(Closed) I'm a virgin wife. I'm so lost.

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
4767 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

secretbumblebee:  what? 

I’m confused: 

He’s so patient with me but I know he wishes I wasn’t like this.

but then you say that he’s never been naked around you but you have around him, wouldn’t this mean that you’re being patient?  Or are you saying you don’t want to?  You haven’t conveyed the situation well.

Post # 3
586 posts
Busy bee

Atalanta:  I think she means that she’s comfortable being naked herself, but she’s afraid of the male body (doesn’t want to see husband naked) and is too scared to have sex.

 EDIT: OP, can you tell us what exactly makes you fear seeing your husband naked? Have you ever seen a man naked before, even if it wasn’t in real life? 

Look, if you can’t afford therapy I’ll tell you about a CBT technique called ‘graded exposure’. Basically, when you’re afraid of something that you want or need to do, it helps to create a ‘ladder’ of sorts, where you work your way up to doing what it is you’re afraid of. You start small, and work your way up to more challenging things, and eventually you end up doing the big thing it was that you feared. It works because you face all your fears, but you do it gradually and as you go up the ladder, you gain confidence.

For you I guess, sex with your husband would be at the top of the ladder. Seeing him naked would probably be somewhere in the middle. It’s all at your discretion, but I imagine you’d start with small things like looking at an image of a naked man (if you’ve never seen one), then working your way up to see various parts of your husband’s body, until you get to the part you’re afraid of. And from there I’m sure you can imagine some of the physical things you might do together to work your way up to having sex.

Obviously I don’t know your story, so these are just examples I thought of. I’d recommend doing this exercise with your husband. Let him help you construct the ladder. It’ll show him you’re really trying to change, and he can also keep you accountable. Remember, it’s all about taking small steps, slowly. You’ll get there. It’s also very important to discover why you’re afraid, and talk it through with your husband and of course in your own head (maybe you can journal about it?) if you can’t afford therapy.

Good luck and best wishes.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  ArcadiaRose.
Post # 4
134 posts
Blushing bee

Are you saying you are afraid to see him naked?  If so, what are you afraid of?

Post # 5
13668 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think we all need more information to help.  How long have you been married?  Why are you afraid to see your husband naked?  

Post # 6
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If you’re afraid to see him naked, why did you get married? The whole purpose is to make it a sexually exclusive relationship, is it not? I’d be frustrated if I were him because it’s a bit of a bait and switch.

I know you say you can’t afford help, but this is nowhere near “normal” and he may be suffering from feelings of inadequacy or lack of trust from his own wife. Is there NOTHING you can cut out of the budget for even a few therapy sessions just to save your marriage?

Post # 7
437 posts
Helper bee

Hey bee. It sounds like you do need therapy, maybe you could call a hotline? They have some people you could talk to. 

This might be a personal question, but we’re you every sexually abused? Of so, I really don’t think anyone here can help because that’s not just “being scared to do it”, it’s a serious issue that needs to be dealt with by a professional. I’m only asking because you are okay with him seeing you naked, which means you are comfortable with yourself, but not comfortable seeing him. Did someone force you to touch them? Again, only trying to help girl, I really hope you are okay. 

Just so you know I was sexually assaulted. So I really do understand the feeling of discust towards sex after it happens. For me it was the opposite and the discust and discomfort was towards myself. 


Even if you weren’t sexually assaulted, that doesn’t make your problem any less serious because clearly you are uncomfortable. All I can say is my partner waited for me as long as I needed. We tool things VERY VERY slowly. I now have a beautiful son:) everything will be okay. 

Post # 8
1326 posts
Bumble bee

Without sounding harsh… are you sure you’re straight? 

Post # 9
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

secretbumblebee:  Get drunk and make it fun/funny.. I can’t imagine never seeing my partner naked. Especially if you’re cool with your own nudity. I’d say it’s time to jump both feet first. Check it out blindly first if it helps.. 

Perhaps I’m insensitive and don’t fully get what you’re going through and if that’s the case please ignore me. But I feel like it’s similar to other phobia’s, sometimes you just have to deal with it to get over it.

Post # 10
437 posts
Helper bee

darkhorse84:  No. The point of marriage isn’t sexual. I can’t even believe you’d right your hideous post. She is clearly going through something. Shame on you. 

What of she pr he was paralyzed and couldn’t have sex? When people get older they lose there sex drive. Honestly, people get married because they love one another. Sex is NOT mandatory. And for some, it isn’t possible due to physical reasons. Are you saying those people can’t get married because they can’t have sex? 

Post # 12
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

How does being intimate make you feel?  

Did you grow up being told or learning things that make it seem like something negative, or was someone mean to you?  

When clothed, are you comfortable with hugs, sitting together on the couch, laying side by side, being close as long as you don’t feel it’s suddenly “sex”?  

Are you afraid of inercourse, or of any and all sexual contact?  

Are you scared it will hurt?

And not asking for Too Much Information, really just need infor to be able to understand, but how close have you gotten?

 FI and I were together for 2 years without intercourse, but we gradually moved into intimate acts that I was comforatnle with – he is the only man I have ever dated, kissed, or been intimate in any way with.  He waited for me to be ready, and for it to be my idea, which I really apprecaited and respect.  But then, we were also only dating and not married, and while I know many who value marriage before sex, they are fully ready for sex when the vow are taken.  So can you explain a bit more?

Post # 13
196 posts
Blushing bee

Yeah, I’ve read your other posts and this isn’t going to get any better until you bite the bullet.

You told him you were waiting until marriage for sex, but now the poor guy is trapped in a sexless marriage and you’re no further along with things. 

I just think you need to suck it up and get it over with, if you don’t want to because you’re too scared, then I’d honestly ask whether you trust and feel safe with your husband? Because I don’t feel like this would be an issue of you trusted him and felt safe with him?

I am genuinely really sorry if this post is insensitive but I think a lot of this is in your head.

Post # 14
437 posts
Helper bee

secretbumblebee:  I’m really glad you weren’t sexually assaulted! 

The night terrors are unusual. But that’s okay. You will figure this out. But you really need professional help. Not in a mean way, I’m saying that out of love. It’s really okay to not have sex if you are okay with that and he is okay with that. What is not okay is not having sex even though you want to because you are have some pretty awful feelings of fear. 

Post # 15
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

You say you’ve never even seen a man naked on TV…

Maybe try some porn while you’re alone?

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