(Closed) I’m an ageist……..I find that I do judge certain situations based on age :(

posted 9 years ago in Weddingbee
  • poll: Do you find yourself judging certain situations based on age?

    Yes

    No

    Sometimes

    Who does this? Age is just a number!

  • Post # 46
    Member
    955 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I do, more on the younger side.  I don’t voice it to them, whether in person or online.  But, a friend of ours was dating a girl 11 years younger than him (she was 22) and a lot of the time when they would come over to hang out, I had to keep reminding myself that she is young.  She’ll figure ‘it’ (whatever ‘it’ may be) out someday and she just had some growing up to do yet.  But, I’m sure I had some of the same qualities back then LOL.  I think the difference now is that I know I don’t have it all figured out, and that’s OK, and I don’t pretend like I do.  I’m also much more open to others opinions, beliefs, etc.

    Post # 47
    Member
    3182 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I make judgments that in general a 19 year old is not going to be as ready for marriage as a 29 year old. Life experience does not automatically equate maturity, BUT there is a positive correlation there.  A 30 year old has more life experience than a 20 year old.  Most 30 year olds are more mature than most 20 year olds. That’s just life. 

    Post # 48
    Member
    3148 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2010

    I think that it’s rare to meet somebody under 21 who is more mature than their age. yes, some do exist, but most people under that age have barely just begun their adult lives. so yes, I do judge. 

    I think it has a lot to do with my own experience. when I was 21, I was living on my own and paying my own bills, but maturity wise I was still practically a teenager. I changed A LOT between 21-30. so I tend to project myself onto others. I can’t help it. 

    Post # 49
    Member
    7581 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2010

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    @galloway111: When I posted in the other thread about an age limit for marriage, I actually didn’t bring up maturity until the question was posed to me.  I think experiences may change what you want at 19 and at 25.  I’m not saying that every 20 year old is an immature mess, I don’t think that is the case. I do however think that as adults we go through some of the biggest transitions between 20 and 25 that mold us into the people we actually become.  

    For instance at 19 I would have dated someone that smoked pot and not thought twice about it. At 30 I would never do that.  At 19 I would date someone who worked as a grocery store cashier, at 30 I would be looking for someone who is at the same career level as me. At 19 (even at 25) I didn’t want children and so marrying someone who didn’t wouldn’t have been a concern, now I’m so happily pregnant and couldn’t imagine a life without a little one of my own. I could carry on with this list forever. People make huge changes during this time. Once you are of a certain age, you don’t change as much. That’s just science.

    Post # 50
    Member
    2583 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

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    @mwitter80: I do agree with you, I know I will change over the next few years, and I do still have maturing to do. Your examples are interesting to me though. I refuse to date a cigarette smoker and even less someone who smokes pot- for a while I didn’t even want to date someone who drinks. Fiance does drink a bit but he’s 23, not 18 so I think that makes a difference to me also. I would never date someone that wasn’t on some sort of career path- Fiance is an EMT, currently in school to be a paramedic. I’ve always been that way too, although the other relationships were in HS so I didn’t expect them to have their life planned out or anything. I’ve always wanted kids and I still do now, though I’m realistic and I know it’s several years off for me. None of my values in marriage or in relationships has changed much at all since I started dating when I was 14.

    So while I recognize changes occur, and I’m sure I’ll change some too, I guess I can’t imagine that any of my values will change any time soon since they never have, which is the main reason I feel it’s unfair to group all under-25s together. And since this is my third serious relationship and I’ve been with him for 3 years, we’ve already done a lot of growing together, and I think that growing together is okay too.

    Post # 51
    Member
    2065 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

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    @janie-janie: Thank you for pointing this out. I see people all the time say that they live on their own, pay bills, etc, and so that means they are more mature for their age. I was doing that at 18 too, but looking back, holy crap I was still so immature compared to where I am today. I constantly see or hear: “I’m so much more mature than other people my age” or “I’ve got an old soul” or “People think I’m older than I am because of how I act.” It’s funny, I said all those exact same things when I was 20, 21. And sure I was mature for my age and was fiercely independent, but I still did a lot of changing between then and now.

    ETA: Not to say there aren’t those true old souls out there. :p I’m sure there are tons of couples that married young that will totally prove me wrong…but they don’t call it judgement for nothing!

    Post # 52
    Member
    7581 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2010

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    @galloway111: You may be one of the few that is perfectly ready for this. My examples were mine alone and looking back when you’re 30 there will be things that you would tolerate in your early 20’s that you will no longer tolerate.  Neither you or I will know what either of us will be like in 10 years. 

    I dated my high school sweetheart for 4 years. I then had 2 year relationship. Those early long term relationships didn’t prepare me for marriage. Then I married my partner and we were together for 7 years. What I wanted when I got married at 20 in a partner was not the same thing that I wanted when I fell out of love and chose divorce at 27. 

