(Closed) I’m at a loss–situation with best friend (long)

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
10 posts
  • Wedding: May 2012

@mrsmdphd:You are absolutely not wrong. A good friend will tell another friend how you feel. However, at some point you just have to let people make their own decisions. You mentioned how smart and independent she is, but maybe she really isn’t at the end of the day considering her bad decisions. The bottom line is you don’t enjoy being around her when she’s with him and you certainly don’t like being around him, so you have to distance yourself from her. If she is as smart as you say she is (which I hope she is) she will eventually realize that she has lost a great friend in you. You did right by telling her, now all you can do is sit back and watch her make her own decisions. It’s extremely tough and I feel awful for you, but that’s what being a good friend is all about. If you can’t tell her how you feel then who can?

Post # 4
9028 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Ofcourse she is going to be furious because she doesnt want to hear the truth. No one ever enjoys hearing that they are making the wrong decision. Just leave her to continue with this guy because thats what she wants to do, she has to learn from her own mistakes. You’ve done your best as a friend, the rest is up to her

Post # 5
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

You didn’t do anything wrong.  You voiced your opinion (which, as a true friend is your duty in my opinion), now you have to sit back and watch the trainwreck happen yet again.  Make sure she knows that you’ll be there for her no matter what, so she doesn’t feel that she can’t come to you in case of an emergency. 

Be aware that she’ll likely start complaining about him ad naseum pretty soon, at that point you can tell her that you don’t want to hear about it.  She’s the one who decided to take him back despite no changes whatsoever on his part, so now she has to deal with her own bad decision.   You’ll be there for her if she ever decides to leave, but you refuse to be a participant in their dysfunctional cycle. That’s the only way to protect your own sanity.  I’ve had friends say that to me and I’ve said it myself to people.  It can really be a wake-up call when your best friend tells you they don’t want to hear you whine about your own bad decisions anymore.  She might get all pissy with you, but believe me, the seed will have been planted.

Good luck.  I know how much it sucks watching your friends make horrible life decisions.

Post # 6
45 posts
  • Wedding: May 2012

Pretty much what bells said. I was in the same situation with my last ex, he kept dumping me, I’d realize what a wrong fit we are, then he’d come back and say he’s sorry and blah blah and I’d get back with him. The last time, I finally broke up with him, and then moved across the country (crazy, I know) to make sure that I didn’t get back with him again. He had a way with me, knew what to say to make me doubt myself, and even 2000 miles away I almost went back, but I listened to my friends and never did. Hopefully she sees the light, and hears what you’re saying, and leaves him for good. 

Post # 7
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

You did nothing wrong. You are absoltuely right to be concerned, and as a good friend you offered your perspective based on what she told you about that relationship.

The hard part comes now… she’s not going to want to hear any more from you about her relationship. Unfortunately, all you can do is stand by and be there for her when it all falls apart.

Hugs to you. I’ve been through a very similar situation (best friend in an emotionally abusive relationship that lasted 6 years) and I know how difficult and frustrating it is to watch someome you love get treated like crap and keep going back for more.

Post # 8
1882 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

As you get older friendships change, and you realize that you have to stop getting involved in your friends’ relationships. They are always going to side with the guy, and you just spend so much time trying to help them and give advice and they never end up listening and getting mad at their friends. I have no involvment in who my friends date, and it’s much easier that way.

Post # 9
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Of course you didn’t do anything wrong, you are being a great friend. Ultimately it’s her decision if she stays with him and it’s not a bad idea to support her giving him a 2nd chance, but you have to remind her about the past, which she made you promise to do.

If I were you I’d tell her that you love her and will support whatever decision she makes about her Boyfriend or Best Friend, but you promised her you’d remind her about why she thought they were a bad match. Then I’d honestly sit back and let the relationship run its course and keep my mouth shut. Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like this guy realizes what he did wrong and he doesn’t sound worthy of your friend, but she has to figure that out on her own. She will only distance herself from you if you try to be a voice of reason.

The way I got my sister to break up with her mentally abusive ex Boyfriend or Best Friend was by keeping totally quiet about it. I stopped taking her side when she would call me crying about how awful he was being. Instead I actually took his side a little. I didn’t point out his terrible qualities like when we went out to eat together and he would restrict the amount she was allowed to consume. My sister was 5’2″ at the time and weight 90 lbs soaking wet. I just stayed quiet and waited and eventually she ‘rebelled’ and broke up with him.

Post # 12
1774 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

You’re being a good friend.  She asked you to hold her accountable, which is a tough situation.

Post # 13
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Whether or not she wanted to hear it you said it, so she did hear it. It may not have sunk in yet, but once she starts to have some doubts about it you voice will ring in her ears.

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