Post # 1
I was going to go anon but eh, I deserve everything I get for this one….
So my sister told me last night that she is expecting and is due two weeks after our wedding. I was super excited for her but as the night wore on I started to feel very sad. Let me explain.
My wedding has been very hard to organize but after nearly 2 years it’s finally booked for March next year. It’s semi-destination, 3 hours drive from the city. She has been a very active helper as she lives in my home country and I live overseas. When she told me all I felt was joy and happiness. I was going to be an Aunty. Yay!!!
But as the night wore on I became sad and confused. Why after 10 years of marriage (she is 30) start trying exactly 9 months before my wedding? She told me it was their first month trying so she hasn’t been in the process for months or years. She is the most organized person I know, every single aspect of her life is planned. Everything. She is also a loud person and likes being the centre of attention whereas I am more laid back. I’m not one to enjoy the spotlight and I hate when people say ‘she’s stealing my thunder’ but if I’m honest with myself deep down that is how I feel 🙁 I know this makes me a horrible person, a selfish sister but I can’t help but feel sad, confused and disappointed. She is my Maid/Matron of Honor, the most important person next to my Fiance and now she may not be able to come. I’m so so sad and on top of this I hate myself for feeling this way. I’m going to be an Aunty, that is amazing. I just don’t understand why now, why pull the goalie exactly 9 months before my wedding?
I’m not sure what I’m looking for, perhaps I just need to write it down so I can get over it. I would never tell anyone in real life, I know it makes me sound awful. Perhaps I just need a kick in the pants. Bee’s help!
Post # 3
@FauxBoho: Nah, you don’t need a kick in the pants, or deserve any flaming. What you’re feeling is perfectly natural. I’d feel the exact same way in your shoes. It sucks, and it’s one of those situations you can’t do anything about now. 🙁 So ranting here is the perfect way to express your feelings. 🙂
Post # 4
I would feel exactly the same way if I was in your shoes. She probably didn’t expect it to happen on the first try. All you can really do is focus on the happy feelings and ignore the rest. It’ll all work out!
Post # 5
You really can’t control when another person starts trying to conceive. She might have just started trying, but for a lot of people it can take months and years to conceive. They had no way of knowing what their particular situation would be.
As for how if affects you, well, I understand that your wedding is the most important thing in your life right now. But it isn’t the most important thing to everyone else, no matter how close they are to you. Your wedding is one day, you are going to be an aunt for the rest of your life!
Post # 6
I think your reaction is completley normal. I don’t think you’re being a horrible sister – you are genuinely happy that they are having a baby, but it does throw a wrench into your plans. I’d be feeling the same way, and I adore my sister. I’d hate to think of having a wedding that she couldn’t attend, even as a result of her own actions, so I feel your pain. Hang in there!
Post # 7
My guess is that it does in fact have to do with getting to be 30 and starting to feel that window closing — accurately or not! Getting pregnant on the first try is comparatively rare, too.
And, not sure if you already know this stuff and it’s factoring into how you feel about the whole situation, but — you should be aware that depending on how this first pregnancy goes, she may or may not even be able to attend your wedding. She could end up on bed rest, or even just limited travel that close to the wedding — you said that it was destination-ish. Heck, depending on how accurate the due date projection was, you might even have a new niece or nephew by your wedding day.
I think it’s OK to feel a little bit bummed in with all the happiness — after all, you have to feel what you feel — especially since you know that these aren’t things you should say to your sister. This is exactly the place to air those mixed feelings!
Post # 8
I’m bummed that in the 15 – 20 year window she has to get pregnant (20 years old to 40 yrs approx) she decided to start on that particular month. If she was more of an air head or had been trying for awhile I wouldn’t be upset but she is a planner and knew what she was doing. I’m really confused and hurt. I feel like it may have been done on purpose and it makes me feel unimportant to her. I feel like if I brought it up with her (which I definitely won’t do) she would say ‘who cares, life happens, it will be ok’
I know if it was her wedding I would not have tried for fear of being successful. I wouldnt risk missing her wedding for the world. I’m not so sure she feels the same way 🙁
Post # 9
@FauxBoho: because a) now is the right time for THEM, not necessarily you
b) she likely never imagined they would be successful on the first month – very few people are. she likely believed she’d be 3, 4, 5 months pregnant.
i just attended a wedding where the Maid/Matron of Honor was 8 months pregnant – all was fine!
Post # 10
@FauxBoho: the situation sucks and I’m sorry you’re feeling down about it. Maybe, just maybe it was an accident but she’s embarrassed and is pretending that it was planned? Or maybe they have been trying to a while but don’t want to admit it took so long?
I have no idea, you know them better than any of us. Just take some time to mope and let yourself feel down about it and try not to let it bother you for too long.
Post # 11
also – don’t fall into the trap of ‘in the 20 year window she had to get pregnant’
it’s really 20 minus the time they weren’t
– wanting a child
– financially able to support one
so no, i doubt all 20 years were exactly the same likelihood of her getting pregnant – it’s probably much closer to one or two years that they’ve been ready and wanting to expand their family.
Post # 12
You’re not a horrible person for feeling this way – I’m sure many of us would too! You only cross the line when you begin calling her out on it, ending your good relationship with her, etc. You know some of the crazies we see on here – you’re not like them!
I’m sure she didn’t expect to get pregnant on the first try, and therefore be ready to have this baby so close to your wedding. But even if she did, then you have to trust that this was the right time for her and her husband – afterall, their family comes first. You have to respect that.
It’s a bummer either way though. Just be so excited that you have a lovely wedding coming up AND a lovely little niece or nephew – how cool to have such celebrations this spring!
Post # 13
I think what you are feeling is normal (and you’re also wise to not say anything IRL).
Just keep in mind if she’s really a planner, your sister may have thought it would take her much longer to conceive, as PP’s have pointed out and figured that she might be say 6, instead of 9 months pregnant.
3 hours away isn’t so bad and it is still possible that she could go.
Post # 14
I find it hard to believe that you believe she purposely tried “exactly 9 months” before your wedding.
Do you even think out that far in your daily life? If you were trying to get pregnant, would you plan out 9 months from then? Probably not, especially since a lot of women don’t get pregnant the first few times they try.
I don’t think you need to be flamed, but I don’t think you need to be coddled, either. Yes, these are very selfish thoughts and it makes me shake my head, but you’re not a bad person for thinking them. Your wedding is only important to you and your fiance. Your sister’s life moves to the beat of a different drum and while this is a milestone for you, this is a milestone for her. She was ready then, and whether or not your wedding was in those 9 months really doesn’t matter.
Just because there’s a chance she won’t be there doesn’t mean she won’t.
Post # 15
@FauxBoho: ur feelings r perfectly normal but remember her life cnt stop for u. U may hav to maneuver a few things around her but if both ppl r enthusiastic about each others participation in the wedding there will b minimal hindrance. The biggest thing is Maid/Matron of Honor dress needs to b forgiving and she prob won’t b traveling too much the last couple months. Other than that she is the same person that loves her sis and vice versa
Post # 16
@Hyperventilate: Yes, I do think that far ahead. So does she, it’s a big part of her personality which is why I’m sad.