(Closed) I'm a newlywed and he betrayed my trust. PLEASE HELP!

posted 9 years ago in Married Life
Post # 47
Member
8246 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@Mrsluckywife:  There are many people in my life besides my husband and family that I love and care deeply for (both male and female).  That doesn’t mean there is anything romantic with anyone but my husband.

Post # 50
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@newlywed187:  You’re welcome and I wish you the best of luck 🙂 Counselling sounds like the best way to go so it’s great that you are having that. Good luck x

Post # 51
Member
2567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think it may be wise to try to separate your feelings on his friendship with this other girl, from your feelings on his visits to the porn sites. They are two different animals. While I’m not in the camp that thinks “all men need porn,” I’m also not in the camp that porn is inherently evil; many if not most men find porn to be a type of entertainment, and can view porn and even interact with webcam girls on a level that has zero emotional impact. It’s almost like going to a movie for many men, or a car show: just something to pass the time and entertain them. His relationship with the other girl, on the other hand, is very emotional but not sexual, and to me it sounds like there’s maybe some romantic feelings there but no acting on them. A complicated situation, for sure, but not really inappropriate.

Anyway the two issues are blurring into each other but that is going to do more harm than good, because they’re really not related, but when taken together, they paint a situation that’s much more negative than it really is.

Post # 52
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t really think he did anything wrong. My Fiance and I are in a long distance relationship and all my friends in my area are guys. I text them all the time and I get together with them a few times a week. My Fiance has female friends whom he spends a ton of his time with. It’s no big deal, at the end of the day I love him and he loves me and talking and spending time with them doesn’t constitute cheating or the breaking of your trust. There isn’t really anything for him to apologize for our for you to forgive.

Post # 53
Member
1640 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I too have male friends I text/talk to all the time. However, my SO knows I do this! How does a married man spend hundreds of minutes a month on a phone with a woman and send thousands of texts to her without his wife noticing? He hides it. That alone would be enough to make me worry. Not the fact that they are texting/calling, but the fact that he is hiding it from you. Obviously by hiding it, he thinks he is doing something wrong. That paired with the webcam thing (again, hiding), I would be worried. Sounds like counseling will do you guys a world of good. 

Post # 54
Member
3525 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Telling someone you love them, even if they are of the opposite sex, doesn’t have to mean anything romantic. FH and I both have friends that we have said it to, even in each other’s presence. Saying it means something, but it’s not a bad thing. Telling someone you miss them is the same way. The words in themselves are not the problem.  The fact that it seems he’s hiding it from you is. 

Post # 55
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m surprised by the number of posters who think what OP’s husband did was ok. I would not be comfortable with his actions at all. Not that a spouse can’t have friends of the opposite sex, but I definitely think it crosses the line when they are texting as much as her husband was and that he sent flowers and took her out for ice cream. Why didn’t he tell OP, “Hey, I’m taking ‘co-worker’ out for ice cream and I’m sending her flowers.” ??? He didn’t because he knew it was inappropriate. My concern is that he was looking for more from her and the girl wasn’t interested in anything back from him, or it could’ve gone further.

OP, hopefully counseling will get you 2 through this. Good luck.

Post # 56
Member
1817 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Honestly, sounds to me like you were completely out of line. He didn’t do anything wrong in my mind.

Post # 58
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

In my opinion – he enjoyed being her “savior”. He relished the attention and the admiration he received from this girl. It sounds like he wasn’t unfaithful to you in the sense of having an affair, but this is how many emotional affairs begin.

Never underestimate the power of stroking a man’s ego – instead use it to your advantage now that you’re married.

Post # 59
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Annabelle86:

View original reply
@Mrs.KMM: I understand that, but the context here was such that saying he loves her seemed to come across romantically in my opinion. I would not be happy with this and I am surprised so many would be.

Post # 61
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Mrsluckywife:  

View original reply
@celticbride:  

I agree with both of you.  The relationship with the other woman seems to have crossed some boundaries and blurred into an emotional (and possibly physical) affair.

I disagree that it’s ok to have secrets of such magnitude from your spouse.  If this other woman were truly a friend, and nothing more than just a friend, the wife would have been included in the friendship.

I wouldn’t be cool with any of this.  The fact that it was a huge secret leads me to believe the secretiveness was because he had something to hide.  Honest people don’t do something like this, I wouldn’t be able to trust anything he said after this.  Hiding things is no different from lying (by omission).  SHADY!!

There are too many red flags.  One or two things, maybe I would believe.  But hundreds of texts and phone calls, flowers, lunch dates, the words “I love you,” the weird message from the other woman, the live webcame porn, spending time with her and her child on his day off, the length of time this went on, secrets from each other’s SO’s – it all adds up to too many things hidden from your spouse. 

The “crying on the shoulder” ploy is a pretty common, especially to come onto a “nice guy.”  They fall for it every time.  It’s doubtful this chick was even in a truly abusive relationship, she married him, after all.  Maybe he was a jerk to her because she spent so much time talking to and texting her hero work buddy.  Her MARRIED hero work buddy.  Ugh.

I don’t think married couples should have secrets from each other.

I also feel snooping is wrong.  OP, why did you feel the need to snoop in the first place?  Were you suspicious?

Edit:  One more question – OP, how would your husband feel if this situation was reversed?  Would he appreciate your having a close, secret relationship with another male to this magnitude?  You need to ask him that.

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