     

    Post # 53
    Member
    2583 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

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    @mwitter80: I suppose only time will tell, and we’ll see in 10 years if I still think I was ready ๐Ÿ˜‰ I’m sure I’ll change, but I guess I do feel like my two HS relationships taught me exacty what I want in marriage and I’ve found it. I guess I just don’t like being lumped into a group in which I know people who are my age and getting married, and are still cheating on their fiance and getting trashed all the time and are working a cashier job and not going to school. So I prefer not to think of it as an age thing simply because I don’t want people to associate me with that picture, and I know that’s what a lot of people (not you necessarily, but many) picture when they think “college age student.”

    Post # 54
    Member
    2559 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

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    @galloway111:

    Argh weddingbee ate my post ๐Ÿ™ Just basically wanted to say that I stand with you onthe values thing. I can see if you determine every 22-yr-old is dating a screwoff druggie cashier with no goals, then yep, don’t marry him (at any age!). But I have never, since I started dating at 13, considered dating anyone who indulged in illegal drugs including pot, who partied hard often (blackout puking drunk, etc), who wasn’t as career focused and goal oriented as I, and who was not open to having a family when we are finished with our PhDs. I also think my previous relationships (and 4 years of long distance relying on fantastic communication skills with DH, then SO) truly prepared me for my marriage. In short, I agree with everything you just said :). Ironically, my mother was married at 19 but wasn’t divorced until she was 40 and found out my straight-edged non-drinking successful businessman father was sleeping around on her. She’s now dating long term a man who loves his beer, an occasional bit of pot, has a successful AC business, and is totally different from my father. People change their values at all ages ๐Ÿ™‚ I just hope and actively work towards changing WITH my husband.

    Post # 55
    Member
    3373 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    When I was 20 I thought I was 100% ready for marriage and maybe I was. Now that I’m 26, I look back and think I was dumb and stupid.

    We all just have a tendency to think younger people aren’t as smart, but I think at a certain age we all have the same amount of maturity.

    Post # 56
    Member
    3373 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I also still look like I’m 15 and it’s hard getting along in life because no one takes me seriously! I feel very old and mature and I’m pretty high up in my office. And then someone comes along and asks me where I go to school or who I’m interning for.

    Post # 57
    Member
    1289 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I don’t think I judge age as much as intellect, both cognitive and emotional.  I think we judge age with the assumption that the young tend to be less emotionally intelligent than the old.  When someone is overreative or lacking empathy, I usually assume it relates to the emotional intelligence as opposed to their age.   

    Post # 58
    Member
    2191 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

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    @Jeannine @ Small Chic: <


    AGREED

     

    ETA: I am an Ageist. I’m not ashamed of it. I do think that it’s possible younger adults can make the right choices, My grandparents married at 19 and 20 and were married 52 years until she passed 6months ago, I know it’s possible.

    But, from my OWN personal experiences I do think that waiting until mid to late 20’s works best. Had I done that I wouldn’t have been divorced at 22 and in an abusive relationship by 24. If I had just stopped and thought and waited….but we learn from everything in the end. 

    Post # 59
    Member
    1932 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2008

    This thread is really intriguing, I liked reading everyone’s comments on it, especially considering we have about 20 years age-range represented!

    I do have a funny story:

    My husband and I recently connected with this great group of young couples, all of us have been married for 5 years or less. At a bonfire party a few weeks ago, some of the ladies and me were talking about what we did for our 21st birthdays, some of the ladies were saying, “Oh man, I can’t even remember, that was so long ago!” And then reminiscing on what they were like as 21-year-olds. Of course it was mostly negatvie, “I try to forget those years”, “Oh gosh I was so immature, I hated who I was then!” and the like, I was just kinda nodding and muttering “Mmmhmm” as they shared their stories, acting like I agree and understand haha.

    So about an hour later, we’re talking about pregnancy (three of us are pregnant) and our ages come up, and I admitted to the ladies (most of whom are 25-27) that I am 22 and they freaked out! It was so funny. They had no idea I was so young, and for the few months I’ve known them, they all thought I was 25! They said I was nothing like they were at 21, an they couldn’t believe where I was in life for my age, yada yada.

    So it is kind of funny to see. People who don’t know me, assume I’m in my mid-twenties because I’m married, pregnant etc. I’m not sure on the bee – though I know I’ve mentioned my age in a few posts, I’m not sure what most bees may have assumed my age was. Though I will say I know I have had a few posts here and there that may have come off as really immature the way I said things – oops!

    I made a comment to a friend the other day on how I feel so young to be a mom, “I have yet to meet another 22 year old mom that I could connect with!” And by 22 year old mom I could connect with, I meant someone in the same stage in life, married/committed, ready to start a family, etc. And she made a good point, “You wouldn’t want to be friends with another 22 year old mom!” Because most 22 year olds are not in the same place in life. And that’s okay ๐Ÿ™‚

    I attribute a lot of it to my upbringing. My parents expected a lot from us when it came to maturity and responsibility, and we defintiely surrounded ourselves with friends who thought like that. I didn’t start dating until I was 18 and I did it with the sole intent of getting married, I feel like that really changed my POV.

    Post # 60
    Member
    801 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I can be the most immature person at times. 

    I can be the wisest at others.

    It’s situational! 

    –> I found this thread very interesting to read! and yes, I’m an ageist.

    The topic ‘I’m an ageist……..I find that I do judge certain situations based on age :(’ is closed to new replies.

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