(Closed) I’m a little shocked this just happened.

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

You need to have a little chat with him about how inappropriate his response was. It is not your fault; if this is how he manages stress, then he needs to find a counselor or find other ways of dealing with it. If it’s like this when he’s in school, what’s it going to be like when he’s had a rough day at work? Jeez. Totally uncalled for.

Post # 4
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

There’s a great article that got turned into a book, “What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage”.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html

One of the things that the book version said is that when your partner is super stressed and upset, sometimes it’s best to just not engage them and let them work it out on their own.  It can really help de-escalate situations sometimes…

Good luck!!

Post # 5
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

umm …no you are not stupid  ,, sounds like hes acting a little ridiculous!!  maybe in the morning try and talk to him about his stress level and not to take his other problems out on you in an angry way.

Post # 6
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

You did nothing wrong. Yes, when people get stressed out they can take it out on others. Sometimes much more than they mean to. But there’s a difference between telling you that you asked a stupid question and telling you that he hates the sound of your voice. That is not a normal stress response.

Don’t bring this up while he is so stressed out, but he needs to find better ways to cope. It’s not an acceptable way to treat you. He might benefit from talking to a counselor (perhaps they are available at school?) to help him come up with some methods for diffusing his stress.

Post # 8
Member
1315 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My Fiance gets totally disproportionate when he’s stressed: he realises he does: he still does it. So I have learned to literally walk out and close the door after me. My temper boils up in response to his, so I just walk away and let him cool down! I know we’ll have to find a better way to deal with it, though, specially if we do have kids…

Post # 9
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@SweetRose2011: Nobody’s perfect. We all have moments where we lose our composure and say things we don’t mean or act in shameful ways… but if he regularly takes out his frustrations on you by screaming, throwing huge tantrums, and calling you stupid (wow), I think it could be a big problem.

Is he sorry afterward? Does he admit fault and apologize? Or does he pretend it never happened or pin the blame on you for making him angry? (Let me clarify, you did NOTHING wrong, so any blame on you would be completely undeserved.)

If he knows that treating you this way is wrong and he wants to change, then there’s hope. Maybe he needs some counselling to learn better ways to cope with stress and anger. If this is the case, then maybe pick a moment when he’s calm and not stressed and try to talk to him about it. Tell him how it makes you feel when he yells at you like that, and ask him what he’d be willing to do to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Because there really is no excuse for a grown man to be acting like this, no matter what the provocation.

If he denies that his temper is a problem and won’t do anything about it, well… it’s up to you to decide if that’s something you’d be able to tolerate in your marriage. Unfortunately, behavior like this tends to get worse over time, not better. If you decide to stick with him, make sure you have a good support network that you can turn to if it gets really bad.

Personally, if my fiance did that to me once, I might forgive him. Two times is a pattern though, and that’s a dealbreaker. It’s your choice to make.

Post # 10
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Wow.  Hey, I’m pretty guilty of displaced anger and frustration.  But I don’t just fly off the handle and call them stupid and insult them. 

Maybe this is an isolated incident and he’s under a ton of pressure.  But I agree with th others.  You need to tell him how you feel.  And be sure he sees your angle.  You were trying to help and he insulted and hurt your feelings.  He needs to understand that.  But also, he might be the type of person, where if he’s dealing with something he doesn’t want anyone to come near him.  I’m like that.  If I’m stressed, I don’t want anyone to talk to me.  He should tell you what he wants or doesn’t want from you when he’s stressed.  Does he want some coffee….toast?  Does he just want to retreat into his cave?  Does he just need you to take care of dinner?

good luck.

Post # 12
Member
1315 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

How old is he, sweetrose? Not that age makes a difference either way, really, but my fella was well into his thirties before he figured out he *might* have a problem dealing with stress… And we were about 5 years together before we learned how to deal with each others’ responses to stress.

Post # 13
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Gosh. I hope he apologizes, because that was really unnecessary. My husband is in school too and it’s been wreaking havoc on our relationship; we never see each other and he has been lashing out at me for things that aren’t even my fault. So I can relate. However, what your Fiance said was so mean, and personal. Does he have a tendency to fight dirty, when you do fight?

I know everyone’s knee jerk reaction is always “go to counseling” but I think it might help identify negative conflict resolution patterns you two have. Can you try premarital counseling? Because even though he is stressed, he cannot be mean like that to you. That is not acceptable. He needs to change that, and maybe there are ways that your conflict resolution style needs to change too (I know mine needs a lot of work). 

Post # 14
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Just leave him alone and be super sweet.  he will feel really bad that he did that tomorrow, or when he is done with his paper.  Stress does serious stuff to people.  My hubby is in school too and he is super stressed, he gets really grumpy, but you cant take it personally.  I jsut leave him alone and be really quiet and try to make life easy for him.  I know he is just working hard in school so he can make a better life for us.  There is no excuse for calling you stupid, but if it is just a one time thing, he will feel bad about it an apologize and hopefully it wont happen again. 

Post # 15
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m going to be blunt: I would not marry someone who calls me stupid and tells me he hates the sound of my voice. Period.

Post # 16
Member
1331 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I just want to commend you on not flying off the handle yourself!  If I had been in your situation, things would’ve escalated into something HORRIBLE because I have a nasty temper (not something I’m proud of, and I’m working very hard to change).  Good for you for staying calm, and I hope he apologizes soon for being a jerk, and I hope he learns that taking his stress out on you is not the way to deal with it. 

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