(Closed) I'm afraid having a roommate was a horrible mistake….

posted 6 years ago in Home
Post # 3
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@dayl20:  I haven’t been in your situation, but I think it’d be good for everyone to sit down and discuss some ground rules. Not in a confrontational/pointing-fingers kind of way, just discussing how to split up chores, when quiet hours should be, etc. Definitely don’t let this go! Things will just get worse that way. 

Post # 4
46406 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I have never been in this situation but have had some dificult situations with roommates.

I think it’s time for a group meeting to discuss your concerns.

I suggest that you each agree to 1/3 of the chores ( you can do your DH’s share if that works for you).

I think it is reasonable to request that he wear a headset when watching TV.

Post # 5
1071 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

My Fiance and I live with another roomate, we have lived with him for about a year.  The cleaning part of your story sounds familiar to me, our roomate does not do his fair share of cleaning but I just kinda put up with it.  One thing that helps is we have apartment cleaning times when all of us will work on cleaning the whole apartment for an hour.  One of us will vaccum, one will clean the kitchen, one will clean the bathroom.  He also eats our food, drinks our beer etc but it doesn’t really bother me.  I am from a culture where it is REALLY hard for me not to share food.  He also does favors for us, like watching our cats when we travel.  Having a roomate isn’t ideal but with our current financial situation (we are both in grad school and saving for a wedding), it is whats best for us.  However, if your roomate is making your life miserable you and your Darling Husband should have a talk with him, basically shape up or get out.  Don’t be passive agressive because in the long term that will just make the situation worse.

Post # 6
748 posts
Busy bee

Lol, this guy reminds me of someone…*whisltes*

Post # 7
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

This sounds really rough. You’re already needing to adjust to life as a married couple, and now you have your very own rebellious teenager! It sounds like he wouldn’t necessarily be a bad friend to go out with once in awhile, but he’s definitely not at the same maturity level as you and your hubby– not yet, anyway. 

I had a dorm roommate who suddenly turned irritable and took it out on me. I decided to take the high road. I was extra nice and polite to her, and I made sure not to write or say anything out of anger that I could ever be remotely embarrassed about later. I just spent as little time as possible around her and didn’t try to live with her again. My objective was to avoid a war, with people on my floor taking sides, and to come out of it the “good guy.” Later, I learned that her parents were going through a divorce, and she was not handling it well. We’re actually friends again, and I think she ended up apologizing.

I’d suggest a similar tactic with this guy. Be as diplomatic and sympathetic as you can when you talk to him, and then run like Hell away. The best scenario would be if you can move out and extricate yourself from this love/hate-triangle with everyone still being friends. Otherwise, if your hubby still likes him, and you say something out of anger, that could put tension on your relationship. By The Way, it sounds like this guy is about to crash and burn with grad school. 3 classes is a full load at that level, and you can’t be successful acting like he is. You might ask him if he could still drop a class or two, and advise him to DO IT. Less stress for him could mean a better environment for all of you– and it could prevent him from failing out, which would definitely not make him a more pleasant person to be around.  

How soon does your lease end? That would be a logical time to tell the roommate that you and your hubby want to play house together on your own. You might want to ask the landlord what the penalties are if you wanted to get out of it sooner, just so you know what all of your options are. If you’re not careful, this could put a strain on your new marriage, and saving some money on a nicer apartment just doesn’t seem worth that. 

I hope you can improve your situation!

Post # 8
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

We had a similar situation, but it was DH’s brother who moved from mom’s house to our apartment.  He had never lived alone and it was like having another child.  Then when got a new girlfriend that the entire family hated, it was like having two children (she had no job, and had also only ever lived at home and was SUPER lazy). They would make food and leave the ingredients on the stove for two days!  Like an entire head of lettuce or extra cheese.  It was disgusting! 

Ultimately, we all moved out after the lease was up.  It wasn’t until years later when BIL lived alone for eight months and then moved in with his next girlfriend that he really recognized how little he had done and how little he knew about how to handle life.  

Unfortunately, that means that your roommate will belatedly realize how much you did for him after the fact.  Find a job, any job, to get you out of there.  As soon as your lease is up, move out, if not before.  It is just too hard to live with other people who aren’t your spouse at a certain point.  

Post # 9
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

I think everyone has good suggestions here and hope you come back and give us an update on how things went!

Post # 10
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

This must be frustrating, but know that yours aren’t abnormal roommate problems. Many of these things were problems with my roommates – even the best ones. It sounds like you all just need to get on the same page. Like the PPs suggested, you should have a meeting with him to talk about chores and expectations. Best of luck! 

Post # 12
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Darling Husband were considering getting a roomate, a friend of his is deployed overseas and that  guys wife ran into some problems where she is living.  I was hesitant and leaning toward yes but holy crap I forgot what it’s like to have a roomate.  thank you so much for posting!

I think you need to have a house meeting.  That sounds so silly but…. and come to the table with what you think would be a fair agreement.

Post # 14
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Roommates are difficult to deal with in the best of scenarios but I couldn’t imagine being a newlywed and having one.  We have a roommate and I wouldn’t say he is terrible because he is a great guy but he is messy, way more messy than FH and I but since we pay less rent we really don’t say anything when we have to clean up the extra mess.  It is a pain in the a$$ though when I come home from working all day and find washing soap all over the top of the washer because he spilled it and didn’t clean it up along with his dirty dishes all over the counter for me and/or FH to take care of.  Don’t get me started on him leaving all of the doors unlocked even when he leaves the house and all of the lights on all of the time (you would think he’s afraid of the dark.)  I can’t wait until we get our own place in February!

Post # 15
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My now Ex husband and I lived with a roommate for a period of time and at first it was rough because the truth was I think I was resentful of him being there in ‘My’ space as I saw it…..

Like you we had to have a ‘sit down and talk’ session that was the best thing we ever did for us all.. we worked out a cleaning schedule and had to stick to it.  We also realised that we all needed to ‘alone’ time.. it is soooooo important.  For this we made agreements on days where hubby and I would go out on a date and the roommate got the house for the night, and vice versa.  AND we also arranged All together nights, where we would arrange a movie night etc or a meal, this meant that we could interact with each other rather that just ‘passing’ each other and again it helped for me to get to know him. 

I think it all depends on everyones attitude to the arrangement and each other as to how well it works out.   But if you swim up the stream against the current it sure is hard work!!! 🙂

Post # 16
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

ah, I feel for you.  I couldn’t do it.  I am surprised that your husband didn’t realize these things being former roommates, but like you said, college vs. married life is far different.  Luckily your husband is on the mature end and not the other way around, that’s the good news!

I would try to find ways around the little annoyances.  For example, with the dish soap–maybe you can install one of the pump dispensers in the sink (I have one and love it), then it’s handy for doing dishes but not sitting on the counter, just a pretty pump that matches.  Cleaning–maybe you can afford a cleaning person (just a suggestion, if you all chipped in I know a lot of roommates like to do that) but if not then I definitely suggest what PPs said about making a rotation or doing group cleaning.  Not fair for you to bear that burden.

Anyway, good luck, congrats on being a newlywed and I hope you find a compromise that’s fair to you!

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