(Closed) I'm a widow… Now what?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Hostess
18615 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m so sorry for your loss.

There is no standard number, start looking for a relationship when you are ready.  My mom died when I was in high school and my dad was dating about 6 months later.  Don’t care about what other people say, it is your life and you can do what you want with it.

Post # 4
Member
7656 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think a lot of those qustions you need to forget about, especiall questions about a future wedding. Focus on having fun as a single and ready to mingle gal. Eventually things will happen and when you meet the right person you will get excited all over again. Then you an start asking yourself the questions of marriage. But I would take this delicate situation one day at a time and enjoy the ride that this journey will take you on 🙂

Post # 5
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

My deepest sympathies for your loss. I can’t even imagine what this must be like to go through.

These are not stupid questions, for the record, and not something you should just shelve and forget about. I can only guess at what it must be like to feel like your life has been shattered and you don’t know where to begin picking up the pieces, but of course your questions are legitimate.

I just heard a show on public radio the other day about a woman who has a blog and wrote a book called Widows Wear Stilettos, for people who find themselves widowed (at any age, but especially at younger-than-typical ages) and feel like they’re alone in trying to negotiate everything that comes along with the bereavement of a spouse. I would check out the website (widowswearstilettos.com) and see about finding some resources for support, and maybe some other younger widows that you can connect with.

I hope you find it helpful, and I wish you well in the future.

Post # 6
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

When is it ok for me to start dating again?
Whenever you feel ready to. 

If I did meet someone, when is it ok to think about marriage?
Relationships all generally progress the same way. When did you feel in the relationship that you wanted to marry your late husband? Go with that. 

If I were planning to get married, do you think my parents would still help me pay for it? They helped with a majority for the first wedding, but is it weird to assume they’ll help again?
It’s not weird, but you shouldn’t assume they will.

How do I stop myself from listening to people with negative thoughts? I feel like I’m a people pleaser so I don’t know how to ignore the “Why is she dating/getting married so soon or Why isn’t she moving fast enough or How come she picked that guy; her husband before was so much better?”
First question: It’s none of their business
Second question: it’s none of their business
Third question: How dare they compare your current beau to your late husband? They are two different people. It’s none of their business. 

How do I get myself excited for another relationship? I mean, I’ve already been asked out, I’ve already been proposed to, I’ve already planned a wedding, etc. How do I get excited for another round? (Since it’s not the first time anymore, how do I make it seem like it is…)
It’s a new relationship. I’m pretty sure you’d get all excited again even if you’re been through it before because it’s going to be a new guy, new life together, new everything. Having done it before doesn’t mean it gets stale. It’s a completely different person you’re doing it with now. 

Post # 7
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Well first, I am so sorry that you lost your husband.

1. When is it ok for me to start dating again? If I did meet someone, when is it ok to think about marriage?

Whenever it feels right to you.  There aren’t any rules.  Maybe you just want to get out of the house and get some normalcy in your life.  There isn’t anything wrong with that.  As far as marriage, same answer.  Whatever feels right.

2. Such a dumb question, but If I were planning to get married, do you think my parents would still help me pay for it? They helped with a majority for the first wedding, but is it weird to assume they’ll help again?

If it were me, I wouldn’t think they would help again.  Plus it will be a second marriage for you so maybe think about something more low key.  But again, it’s whatever you want.

3. How do I stop myself from listening to people with negative thoughts? I feel like I’m a people pleaser so I don’t know how to ignore the “Why is she dating/getting married so soon or Why isn’t she moving fast enough or How come she picked that guy; her husband before was so much better?”

I think less people will think this way then you think.  People probably want the best for you, and to see you happy.  You can’t just sit home and grieve forever, and I think people understand that.  It won’t be easy, of course, but I think you’ll get less negativity than you think.

Best wishes xoxo

Post # 8
Member
616 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

First off, I’m sorry for your loss.  That being said, I think that if you’re ready, you’re ready.  I probably wouldn’t publicize that you are dating or want to date to everyone, because people can (and probably will) be judgemental, but that’s not really your problem.

As far as how to get excited about the whole thing, I really couldn’t tell you.  I think that when you meet an interesting person, you will get excited about everything all over again.  Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
4110 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I wouldn’t worry about what others think of you, but I would definitely give it more time before you start dating again out of respect. I wouldn’t be anywhere near emotionally ready yet. I mean, I would hope that if something happened to me, my husband would find happiness again with someone else eventually. But not 5 months later. I’m very sorry you lost your husband, what a horrible experience to go through. Hugs to to you girl.

Post # 10
Member
6746 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

First, I’m so sorry you lost your husband and I wish the best for you. 

Now, on to advice:

You’re way too concerned with what other people think and feel about your life.  You need to stop, take some time to yourself and ask yourself these questions.  What do YOU want?  What are YOU ready for?  I don’t think there’s an answer for how fast or how slow or whatnot.  Every person is different and every relationship is different. 

