(Closed) I'm angry and mortified. I would like women's perspective on this.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

How long had you been dating at the time? Was it clear that you were exclusive?

Post # 4
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@CityGuy:  So did she date thsi guy BEFORE you were exclusive? If that’s the case, I understand you feeling uncomfortable because you learned about a past relationship of hers in this way, but if she didn’t cheat on you, I don’t think you have a right to be angry enough to end the relationship. If she was with this guy after you began an exclusive relationship, then yes, I would have issues with that. People change, and I don’t think some of your buddies past ideas of her are necessarily correct. People grow up. Maybe take the engagement slowly, since you haven’t been together very long, but I don’t see why this should be a huge issue. Just my 2 cents.

Post # 5
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yikes, I’m so sorry. What a terrible position to be in and an unfortunately small world. 

Ok, so I think you have every right to be upset, but before you go nuts, talk to her. It WAS just after you started dating, and while that doesn’t make it right, perhaps it took her longer to fall for you than you did for her. Give her a chance to discuss and explain herself before you end it. 

Again, really sorry this happened but it’s best to find out, get it in the open, and either begin to get over it or determine that you shouldn’t be together before you get married. Best wishes. 

Post # 6
Member
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

So let me get this straight… You introduced her to a guy she had already had sex with and she didn’t say anything to you about it???  That alone is kind of strange, considering she now knows he’s your friend.  She should have talked to you about it after she “met” him.  Do you think she’s embarassed?  I know I would be embarassed, but I’d tell my Fiance about it. 

If she got with him when you were exclusive, then she cheated.

Post # 7
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee

If you were exclusive at the time, and she KNEW you were exclusive, I’d leave.

If she didn’t know you were serious and it was the very beginning of the relationship, I’d say let it go.

 

Post # 8
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Were you exclusive??

Post # 9
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Wow… I am so sorry that happened to you. I’ll give you the same advice I would give to a female going through this. Leave her. She cheated on you. She should have told you when it happened and let you make the choice if you wanted to move past it and continue the relationship but she didn’t and that’s not fair. I find it really alarming that she just sat there and lied to your face and your friend had to be the one to tell you.  I would get him to send you the pic… Dont show it to her yet… just ask her about it, give her one chance to come clean (if you still want to try repair the relationship) and if she lies show her the pic and be done with her. 

Post # 10
Member
10572 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

From the day we met, Sally presented herself to me as a demure, responsible woman – and I bought it. The facts fly in the face of that picture that she so cleverly painted.   


That attitude is incredibly sexist. I get it that you are mad, but leave that out of any conversations you have, it’s not going to help anything.

Were you two exclusive at the time?  If so, then she betrayed your trust.  If not, maybe it still isn’t right for the two of you to get married (or maybe it is and you two will work things out), but Sally can’t be blamed for it.

Post # 11
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Had to agree to be exclusive when they hooked up? Before Fiance, I learned the hard way that until you have that conversation, you can’t assume it. Had you two said you were BF/GF?

 

Post # 12
Member
4520 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@AB Bride:  I was just about to make this same point. Thanks for making it for me. 

 

Post # 13
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@love108:  +1

People (can) change a lot during a relationship, so it’s possible that when you two first started dating, she was a different person, but has since changed after becoming more serious. Give her a chance, talk to her about it. And try to really listen! Sometimes, when we’re angry, we only hear what we want to hear, which can make things worse. Take deep breaths, and give her a chance to open up. Good luck! And let us know how it turns out!

Post # 15
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If you had not agreed together to be exclusive at the time she hooked up with the other guy, then you really have nothing to be angry about. And I do believe it has to be an agreement, not a “we’ve been around each other all the time for weeks so that makes us exclusive” kind of thing.

Having had a bit of a checkered past myself, i do not point out every man I’ve dated when I am out and about with my Fi. And while I probably would at least acknowledge that I already knew your friend if I’d been in Sally’s position, it’s understandable that she might not want to do that, since she might not know what that fellow might say.

As for the nonsense about her “presenting herself as a demure, responsible woman,” well, I will let that slide since you are probably still angry. Everyone has a past and if Sally has been happy in the role of demure, responsible woman for the last however many months, and you’ve been happy with her in that role, then the past should not matter.

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