Post # 17
You’ve got him in a lose-lose situation here – you realize that right?
You say: “I feel like I can’t do that until either I believe the things he is telling me, or until he admits that it was more than a friendship”
You’ve already snooped (which is a betrayal of trust too, btw), and confirmed he wasn’t lying to you, but you still don’t believe him? And you won’t forgive him unless he “admits” it was more than friendship, but what if it wasn’t? Are you going to put him in the position of admitting something that isn’t true? That doesn’t seem fair.
This is in the past. You can either decide to let it go, or decide to let it damage your relationship, but either way, the position you have him in right now isn’t fair. If he is acknowledging that he crossed the line of what is appropriate, and you want to remain in this relationship, I would accept his apology and move on. He didn’t cheat on you, and it sounds like he had the best of intentions and the line got fuzzy.
Post # 18
The only thing I see fault is in not telling you upfront what he was doing. Other than that, it seems 100% platonic and I would not worry about it.
To make him feel like he is guilty of something when he is not (again, I don’t know if he is or isn’t but based on given information I’ll go with him being faithful) will cause resentment towards you. Don’t lost trust in him completely; guys don’t overanalyze things as girls do. Because he wasn’t doing anything wrong, or with any sexual intent, he probably didn’t even think to let you in on his plans. Lots of guys are like that.
Post # 19
Hopefully couples counseling will help him realize appropriate boundaries within friendship, and help you work on your control issues.
Post # 20
@newlywed187: hey now, lets be careful with the judgyness. You may be personally opposed to porn, but that doesn’t mean its “wrong” or “disturbing”.
Post # 21
Did I read the original post wrong or did the previous posters read it wrong? I thought that the other woman still got married to the abusive guy that the OPs husband was communicating with.
He definitely crossed a line and to be honest it does sound a bit like an emotional affair, but at the same time you said he is a really nice guy – so it very well could be that he was just trying to prove that she deserved to be treated well. I still think that thousands of minutes/thousands of texts is overboard, but then again I have never been in a position to try to remove someone from an abusive relationship.
What prompted you to snoop? Snooping for the sake of snooping, or snooping because something happened and you got suspicious?
I would suggest you stop snooping, tell your husband that you snooped and that you’re sorry, but then ask him about it and just have an open, non-confrontational conversation about what happened and why what he did hurts you and ask him directly about his feelings.
Edit: nevermind, just saw the part about why you snooped and the couples counseling. The counseling sounds like a very good thing for you two to be in.
Post # 23
@newlywed187: It sounds like you’re going about things the right way. I can understand why you would have issues with these things. The important thing is that you’re working on things. Counseling will help you all work through these things and learn to deal with even the smallest disturbances you have in your relationship in the future. He sounds like a great guy.
Good luck to you all. 🙂
Post # 24
I can see why you are upset. I’m sorry for the shock and confusion you must be experiencing.
The good thing is he didn’t cheat physically. The question of whether he cheated emotionally is blurry, but on balance I’d say he just went a little too far trying to be nice, did genuinly like her, but had no intention of hurting you or cheating on you. People do make wrong judgements sometimes.
I think like you say that the important thing here is his willingness to have an open and honest calm discussion about this and for him to recognise and acknowledge why it was not 100% right for him to do what he did and that he will not go this far again in helping a (female) friend.
The one thing that you said that slightly concerned me was the note he wrote that said he loved her now and always. Could you ask him what he meant by that, and if he does in fact love her in the true sense of the word?
Good luck to you, keep us posted.
Post # 25
@mepayne: I appreciate your response. I would also like to think that he was just showing her how a “real man” can treat her. He really is a great guy.
Yeah…my texting from his phone was pretty shady, and its not my proudest moment but I felt like I needed to hear it from her at that time because I ddin’t feel I could trust what was coming out of his mouth. I did do it in front of him with his knowledge, and although he disapproved he was eager to prove that nothing was going on between them. She did say something wierd though, she told him not to tell me about them because she thought that if I knew that I would leave him.
Post # 26
@BlueberryPi: I agree with you 100%. I’m readin the responses in this thread and thinking “WHAT?!”
“he attached a personal note saying that he cherished their time together and she made his life better in many ways, and that he loved her now and always.”
THAT is emotional cheating. Whether he’s just being a nice guy or doing it on purpose, that is just inappropriate. You had a gut reaction for some reason and I think your gut was right.
Post # 27
How exactly did he ‘betray your trust’?
And dont you think that just MAYBE you betrayed HIS trust by texting her through his phone, snooping through records, etc?
Post # 28
@newlywed187: congrats on finding a great guy. I think how he treats other is important.
Post # 29
@mandypop: I don’t mean to be judgmental about porn, as I can appreciate it too. It was a site where paid girls are on webcams what was wrong and disturbing to me was context of what he was saying to the girls when I feel he should only be saying those things to me.
I agree, the situation with his friend very likely could have played out differently to me had the entire porn situation had not just come to light.
Post # 30
@BlueberryPi: You are correct. She went off and married that guy anyway…so that left my husband even more frustrated that he wasn’t able to get through to her. He actually resents her now because throughout the course of their friendship he told her alot of lies (not about the abuse) about her situation to make him feel bad for her.
Post # 31
It sounds like he is just trying to be a friend. If this was his sister who was in an abusive relationship and he did all these things with her, it would be OK, right? So he hasn’t crossed any line. Unless he is spending too much time with her and ignoring you, but it does sound like she and her kids needed someone to pull them out of a bad situation.