For eg, I started dating my FI 2 weeks after my ex and I broke up (and we were dating over a year).  Everyone says you need so much more time than that to get over a relationship and while I wasn’t “over” him and it still hurt in the very beginning, my FI was understanding, plus I knew that I didn’t want to be with my ex and that relationship was over and that I didn’t want to pass up on the opportunity of missing out on my now-FI because I waited to “heal 100%” – I knew what I wanted was in my FI from the start and I knew I didn’t want to mess it up by “waiting” around too long.  But in past relationships, I waited nearly 1 year between serious relationships.

What I think you should do is just keep your mind open to the idea of dating.  If someone asks you out, go out with them IF YOU WANT TO.  And don’t think about what other people say or do because they don’t have to live your life after you’ve made decisions based on what THEY think.  YOU are the only one living your life!!!

As for getting excited about the second wedding, I am sure that you will get excited about it again.  I’m sure that it’s not as exciting to think about right now because you’ve already had one before, but when you meet “the one” again, and I’m sure you will, you will be excited for the wedding because you will be so excited to celebrate each other.  And you might want to do things a little differently, especially since your FI will be different and he may want different things, etc. 

So my final words of advice is not to be so concerned with what other people think or feel, decide for yourself what makes you happiest, and don’t worry so much about the future – the future will come and you will be ready for it, because that’s just the way life is. 

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Post # 11
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Im very sorry to hear about your husbands passing my step father is also in a battle with cancer right now. I think the most important thing is he would have wanted you to be happy and do what was good for yourself. Think of him as your friend and what would he want you to do. I think ti might be to early to start dating but definetly you can look around and start making some friends. Let things happen as they wish and dont rush things for awhile but dont let coincidences fall to the side. With your parents paying for a second wedding were in the 21st century and people shouldnt assume there parents will pay for any wedding. If you can see a therapist of some sort to talk to and have support from that might really help. Best of luck and all of us girls on the Bee are here for you.

Post # 12
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Did you and your spouse ever talk about expectations if one of you died? My fiance and I have discussed this a few times and it’s a good conversation to have.

 

There is no standard, you do what feels right for you. Some people are never ready, others are ready very soon. You are not a bad person for dating someone else after losing a spouse. Death is the only thing that dissolves a marriage.

An example for you: My mother was widowed at 25. My brothers were 3 and six weeks old at the time. Six months later she met a man and they got married a year and a half later and ended up with 3 more children. My grandmother (dad’s mom) was widowed at 31 with 4 kids under the age of 8. To this day she has never dated or even thought about it.

It’s a very personal decision and you shouldn’t feel bad about your choice.

Post # 13
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I have zero experience with this, but I have thought about what would happen if my husband died.

I think you should start dating again when you are ready, whatever that means to you. There are some people who would judge you no matter what you do. I think when you are ready for another relationship, you will automatically be excited about it. Excited for your future and the possibilities a new relationship holds.

If I were to be widowed and then remarry, I don’t see myself going to traditional wedding route. Since like you said, I’ve already been there and done that. I probably wouldn’t want my parents to pay for it, wouldn’t want a diamond engagement ring, wouldn’t wear a white dress, etc… but that’s just me. I’d want it all to be different.

I really wish you the best!

Post # 14
Member
11284 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

you will start dating when you are ready.  when you have gone through the grieving process  and accepted your loss.  i would make sure that you are feeling good about yourself and where you are in life before doing so.  some casual dates, coffee, lunch, would be good to start with to give you some companionship.  don’t worry about what other people think.

Post # 15
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Firstly *HUGS*

As the other poster mentioned– there is no standard “timeframe” of what is right or wrong. When you feel good & right, then its right for YOU. I think when we lose a loved one sometimes we feel bad or guilty when we start to feel good/or OK again… As if that somehow diminishes our love and loss of the other (which it doesnt!) It sounds like you had a beautiful, loving relationship, and that he would want you to love and be happy again, rather than never feel the warmth, comfort and bliss that a loving relationship can bring one. Not to say WHEN that will happen, but that is entirely up to you and your feelings, it is your life & heart, as PP mentioned. You have to take your time and do whats right for YOU.  Dont let someone else tell you that its too soon or talking too long or give you a timetable. Grief and overcoming it, and finding sunshine again is a different journey for everyone!!!

As for being excited/enjoying another relationship, I think that too will come when you are ready. When you meet someone who makes you feel that way, you will know it.  And you may still miss your husband and think fondly of his love, but that doesnt mean that you cant love another and be happy and loved back.

 

*HUGS* 

Post # 16
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@strawbs:  +1. 

OP, ask Encore brides if they get excited the second time around. Of course they do! 🙂

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