Post # 1
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
So, because of my parents’ divorce and the hardship it caused my family, I am totally anti-divorce except for cases involving abuse or repeated adultery. I think modern society has basically thrown out the importance of marriage by making divorce so easy to get, and it really sickens me to be honest.
I was talking with my mom and long-term boyfriend (we’re basically pre-engaged) and I said that I was against divorce in almost all cases. My mom said, “But what about me? I’m happier after getting divorced” and my boyfriend agreed with her. I tried to explain to them that even then, I think my parents would have been able to make it work and even if it was hard, they gave up too easily. My boyfriend continued to agree with my mom and said divorce was the right choice for her.
Just today, he said that his grandmother would have been better off if she had left his grandfather. This just makes me extremely uncomfortable. Granted, he may have been right about both scenarios (my parents had a horrible marriage, as did his grandparents). But I’m a little more old-fashioned. I think you make a vow and you keep it. it really bothers me that he doesn’t feel the same way, although he claims he does, he just thinks “in those cases” divorce was a better option.
Does his attitude seem flippant to you? His parents are married and I feel like he’s never had to witness divorce first-hand, so he doesn’t see how terrible it can be for the kids and family. I asked him if he would just divorce me if he “lost interest” or was angry with me and he said no of course not- but his attitude is really troubling to me!
Thoughts? Are you all anti-divorce as well? I feel like if you arne’t anti-divorce, there’s nothing stopping you from leaving a spouse because he/she gets sick, gets fat, loses a job, etc. He doesn’t get why this bothers me but to me, his attitude screams, “I’ll divorce you someday.”
Post # 3
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
I used to be very pro divorce. My mom was in an awful marriage and I just always went back to her situation. I awlways thought that if I were unhappy, I would leave. My husband was pretty uncomfortable with me saying that while we were dating and engaged but he just ignored it. We ended up growing a lot in our faith and I have completely changed my mind. Divorce is not an option for us, ever.
I wouldn’t worry about it. He has seen bad marriages and thinks that divorce is a great option. I think that’s totally normal. You don’t see divorce as an option so it really isn’t something you should worry about. As long as you both work hard at making your relationship work then there shouldn’t be a problem. Just because he says ‘I want a divorce’, doesn’t mean you have to get one. People work through that kind of thing all the time.
Post # 4
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
I’m from a divorced family and I’m anti-divorce. I know what it did to me and I don’t want the same for my girls. When I can sit there and say “I have given my all and tried everything I could.” Then maybe but I don’t think people should just up and get a divorce.
Post # 5
Member
984 posts
Busy bee
I think there’s a huge gap between saying ‘this is turning resentful and there’s no love left’ and saying ‘you’re too fat, so we’re over’. I think you can think of divorce as acceptable but only in circumstances when nobody’s happy or willing to put in the effort, which sadly does sometimes happen. I don’t think many people will actually divorce for the reasosn you state (and if they do, they shouldn’t have married in the first place), lol!
Post # 6
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
Well, I’m sorry to say, I actually kinda agree with him. Although maybe the differences are in the effect that it had on you growing up, and I think if I had experienced that too, I might feel differently. But look at it this way- If divorce is accessible, acceptable, and easy, then you have to choose freely each day to stay with your partner. You do it because you want to, not because you don’t have a choice. I think that’s pretty powerful, since I’ll always know my fiance is with me because he wants to be. I don’t think it has to undermine things for you and your boyfriend if he feels that way, since it doesn’t at all mean he would want to actually divorce you!
Post # 7
Member
4529 posts
Honey bee
I’m not pro-divorce, but I *am* pro “do what works best for you at that time in your life.”
My dad was anti-divorce and my alcoholic mother left him when I was 1. That would have been a pretty crappy environment for all of us had he convinced her to stay.
He then remarried to a woman who loved to belittle me as well as smack me around quite a bit. He stayed married to her until the day he died.
His “anti-divorce” stance was stupid and damaging to me on both counts.
Say my husband was thinking about cheating on me. I’d rather him divorce me and let me move on than dragging me through all of his screwed up emotions and counseling trying to ‘save the marriage.’ Fuck that.
Post # 8
Member
857 posts
Busy bee
FI and I are both divorced and we both feel it was for the best. My ex husband was physically abusive so that ends ANY argument anyone would have about that. There was nothing to “work out”. Marrying him was a mistake but that doesn’t mean I should pay with my life (or for the rest of my life).
My parents should have divorced long before my mother actually filed (I was already 18). Between my father’s substance abuse and physical abuse (to my brother and I), I think we all would have been better off had my mother pulled the plug long ago.
Post # 9
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
@ZebraPrintMe: lol true. well, i know a lot of very shallow men. Did you see that George Lucas just dumped his wife of many years for someone more than 20 years younger? I’m terrified that my boyfriend will turn into that. Then again, he didn’t direct Star Wars. lol
Post # 10
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
@CARA1978: Oh wow. I hope all is well now! In cases of abuse, I’m definitely fine with divorce. I just hate the idea of ending a marriage over “lack of interest” or “differences”. To me that’s an excuse.
Post # 11
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
@anon00: I am very much more anti-divorce than most of society – basically I completely share your opinion of it. It is a huge enough thing in my beliefs that if my boy felt differently about it (he doesn’t), I wouldn’t marry him, because that is a pretty significant thing to have different views on if you’re enterting marriage together. Maybe talk to him more about it, and find out what he finds to be adequate reasons for divorce. For me, “growing apart,” “just needing to change direction in life,” “not having that spark,” etc., are not viable reasons to me, that often are for others. Abuse and cheating are generally the only reasons I can think of for divorce.
Unhappiness in a marriage is for me something you work through, even if it takes years, because though my parents never have split, I have seen how it affected friends who’s parents did divorce, and also how nice it has been having parents together. If that is something your boyfriend does not agree with, that could be really problematic for your marriage.
Post # 12
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
@badabing88: Fair point. And sorry about your childhood! I guess for me I just felt like my parents’ divorce was for a stupid reason. To this day, neither one of them can come up with a reason that matches the other person’s explanation, which makes me think they never had a good reason.
Post # 13
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
I’m anti-divorce. I agree that in extreme cases, such as adultery, that it’s okay but otherwise NO WAY! What is the point of making those vows if you don’t really mean them? I don’t think that I would be able to make that kind of committment with someone who didn’t feel the same way.
Post # 14
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
@daynalenore: That’s a good point 🙂
Post # 15
Member
2516 posts
Sugar bee
my parents are divorced and i’m not fucked up because of it. DH and i went into our marriage with the agreement that divorce is not an option for us. i don’t think it’s our place to judge other people’s relationships. none of us know what goes on behind closed doors and it’s none of our business why a couple gets divorced. it’s fine to be anti-divorce for yourself but you can’t put that on other people’s relationships.
Post # 16
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
I don’t that many people who get married thinking they’ll “just get divorced” if things don’t work out. I divorced my first husband after 9 years of marriage for many reasons, of which I will not go into on a public forum. My mom and dad were unhappily married for a very long time (24 years) and I absolutely would not put myself or my child through that same miserable scenario. As it was, the last 7 years of my marriage were pretty crappy and there was not going to be any way that I would wake up at age 45 and realize I wasted my youth on someone who wasn’t even “checked in.” Seven long years of loneliness. I do not regret my decision.
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