- 8 years ago
- Wedding: April 2009
Last year, my best friend started dating a guy that we all thought was the one. They had known each other since high school and just seemed to be really happy together. I found out that before they started dating he had been “hooking up” with a mutual friend of theirs who was still married, and after he and my BFF got together he called up the other girl and let her know that it was over. This bothered my friend, but apparently not enough to call it off. They basically went from 0 to 60 in 4.2 seconds–they were just friends and then all of a sudden they couldn’t spend any time apart. Okay, I get that–new relationships are intense. But she immediately started running all his errands for him, doing all his laundry, cleaning his house, and cooking all his meals at her house. They only had eyes for each other, and he seemed to like the new arrangements.
A lot of us thought it was a little much. Her roommate stopped speaking to her and moved out because she couldn’t handle the amount of time he was spending in their house. I barely saw her all summer because all they did was spend time with his friends and get falling down drunk. My husband and I made an effort to get to know him and invite him out with us and over for dinner, but he was really unpleasant to us when we did. This is mean, but he just strikes me as an overgrown frat boy–he’s nearly 30. He came to our place for my birthday dinner, got very drunk, went into our bathroom to use the toilet, didn’t shut the door (awkward since it’s right next to the room we were in), and missed and peed on the floor. Didn’t clean up, didn’t flush.
The whole time, I tried to do the friend thing and be supportive because my friend (M) seemed really happy. Then, out of the blue, M calls me and says he broke up with her. He told her he didn’t have any feelings for her beyond friendship and he never would. She was devastated. I spent months helping her deal. Slowly, she realized that she didn’t like the person she was while she was with him. She is incredibly smart and independent, and she said she didn’t recognize the person that had been in that relationship. She felt that it had been one-sided–he had a great deal and she didn’t get much in return. Then he unceremoniously dumped her. Then we find out that he’s seeing the married girl again. M said she wasn’t going to regret anything, because she learned a lot about herself and what she wants from a relationship, but that she never wanted to be like that again.
I was so proud of her. She blocked him on facebook, blocked his phone number, blocked his email. She told me that she wanted to be on her own for a while, figure out what she does in relationships that isn’t working. She told me (in no uncertain terms) to hold her accountable and help her not go back to old ways. And then, a few weeks ago, she hears from the married girl. Married girl says that the ex-bf really misses M and wants to make a grand gesture to show he’s sorry and wants her back. (Don’t get me started on how weird it is that this girl is playing matchmaker.) M seemed to be kind of wary, but also excited.
Then, he called her. And based on that phone call, she invited him over. That night. They talked and he told her that she had done a lot of things that bugged him when they were together and that’s why he broke up with her. So apparently, it was her fault. Then two days later he came over again, put together her tv stand, and took her to dinner. Then a few days later he took her to the movies. I asked her about the grand gesture and she said his phone call was the grand gesture. ??? Then today she tells me he’s going to take her shoe shopping, and that’s the grand gesture because he doesn’t want to go but he’s going anyway. I finally said something.
I told her that none of that was a grand gesture. That basically she let him right back in with no problem. I told her that I didn’t understand–she had decided she didn’t want to be with him, that she wasn’t the person she wanted to be when they were together, and yet, here we are, going down that road again. I told her that she’s the most amazing woman I know and that she deserves better, she deserves everything. She was furious with me. Did I do the wrong thing? I know that speaking up against a friend’s SO is dangerous, but I feel like this is what she asked me to do. I know that most of the time, the friend chooses the SO and so you shouldn’t say anything, but I just couldn’t be quiet. I’ve apologized to her profusely, because I don’t want to cause her pain, but I think this is an amazingly bad idea. Am I wrong? I feel awful.