(Closed) I'm a newlywed and he betrayed my trust. PLEASE HELP!

posted 9 years ago in Married Life
Post # 32
Member
1388 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@mrsbruff2b:  I’d like to think that if I had developed such a close friendship with a person of the opposite sex, I wouldn’t be accused of cheating if I said I loved my friend. Do you love your best friend? Do you tell her that? Are you accused of cheating for it? 

Post # 34
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I wouldn’t be happy if I were in your situation.  Yes your husband is a great guy but still he crossed the line (especially with his personal note – that’s too much). 

“She did say something wierd though, she told him not to tell me about them because she thought that if I knew that I would leave him.”   That should tell you something right?  Why would you would leave your husband if it’s just a friendship between friends?  It didn’t sound right.  I dont know.  Sorry I don’t think I help much.  Look it this way, the relationship was done more than half year ago and he’s been good and faithful to you so you two just have to work things out.

Post # 35
Member
1860 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Taeyers:  My best friend is my husband. This sounds more like a “hero complex” with some emotional satisfaction tacked on as a bonus. I’m not saying the “abused friend” took advantage of his attention, but from what the OP wrote, it certainly sounds like she’s thought of it.  I’m glad OP nipped it in the bud and that her husband has his priorities straight now.

Post # 36
Member
727 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I believe your husband had good intentions but it want a bit to far. I’m sure he’s a good man who loves you. If he’s apologized, admitted he was wrong and it won’t happen again it’s now up to you to forgive him and try to move on. I know it’s hard to do and may take some time for him to earn your trust.

I do find the online porn/webcam subject more disturbing. He’s talking live with a REAL person, sharing his fantasies and since he’s paying she’s more than willing to act out. I find this type of porn a bit to personal. I’m sure finding this was a shock, I would be too.

I hope you can work through this and communicate.

Post # 37
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Wait, it was a live webcam? Hold on, even most of the women who think porn is OK think that the live webcam is still cheating… that is a huge red flag for me.

Though I made sure not to get involved with Fiance in the beginning if he was into porn, as I know that is something that I’m not OK with and I was lucky enough that Fiance isn’t interested in it so it is not an issue in our relationship. So I don’t really have any advice for dealing with it (whether it is for you to “get over” it or for how to communicate with him about it, etc).

Post # 38
Member
2567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It isn’t wrong to have a physical attraction or romantic feelings for a person other than your spouse. These are natural, human feelings and a wedding ring doesn’t magically put blinders on you to the point of making all the rest of the world not exist. Acting on those feelings is wrong. But your husband didn’t act on those feelings, and actually shows quite a level of maturity and trustworthiness on this situation.

Post # 39
Member
2451 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Nat_can:  she is obviously someone who doesn’t know how healthy relationships work. I wou;dn’t be concerned about her message. The live webcam is a bigger issue if he knew you would have a problem with it but some guys really like porn.

Post # 40
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Your husband didnt betray you, he never displayed anything beyond friendship for this woman and he seems like a very caring friend who got carried away. He crossed a line, but it was an innocent mistake on his part due to his very strong desire to help his friend out. His language was not acceptable and neither was hiding the extent of the relationship from you, but this is not cheating.Dont let this ruin your trust or cause a rift. Have a calm discussion about how married men have to make sure they are always putting their wives first and being very clear about their interactions with others, that you are a glad he is a caring friend but to not let his desire to help carry him into innapropriate territory. He cannot allow his language use to suggest anything beyond friendship and he has to never hide things from you.

The live cam seems like a much bigger issue, you need to have a serious talk with him about that and let him know how you feel.

Post # 41
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Based on my past experience, the fact that you had no idea he was texting/calling her that much indicates that he was hiding it.  My ex husband did the same thing.  And denied over and over any feelings other than friend feelings for her.  It was only AFTER we were divorced and they started dating did he admit it.  Id be very cautious about this whole thing if I were you.  

 

Post # 42
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Blanche: I would say telling another woman he loves her and always will is a betrayal of trust?

Post # 43
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I don’t understand why everyone is saying it was just friendly to write a note saying he loves the other woman, why is this ok??

Post # 44
Member
8246 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@jessmicas:  Totally agree.  Sounds like he has a close female friend.  There is no problem with that.  He didn’t cheat and the converstations weren’t sexual.  They were simply good friends.

OP – It sounds to me like you have a really good guy who truely cares about the people in his life.  Don’t ruin a good thing by getting upset over nothing.

Post # 45
Member
8480 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

If there were that many phone calls and texts without you knowing about it he obviously was hiding it. That right there I would consider a betrayal of trust, even if he had good intentions for the other person. It doesn’t sound like he cheated so I hope you can work through this. I would be very upset too.

Post # 46
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Mrsluckywife:  Because a lot of people say they love their friends. I love my friends. Its not a romantic love obviously.

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