I'm a very nervous virgin

posted 1 year ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

I had a friend who had an issue like this and she had to have (minor) surgery of some sort in order for it to be able to work at all. I would highly recommend talking to your doctor in advance to avoid having an issue on your wedding night. 

Post # 4
Member
7816 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Have you done anything sexual at all with your fi yet? Like oral/manual below the pants action? If not, I would recommend starting there and not putting pressure on yourself to go “all the way” on your wedding night. Going from 0 to 100 in one night is simply not natural for a lot of people. But starting slowly, getting used to being intimate together without fully having sex will make you more comfortable and less terrified of sex itself. For many women there’s a big emotional/mental component to sex, and if you’re feeling nervous and uptight, that will make the whole experience more painful and difficult even if you are using a lot of lube. The key is to feel relaxed and aroused, and for me at least, many months of foreplay with my partner before actually doing the deed really helped me feel more at ease with the whole thing. (Not saying you need to wait months necessarily, but even just a few weeks or days of doing other things besides sex may help you feel more comfortable.)

Also, once you do try to have sex for the first time, don’t be surprised or upset if you can’t complete the deed the first time. When I lost my virginity, it took 3 or 4 separate occasions on different days before my then-bf and i were finally able to have sex because it was so uncomfortable for me and I kept telling him to stop before he was fully inside. But through all of that I never felt terrified or anything cause I was very relaxed with him and wasn’t feeling pressured. 

Good luck bee and don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor about this too as they may have some helpful suggestions.

Post # 5
Hostess
8488 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

graced :  I vote to speak to your Doc ASAP. I am sure they will be able to help when you explain what you have explained here. The sooner the better before it gets built up into a huge issue. But most of all talk to your partner about your feelings and let them support you! 

Post # 7
Member
7816 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

graced :  In that case I think it’s def smart to ease in with foreplay type stuff on your wedding night and the days following rather than going straight to sex! Even just spending some time cuddling/making out while naked or topless is going to feel sooo sexy and like a huge step for you since you’ve never done that before. Just take it one day/hour at a time and do what feels natural and what you want to do. Is your fi supportive of easing in like this or do you think he’s really hoping/expecting to go all the way on your wedding night?

Post # 10
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I was in same position (I was a virgin, he was not, but we waited till our wedding night for sex).  Just got married a month ago.  I was super nervous and freaked out our first time, and I’ve been dealing with a lot of pain every time we’ve tried.  I’ve never used tampons and it took years to even let a gyn put do a full exam “up there”.  So it may be psychological for me.  I’m going to schedule an appointment with a gynecologist soon to see if I have vaginismus or an intact hymen, or at any rate see the cause and figure out how to move forward so I can finally enjoy this with my husband!

Anyway, what people told me – lots of foreplay (which we did while dating/engaged, so that part wasn’t awkward for us).  Lots of lubricant (which I’m still learning how to use, haha).  And communicate!  We talk to each other while trying “is that okay?” “This hurts too much, stop.” “That feels good.”

Post # 11
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Your doc gave you some good suggestions, another thing you can try is a hot bubble bath or hot tub together. Go in together, make out, just get used to some skin on skin. This will help relax your body and help get you feeling comfortable and sexy. I know of a couple in your same situation and a glass of champagne and a hot tub did the trick for them (i dont know if she struggled with tampons or anything though, but it would be worth a shot!)

Post # 13
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

graced :  Happy to help! It doesnt have to be scary or awkward – as long as you can communicate comfortably, it can be fun and exciting!

Post # 14
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

Have you ever explored yourself on your own? I found knowing my body and being somewhat used to penetration really helped the first few times. Also, I second the suggestion of starting with non-penetrative. Just being naked in front of each other for the first time will be new… no need to rush into anything. Are you sure the problem is your hymen? You could be involuntarily contracting your muscles also. Exploring yourself and taking your time would definitely help you with that.

Post # 15
Hostess
8488 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

graced :  also….  Just remember you don’t have to lose your virginity on your wedding night. You will both be tired. If it happens afterwards it happens. Don’t stress. 

Post # 16
Member
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

graced :  I think one of the key things for you and your fiance  will be to communicate.  He’s obviously the type to respect your desires to a virgin till marriage, and given that he’s waited with you … his body is likely to be a bit more ‘raring to go’ so to speak.  If penetrative sex doesn’t work that night you may want to consider some other options to get him to the finish line as well (not necessary, but I can imagine he’d appreciate it).

Your doctor gave great suggestions, and the hot tub is another good one.  I don’t know if you’d be up to it, based on your comments about religious reasons, but some self exploration beforehand could be beneficial as well.  Knowing how you like to be touched will help you to become aroused on your wedding night, and if you can explain to him what feels good – he’ll be able to help you out more.

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