(Closed) I'm a newlywed and he betrayed my trust. PLEASE HELP!

posted 9 years ago in Married Life
Post # 62
Member
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Emotional affairs can be just as hurtful as physical affairs.  But I think this can be worked out since it doesn’t seem like it progressed to a physical affair.  Talk about it and consider going to counseling just to have a neutral third party to referee any discussions and prevent more hurt feelings.  Set ground rules about friendships with the opposite sex and make sure you and your spouse are aware of what behaviors are dealbreakers.  As with any friends, you should know who they are and meet them too.  Maybe seeing a healthy relationship would have helped her more than just the extra male attention (which probably made the “bad” guy jealous and more likely to be abusive and possessive.)

Post # 63
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@beachbride1216:   This is great advice.  All of those things should have been done long before they ever got married, though. 

Post # 64
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

@beachbride1216:  +1. I think you guys need counseling

For me, it is cheating emotionally what your Fiance did. I have alot of friends that are guys, but I know where the line draws! I would never write such a personal card like that to my guy friends. I do understand that he wanted to help this woman out, that is a noble thing to do, but he crossed the line in my opinion.

Post # 65
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I can see why you’re upset but it seems like it was just friendship that got a little too intense for what is usually appropriate for someone that is engaged. Unless those texts or phone calls were explicit I don’t think you really have anything to worry about.

Post # 66
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Sunfire: ” The “crying on the shoulder” ploy is a pretty common, especially to come onto a “nice guy.”  They fall for it every time.  It’s doubtful this chick was even in a truly abusive relationship, she married him, after all.  Maybe he was a jerk to her because she spent so much time talking to and texting her hero work buddy.  Her MARRIED hero work buddy.  Ugh.”


that IS true–however even if the coworkers intentions were dishonest it doesn’t seem as if his were—but the lines may have become blurry somewhere along the line

Post # 67
Member
3949 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I think if i were in your shoes I’d be upset and concerned about this relationship.  If there wasn’t a problem with his behavior, 7 months ago, why did you just find out about this all only now??? I would have a serious discussion with him about the lines he crossed in this “friendship”.  Some guys just like playing Knight In shining armour and get a little carried away.  I’m glad she’s out of the picture but I’d really only feel better after a long talk about boundries.

Post # 68
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t believe him, period.  He was hiding his true relationship with her for a reason, and more than likely because he knew it was inappropriate, especially for a married man.

My barometer for what is acceptable in my marriage is if it’s something I can’d do or say in front of my spouse, I’d better not go there.

Post # 69
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds to me like he was just being a nice guy and was trying to help this girl get out of a nasty situation. I think he should have been up front about the extent of it yes, but other than that I don’t think he did anything wrong. You encouraged him to help her and he did so… I think you should feel lucky to have such a caring husband that would help someone in that situation. Good luck to you.

Post # 70
Member
3338 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I must be living on a different planet.

1000s of texts?  I miss you?  Hours of phone calls?  Your dude was, at the very minimum, engaged in an emotional relationship with this girl.  And it needs to be said… you are in DENIAL.

Deep down you know something is not right if this girl got married in February & now it’s the end of the year and you’re still wondering about it.  The red flag is waving right in your face… open your eyes. 

That being said I know from experience that it is incredibly difficult.  Though the sooner you admit what was/is going on the better so you can be on a path to truly healing… with whatever that may be.  I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Post # 71
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Just to say, some of you are suggesting counselling, and OP has already said that they are having counselling for both the issues.

Post # 72
Member
297 posts
Helper bee

I have a male friend who could have done every one of those things, and he is 100% an honest, loving, caring, trustworthy guy.

If I were you, I’d have an honest talk with your sweetheart about the shock of learning the depth of their friendship, and that you’d feel much more comfortable in the future if he can be up front with you about it. I think I’d trust him that it’s platonic… sounds like he knew what she needed, and was a good friend to her.

It’s a shame you weren’t in the loop and you didn’t understand the depth of that friendship – because that’s probably why you don’t trust him right now. If he’s going to be that close with women in the future, you’d feel better if he told you all about it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with his friendship, but he does have to realize that that kind of situation calls for a little more disclosure towards his wife.

Post # 73
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

1) I think he had an emotional affair. No need to be secretive, be told not to tell your significant other if it’s “just a friendship” right? If you have to be sneaking around, there’s obviously something more to it.

 

2) DO NOT apologize for NOT being okay with the porn thing. If YOU think it’s wrong for YOUR relationship, then it’s wrong for your relationship. People are kind of jumping on you for thinking it’s wrong, but hell if you guys have established it’s not for you- then so be it. DH and I try to follow a christian lifestyle as much as possible (in no way perfect), and for us porn IS wrong. So, if one of us did this, we’d be in counseling probably as well.

 

I think being in counseling is great for you guys, and hopefully you can move past this and start to rebuild trust. I think that’s the real issue here. You guys need to rebuild trust from the ground up.

Post # 74
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@mepayne:  Agreed, except I wouldn’t go to a male friend’s house alone or vice versa. It would make FH uncomfortable. I’d be uncomfortable if he did the same.


Those are YOUR boundaries, not hers. I personally don’t understand what there is to be uncomfortable about if there is explicit trust in the other.

Post # 75
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@deetroitwhat:  +1

View original reply
@newlywed187:  While I agree that men can have female friends, I think it is important that she is a friend of the marriage, not just of your husband. From her remark about how he shouldn’t tell you about them because you’ll leave him, well that right there shows that she is no friend of the marriage if she is telling your husband to lie to you. I think your husband might be in denial about his feelings/intentions toward her. At the very minimum this was an emotional affair, In My Humble Opinion. I’m sorry you are going through this, but I think its a very good sign that he is willing to go to counseling with you. 

Post # 76
Member
24 posts
Newbee

I would be extremely upset that he told her her loved her and always would.  It feels inappropriate to me, but I’m not in your relationship.  It’s not his job to show her what a real man would do in a relationship with her.  Just my opinion.

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