(Closed) I’m BAAAAAAAAAACK! Needing major relationship help!!!!!!

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should I leave him?
    Yes, finances are so crucial. Don't gamble your future on a man who can't change. : (28 votes)
    74 %
    No, stand by him. He loves you and you love him. Support him through this time. : (10 votes)
    26 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2765 posts
    Sugar bee

    Has he taken any action towards turning things around since he moved out?

    Post # 4
    Member
    10218 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2010

    ((HUGS)) you remind me of one of my favorite bees that left a while back ((HUGS))…. I definitely think you can (in the words of M) lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.  does he want to change or does he think that everything he is doing is okay?  if he sees nothing wrong then it may be time to move on, if he thinks there is a problem then you can both work together. it sounds like perhaps he’s giving up on everythng because his finances are making him lose you? 

    eta i didn’t give the parallel for my allegory.  You can show him all of the wonderful things that he’d be gaining and the fact that he would be losing you, but that’s not going to help him if he doesn’t want to be helped.  does he want to be helped.

    Post # 5
    Member
    3252 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I second mrbee’s question

    Post # 6
    Member
    3252 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    oh and I second cb’s question(s)

    Post # 9
    Member
    7082 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2009

    Would he be willing to talk about those issues, either with you or with you and an objective 3rd party?  It seems like there must be some sort of reason that he’s choosing to drift.  Do you have any sense of what that reason might be?

    Post # 10
    Member
    2208 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Uh, I think we may have dated the same guy. He was my best friend, really great to be with. I know what you are saying, we were on the marriage march. But finances are the number one cause of divorce, and you NEED security in a relationship.  This isn’t really a negotiable.

    If I can give you some advice: leave now. Two things will happen: he will change and you will get back together, or he won’t and you will be better off. But being in a comfortable relationship with him will prevent the change. You will get nothing, and he is likely to get worse.

    This isn’t like amorphous change, like paying more regard to my feelings. He needs to make concrete steps to clean his life up to be the person he can be and you deserve. If he can’t do this, it MUST be over.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2765 posts
    Sugar bee

    It sounds really important to you that he figure this all out on his own… I don’t think that he’ll be able to.  If you’re willing to work with him on it, then I think you guys could turn it around together though! He seems willing to work hard, which is huge huge huge.

    Re: passiveness on career/school though… that’s a different issue.  You mentioned he never finished college… what’s his career situation?

    Post # 14
    Member
    2765 posts
    Sugar bee

    Ah ok, so he has a social phobia…

    I actually struggled with social phobia in my twenties.  Have you considered that it might be the root cause of some of his issues?  Social phobia can often make it difficult for people to go to class and also to interview for new jobs.

    Post # 15
    Member
    883 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2009

    This is one of those things that sounds so anti-romance:  To leave someone because they can’t budget?  By that reasoning all shop a holics and hollywood starlets should be single! 

    That being said – marriage isn’t all romance and love and finances are part of the less than romantic side of the backbone. If it were me, I wouldn’t marry someone without this being a completely resolved situation.  I think while the wedding might be beautiful and fun – the marriage would be painful and lonely until it ended in divorce, and thats no way to live. (I am UBER sorry if that came out to harsh – its just my opinion from reading your posts.)

    IF he wants to change and you can be there and supportive, yall could work through the whole thing and live in love for years to come. BUT he has to change for him – not for you or for not wanting to loose you.  Change done for someone else very commonly is temporary and ends reverting back to the initial problematic behavior AND adds resentment towards the person the change was done for. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    3252 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    Sometimes what some men need is a good woman to stand beside them and show them the way and vice versa. I know you want him to find his footing on his own but those gentle nudges from you might be what he needs. While its easy for some of us to be assertive in these areas…it much harder for others but if he sees that you’re willing to work with him and not against him…he may make a turn around for you…for the both of you.

    But trying to work together (what a marriage is all about) is half the battle….give him a little time…he has to crawl before he walks…

    And if not…then it may be time for a change.

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