstorming the vows I’m going to say to my fiance in a year when we tie the knot and I couldn’t imagine losing him. He’s never been emotionally abusive but if he worked to better himself for me no matter what, I’d at least give him a chance.

Another thing you said in the last post was that you would have a huge fight every 6 months or so. Do you think that may be a communication issue? Why would you as a couple let things bottle up and explode like that? These posts bother me because everyone makes your husband out to be the bad guy but in my experience both with myself and with friends, issues like this only happen because BOTH of you failed to communicate. It’s not his fault. It’s not your fault. You’re married, it’s both of your faults. And now he’s changing himself and you’re unwilling to give it another go? That is YOUR fault. You should have never married in the first place if you weren’t ready for it but now you are married and should think about both of you, not just yourself.

Just my two cents.

Post # 24
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

MrsMiller15:  Have you ever been in an abusive realtionship? Yes, maybe the OP made a mistake marrying this guy but we all make mistakes. From the sound of your post, it’s clear you never have.  When you’re in love with someone (or think you are) it’s common to overlook behaviours that looking back are “red flags”.  Also, with emotional abuse it’s so subtle at first you don’t even notice it.  Mind games are often played by the abuser that make you doubt your own judgement or make you believe you deserved the bad treatment.  Sometimes couples do give up on a marriage too soon but this isn’t one of those cases.  The OP’s husband intentionally called her names, belittled and humilated her in front of others, etc… he treated his wife like she was nothing.  And when she tried to talk to him about it (which lead to all the arguments) he ignored her until she told him she wanted to leave.  Then suddenly he says he’s going to change?! That’s typical behaviour for an abuser.  And 99% of the abuser says that so he can get his partner back.  Things change for a short time.  But then the abusive behaviour starts again and often gets even wore than before.  It’s one thing to have communication problems with your SO.  It’s another to have a partner that is abusive – that’s what happened to the OP.  You clearly have no idea how spot abuse in a realtionship.  I don’t care what the OP did or didn’t do, nobody deserves to be treated like that!! and now after she gets up the courage to leave him you tell the OP it’s her fault  Also, suggesting that after 2+ yrs of taking his abuse she should give him another chance, even when there’s a good possiblity she may be subject to more abuse.  How dare you!  The OP doesn’t owe this guy anything.  She deserves better.  She’s not selfish, she’s protecting and taking care of herself.  HE’s the one that’s selfish.  Did he ever think for 1 minute about his hurtful treatment of the woman he said he loved? No.
OP pls ingore this advice.

Post # 25
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

jennie.elliott2:  You said it far better than I ever could! Amen, girl! MrsMiller15’s advice is naive and doesn’t apply in this case. I found that everyone who questioned my decision to divorce had never been in a relationship with abuse, emotional manipulation, or an unwilling partner. They couldn’t comprehend why two people couldn’t just hunker down and make a marriage work. Well, sure, that’s an option if both parties are emotionally healthy, but in my case and in the OP’s case it just doesn’t apply. I absolutely agree 100% that his attempts to change will fall by the wayside. Perhaps not intentionally on his part, as not all abusers realize the games they play and the harm they cause, but he can only act out of character for so long before he’ll revert to his usual tendencies. 

Heatherliak:  I wanted to reply to this yesterday since your situation resonated with me and my own experiences with my ex-husband. It seems that others have done a great job already of supporting you and your decision to leave. When I finally made the move to leave my ex, I felt that same weight lifting off of me and knew immediately that the decision I’d labored over and beaten myself up about was the right one. Did I hurt him? Yes. But I maintain that by staying I would have continued to hurt myself and that ultimately I would have left him anyway. My regret is not leaving sooner. Not only did I make myself suffer longer, but leaving after seven years of marriage didn’t mitigate any of the pain he would have felt if I’d left after one year. In fact, I think he felt worse as he now looks back on the decade he spent with me as a waste of his life. Wouldn’t it have been kinder for me to have left earlier so he could have moved on sooner? 

Please stick with your decision. It’s the kindest thing you can do for yourself. We all make mistakes in life and this was one of yours. Now you get to move on and try to get the rest of your life right. Good luck!

Post # 26
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

I agree that is very easy for someone outside of an emotionally abusive relationship to say ‘try harder’.  

By the time I left my partner of 10 years, I had nothing left to try with. I honestly thought that I wasn’t capable of emotions any more, I was so damaged that I would never be in a relationship again. Sounds rediculous now as I type it, but that is truely how I felt. That is the stage I let myself get to before I left. And you know what? The only reason I ended up actually making the leap of leaving was because he humiliated me in public, and I felt that after so long of desperately covering up how crap my relationship was, now that it was out I could leave.  

I am otherwise a confident, educated, well adjusted person. Yet to be in an emotionally abusive relationship took my confidence and self esteem away. It wasn’t until I had some time to heal on my own, that I realised how much better life could be. I haven’t told most people close to me the full extent of the crappiness of my past relationship, but the little I have told others has left them shocked. They can’t believe that I stood for that, and frankly neither can I. 

After 7 odd months of working on myself after the breakup, I felt ready to date. Shortly thereafter I met my current SO, and I realised I was completely capable of happiness and love.

It honestly wasn’t until I was outside of my previous relationship that I realised it wasn’t me that was damaged beyond repair, that it was our relationship that was. I was still capable of love and happiness, just not with my ex. I could not forgive him for what he did to me, and I couldn’t trust him to maintain the changes he made. 

I still came to my current relationship with my share of baggage, but I am so lucky in that my SO is such a loving and caring man, he has taken the time to help me unpack that baggage, so to speak.

I do regret not having left sooner. But my concience is clear, in that I know I gave our relationship every chance I could afford.

Also, if I had left sooner I probably wouldn’t have met my current SO, so in that sense perhaps fate played a part.   

Post # 27
Member
8831 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Mrslovebug:  You choose your actions, but you don’t choose your feelings. When someone dies or I drop my icecream cone, I don’t choose to be sad, I just am. I can choose what (if anything) to do about it, but I didn’t choose to be sad in the first place. Love is the same way — you feel it because you feel it, then you choose if or how to act on those feelings.

Post # 29
Member
10697 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

jennie.elliott2:  

This.  1000%.  We’re not talking about ‘fights’; this is abuse.

Post # 30
Member
18 posts
Newbee

Go with your gut.  If you don’t want to reconcile and you decide not to regret it in the future, then that’s what you do.  If you still love him, go to counseling ON YOUR OWN to make sure it’s mentally and emotionally safe for you to go back.  When he’s made significant, long-lasting progress in multiple aspects of his life, then go to counseling together.  I don’t think you should jump into couple’s counseling right now.  He needs to prove to you he’s different and you need to decide what you want.

 

And if you know that what you want is to dump the abusive scumbucket and find someone else, as it seems you do, then that’s awesome!  Someday someone will come and never treat you like your current husband does.

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