(Closed) I'm a newlywed and he betrayed my trust. PLEASE HELP!

posted 9 years ago in Married Life
Post # 77
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I agree with PPs that this sounds very much like an emotional affair.  If she was ONLY a friend, then why not mention all the things he did?  Also, as a woman, if I was having issues with my own man, I would probably talk to both the husband and his wife for support.  I wouldn’t be comfortable spending that much time with a married man w/o his wife unless I was hoping for more.

A couple of people mentioned the “hero” mentality.  I’ve actually known several men (all married) who played this “role” in what turned out to be an emotional affair.  The reason for ALL of them to do this was b/c another woman “needed” them instead of their wives.  Maybe that has something to do with it? 

 

Post # 78
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I have to echo, some of the other answers here in that it sounds like he did a good thing in trying to help a friend! female or male, does it really matter in that situation? I would be proud, instead of angry personally, maybe he could have been more open in how much time he acctually was talking with her but I would consider that minor compared to helping someone in need of help!

Post # 79
Member
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Clearly an emotional affair and not ok!! If it wasn’t an emotional affair, why wasn’t he telling his wife about *hundreds* of texts and *hundreds* of minutes on the phone? A male-female friendship is fine… but not if major details are kept secret from your partner. Or that he met her on his day off… sorry, I call that: a date. And then he wrote “that he loved her now and always”. No, I believe it’s wrong for a man to say “I love you” to a woman like that, except to his partner or a relative.

Even if he didn’t physically cheat, he clearly crossed the line. OP, hopefully you can make him understand that is not ok, and in future you should keep each other “in the loop” when it comes to opposite sex friendships.

Post # 80
Member
1182 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

“I have texted her pretending to be him”

Out of everything I read, this is the problem. It seems to  me that you’re the one violating trust here, not him. You’re the one snooping on his phone records and texting his friends pretending to be him.

He’s been up front and telling you about his friendship with her, and her situation, from the beginning. She’s been married and out of his life since January. Now you’re refusing to take his statement of his feelings about her at face value, even though it doesn’t seem like he ever lied to  you about the friendship.

If he tells you he had feelings for this girl, even if it’s not true, because you badgered him into it, how’s that going to make you feel? Vindicated?

I think the real question is, why do you want, so badly, for him to admit he had feelings for her? Is it because you’re looking for an excuse to get out of the relationship? Is it low self-esteem and feelings that you don’t deserve him? Is it a fear of abandoment that’s making you look so hard for betrayal? I think those are questions you should be asking yourself, because it sounds like whatever is going on is going on with you, and if you don’t figure it out, your snooping and jealousy is going to be the cause of some real problems in your relationship.

ETA: When your Fiance has a relationship with someone that is causing you discomfort, you talk to him about it. You tell him that you feel like his emotional investment in that relationship is causing problems in your relationship. You don’t go sneaking around in his phone records and texting people pretending to be him. Because that’s nuts. If you trust someone so little that you feel compelled to do those things, you probably shouldn’t be together. 

Post # 81
Member
1182 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@BlueberryPi:  

Wait, it was a live webcam? Hold on, even most of the women who think porn is OK think that the live webcam is still cheating… that is a huge red flag for me. 

Agreed. I don’t think there’s (much) wrong with men looking at pictures of naked ladies, or even videos. But when it’s live webcams and interaction, that feels (to me) more like prostitution than porn. And that’s definitely on my “not okay” list. 

(I can see, after reading further, where the trust issues came from. But I still don’t think he was in the wrong with the friendship, especially if it’s been over for months.)

Post # 82
Member
35 posts
Newbee

Wow! I feel very differently than most of the ladies here on this issue. I went through a very similar situation two years back, although we obviously weren’t married. We had been together for over a year, and I found out a bit later that he had been far more friendly with a female coworker than I would have liked. We went to counseling and are now very clear on what the boundaries are for cheating, emotional and physical. We are also more open, honest and understanding. I can see why your upset.

I also just wanted to add that while I do tell best guy friends I love them, my fiancé is fully aware of it and has met them. He knows we text occasionally, and so forth. The biggest problem that I can see in your situation is the secrecy.

That being said, snooping never helps any situation (which you already know). You know him better than anyone. If you think he was truly trying to help her and be a good guy, trust that! Just be very clear on what you are comfortable with, and if you feel that counseling would help, give it a shot.

Good luck! 🙂

Post # 83
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Sunfire:  +1

OP: I am so sorry for your heartbreak. I know this must be a very difficult time for you. Hang in there, it sounds like you’ve already taken steps to try and restore your relationship with your DH. 

Just wanted to note that because you snooped in his phone does not invalidate your feelings or let your DH off the hook for anything that he did. Yeah, probably better to talk first before snooping, but hey, he also gave you huge reasons to check out his phone/email/etc. Also, you obviously don’t have a track record of snooping since you were unaware of the 1000+ communications between them. So, because you checked out his actions, even pretended to be him, that does not mean that oops, now you can’t be mad about anything or feel betrayed because you “betrayed” him too. That is false. 

Post # 84
Member
1568 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

The note attached to the flowers is what crossed the line for me. If my fiance ever personally wrote on a card attached to flowers (intended from a group of people) and said that he loved her now and always – that is a HUGE red flag. At that point, I would snoop all you want. Go with your gut feelings, they rarely steer you off track.

Post # 86
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee

I have several male friends that are in my “closer” list, if you get what I mean, and my SO has female friends of his in the same group.One of those friends Ive knows for 8 years, when my family issues happened that went realllllly shitty and my SO at first, was not around( I hasnt met him yet) he was there. And after my SO got together, he checked up on me, and we grab lunch every so often, or did …

until his crazy ex blocked my number and me off of facebook because she is threatened by any attractive friend of his.

You need to let it go. If there was nothing physical, and he stated how much he loved you in one of those messages, hes in the clear. And ice cream with the kid? C’mon=harmless.

 

Post # 87
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Although it sounds like something platonic, i just don’t get why he wouldn’t tell you upfront what he was doing with her.  If he had nothing to hide then why not tell you about it? However, if you confirmed all your fears of cheating, then i suggest try to forget and forgive.  Hopefully this never happens again.  Good luck! :))

Post # 89
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

“but he attached a personal note saying that he cherished their time together and she made his life better in many ways, and that he loved her now and always.”

 

Say what? He loved her now and always? That is not something a man writes on a card to a friend unless he is gay and he is talking to his female best friend. That is inappropriate and you have a right to feel like he betrayed you. Whatever this so-called friendship is, it’s an emotional relationship of intimacy and that is not something you foster with another woman when you are married, I don’t care what anyone says.  I think you need to face the possibility that your husband is not being faithful, I’m sorry. 🙁

Post # 90
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Okay l’ll be the one to say that i think his behavior was out of line. Hours and hours on the phone and a thousand text messages a month to another woman is too much. I’m sitting here with DH and he thinks so, too, that it’s disrespectful to your wife. And in any case, you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.  All those hours he should have been spending with his new wife and she married her abuser anyway. 

 

ETA: and with the new Info that I hadn’t read about the flowers and the note, just confirms my thoughts about an emotional affair. Yeah, not appropriate

Post # 91
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I understand how you’re feeling. Even if your man was trying to be a good friend, there’s a pretty thick line you don’t cross. A personal note saying he loves her seems to have definitely crossed the line and ice cream with her kid might be another big jump over the line. 

I’m not saying these things are a reason to not trust him ever again or to break things off.  I’m saying…I understand why you would feel betrayed. 

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