(Closed) I'm a newlywed and he betrayed my trust. PLEASE HELP!

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don’t see the problem here. I have a close male friend that I go get ice cream with, while my fiancee is at work. I’ve sent hundreds, if not thousands of texts to him, and emails, and PM’s via MSN, Google Talk, etc. I talk to him on Facebook ALL the time and have even been alone with him, at his house, without my Fiancee and vice versa.

I’ve never once felt anything romantic for this man, but do very much cherish our friendship and I do love him. I think the same can be true for your husband.

I think you’re letting things get out of hand here 🙂 He didn’t cheat on you. You confirmed that for yourself by snooping on his phone (which to me you’ve broken HIS trust – just my humble opinion).

I think you need to let it go.

 

Post # 4
Member
1925 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I am leaning toward believing him.  He sounds like a great guy.  However, what he did totally crossed the line of appropriate behavior.  How did you find out about all of this?  

For me, this wouldn’t be a deal breaker (it doesn’t sound like it is for you either), but he would have to win my trust again.  

ETA: I only say he crossed the line because he wasn’t 100% upfront about all of this from the beginning.  

Post # 5
Bee
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

I think he sounds like a nice guy who maybe crossed the line a bit. He didn’t cheat.

Post # 6
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

i dont see that he has betrayed your trust. he has a female friend yes, but hes never cheated on you.i dont think hes crossed any lines . if they were sending sexual texts or pictures – then id be furious too. but from the sound of it, its normal friendly texts

you are within your rights to ask him to tell you if hes meeting her as theres no reason it should be a secret. but you cant ban him from contacting her

Post # 7
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

Yeah, he did okay by being her friend… and that’s all he was. I would quit snooping on his phone and think how lucky you are that he helped this girl out of her misery! 

Now if he cheated…. different story. But he didn’t. He helped her when she needed someone, that shows he has compassion and kindness and “sees” things, qualities that are very favorable in a man.

Post # 8
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Sounds like your Fiance was trying to be a good guy. It may not have been completely appropriate from your point of view, but it seems to me like they just had a very close friendship because of how much he had done to help her through an awful situation. His idea of showing her than men can be so much better than the abusive ex makes a lot of sense to me. And even if you feel like he betrayed your trust, you betrayed his also by pretending to be him while texting her to snoop. I think you both need to move on past this. I also think you need to stop demonizing him and start appreciating having such a caring man on your side. Getting a good feeling from making a friend and helping her out doesn’t make him a bad person. 

Post # 9
Member
4982 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

@jessmicas:  Agreed, except I wouldn’t go to a male friend’s house alone or vice versa. It would make FH uncomfortable. I’d be uncomfortable if he did the same. 

But texting, taking her to lunch on her birthday, getting ice cream with her kids, the kinds of things that were happening in this situation…. it sounds as though he was trying to show this woman how a real man would treat her (in a non-romantic but still caring manner) and her children. His intentions, from what you’ve told us, seem pure and I don’t think he crossed any boundaries. From what you’ve said, the only times they were “alone” together, they were in public. 

The only line-crossing I’m seeing here is you texting her from his phone and pretending to be him. You should have an open line of communication with your husband and be able to trust the answers he gives you. If not, it seems like his friendship with this woman has opened up an entirely different can of worms. 

Post # 10
Member
11270 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

i can understand how you would feel a bit uneasy about this but he didn’t cheat on you or flirt with her.  he was in a friendly position where he felt needed and you encouraged him to help her.

it’s all in the past.  i’d let it go.  she’s gone. 

does she still keep in contact with your dh on a regular basis?

Post # 11
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I really don’t see that he did anything wrong other than be a good friend.  Maybe he never told you these things because he knew you would react the the very way you’ve reacted now.  Obviously, he had affection for her but it honestly doens’t sound romantic.  It sounds like he was a very good friend to her when she needed it.

Calm down and talk to him.  It’s okay to tell him that his relationship with her and the fact that he withheld info from you hurt your feelings.  You need to be honest with him too.  🙂 

Post # 12
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

Most guys know how women react in situations such as this… so he didn’t divulge anything. He was being a friend, nothing more. Some women will feel he crossed the line. That’s why some guys keep things quiet… even though nothing is going on!

Post # 14
Member
1425 posts
Bumble bee

Was your Darling Husband not giving you a lot of attention during this time?  If so, then I would understand your concern and how upset you are by this, because that would definitely bring up some red flags.  If not, then I agree with PP’s that you’re going overboard and that your Darling Husband was just having a platonic friendship with this girl and you’re probably just a little bit jealous that your Darling Husband was giving attention to another girl besides you…

Post # 15
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It sounds like you’re against your Darling Husband viewing porn. I think that maybe that conflict is coloring your perception of his actions in this case. To me, it does not sound like he did anything wrong.

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