Post # 1
I don’t even know where to begin. We’ve been engaged for 3 months… but this engagement should not have been a surprise to anyone in our family- we’ve been together for 7 years now. I was super excited when he finally proposed and I couldn’t wait to start planning everything. It was a weird feeling to want to plan a wedding because I was never the girl who dreamed of her wedding. My excitement quickly diminished when 2 days later my older brother called me to scream that he was mad that we got engaged before he did. He kept going on and on how he wanted to be the first one engaged. I was so upset because it never occurred to me that getting engaged should be a competition. Like I said earlier- we’ve been together for 7 years now where my brother has been with his current girlfriend for 6 months! I was so upset that after we hung up I called my Mom to complain (like a little girl I know) but still! I couldn’t believe it when my Mom took his side. She kept saying that I knew how my brother was and that he was insecure etc. I still couldn’t believe that she wouldn’t sympathize with me. I’m very close to my little brother and everything seemed worse because I knew he’d understand and take my side but I wasn’t able to call him. He just joined the military and was off at boot camp. I figured I would just ignore my brother and keep it in the back of my mind that it was what it was and move on and start planning our wedding! My excitement came back as I started doing research online. I would call my mom with all of my ideas but never felt like she was excited for me. I pushed it all to the back of my mind and just figured that she was still upset about my brother going into the military and us not able to contact him. This went on for about a month until I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I finally confronted my Mom and asked her if she was not ok with the wedding or what the deal was because I felt like she was being very distant. She said that she didn’t want to be one of those Mom’s who take over their daughter’s wedding so she was staying out of it. We had a heart to heart and thankfully she is now involved!
I am so stressed with this wedding already. We still haven’t booked a venue and we want to get married in April 2012 when my brother has a small break in between training sessions. My parents told us that they would give us $10,000 for the wedding. I thought awesome!! We’ve found a few venues that we’ve liked but our families always seem to find something wrong with them. We finally found someone that we loved and they had our date available. The day we went to sign the contact my best friend called and said they wouldn’t be able to make our wedding if we kept the same date. I was so upset because we had finally found a place but now we couldn’t use it. The venue only had our date available in April. Fast forward a few weeks and my parents tell us that they can only give us $5000 now. I took the news in stride and said ok- I’ll make it work. I knew it was possible to through a wedding with a $10k budget and I was up for the challenge. I started looking a different venues and found another one that would fit what we needed and wanted. It was on the beach, had an awesome deck that would fit all 100 of our guest and it was in our price range! Score!! My Mother-In-Law looks at the place on line and decides that it isn’t good enough for her. UGH! I’m thinking ARE YOU SERIOUS! She has never offered to help with any $$$ (and they are very well off). I was annoyed again! I started venting to the Mr. about it and next thing I know his mom is calling me offering to pay for the wedding. Now normally I would think that she was being super generous but I feel like she is offering this because she “feels like she has to”. I was so embarrassed yesterday when she called me. I’m not sure how to take it. She told me that it would be “our secret” and I wasn’t to tell anyone. How am I supposed to not tell my parents this- they are going to wonder where all this extra money came from. I told my fiancé that we weren’t taking the money but he wants to… I have no idea what to do!
I have no idea why I just typed all of this out or if it makes any sense- but I do feel a little better =) Thanks for listening!!
Post # 3
1. Your older brother’s being a jerk.
2. I think you should take the money because I think she wants to be involved and I just can’t see not taking it going well. But I totally understand where you’re coming from; I would feel the same way.
Post # 4
Ok. First of all I will say this. Accepting money from anyone means involveing their input as well. I would go over with Future Mother-In-Law exactly how much money she is giving you and where it will be going towards. This might cut off any potential problems. I would also do the same with your parents. I wish you good luck and everythign will turn out fine 🙂 Just keep things in perspective.
Post # 5
I think you should:
1) Ignore your older brother’s bratty behavior (my older sister acted out as well when i got engaged, but because she was also engaged and ‘mad’ that i was stealing her thunder. I just ignored her and eventually she calmed down)
2) Gracefully accept the money from your Future Mother-In-Law, but do point out that you’re not sure how it could be kept a secret
3) Try to get your Fiance to insist she gives you the cash ahead of time so there are no strings attached, although this one almost never happens!
Post # 6
Why is everyone else so involved? I pretty much planned our wedding by myself with some help from my husband and very little input from parents aside from letting them know the date. I did tell my mom everything I was planning but not for her approval.
Isn’t that odd to have the families so involved with the venue? Do they get to pick your colors also? I just wouldn’t involve them as much.
Will this money come with strings attached? We received money from parents but none had strings attached. Otherwise I wouldn’t have accepted it.
Post # 7
1. Ignore your brother. He’s being a douche.
2. Accept the money. Talk with your Future Mother-In-Law and find out how much involvement she wants.
3. You don’t have to shout it from the rooftops, but you shouldn’t keep it a complete secret either.
I would have your parents, his parents, and you two sit down and just discuss everything before you sign any contracts.
Post # 8
Honestly? Just from what you said and her offering to pay for the wedding doesn’t sound like she’s offering to pay for THAT wedding,where you said she thinks it isn’t good enough. I’ll bet you she means she’ll plan something nicer and take over the whole thing. I’d find out exactly what she meant by the offer before deciding anything.
Post # 9
1.Your brother and your Mom were being totally silly about you getting engaged and married first. What if he never met the girl of his dreams and never got married? Are you supposed to put your life on hold? Ridiculous.
2.I suggest that you and your Fiance first come to an agreement about whether or not you accept the money from his Mom. If you decide to accept it, then the two of you should meet with her and suss out what strings are attached. If she says none, then accept her generous offer and make sure you have the cash in hand before you start spending it.
Post # 10
@Talishazwi I totally agree that it’s kinda weird that everyone is involved! In the beginning I wanted my Mom’s opinions on a few things but I definitely did not want this much involvement. I haven’t talked with my Mother-In-Law about any plans but apparently my Fiance is running everything past her. UGH haha
@ThePrincessMaggie My brother has been nothing but a douche lately. I didn’t mention it in my OP but we had picked a date (3/17/12- i’m freakishly obsessed with St. Patrick’s Day) he went and proposed to his girlfriend and they booked a venue for 3.11/12 (our younger brother’s bday) I never imagined my own brother would be so inconsiderate!
I am wondering about how much involvement my Mother-In-Law is going to want if we do take the money… I don’t mind her helping- I already agreed to letting her completely plan the rehearsal dinner- but our styles aren’t the same at all. I want a low key casual beach wedding and even though she hasn’t said it outright i’m pretty sure she wants a more formal event.
Post # 11
Your brother is just jealous and being an ass. And take what ever you can get from family, weddings are expensive but you can always just go somewhere the two of you, commit to the rest of your lives together, and come back and celebrate it with your friends, without the open bar. I never understood why people pay so much toget their friends drunk and be stressed… but that’s just me… I know some people dream of the big wedding from the time they were little girls
Post # 12
@ThePrincessMaggie: EXACTLY what she said!!
Whatever your FMIL’s reasons are, she’s offering to help, and it should alleviate some of the financial stress. You can let her be somewhat involved, but only in things she’s paying for? If that makes sense, and I guess, you can look at it as a positive way to start feeling like a “daughter” rather than just “her son’s girlfriend”.