Post # 1
Let me start off with a bit about myself. I just turned 21, been engaged since I was 19 (almost 20), so a little over a year now, and dated my fiance for a little less than a year before that. We’ve been friends since we were freshmen in high school and now he’s in the military in NC and I’m in college in GA. Things started off fine, then last year when we started talking about marriage we had a bit of different views. I wanted to wait to get engaged until I was a senior and get married after I graduated, he wanted to do that WAY quicker. After a lot of events and talking, I finally gave in and told him he could propose my sophomore year. He was getting ready to be deployed and he wanted to be engaged before he left. We got through the deployment and he came home right around the start of my junior year. Things went downhill fast and only keep getting worse. He’s always been a little, um…controlling, more like micromanaging. Wants to know where I’m at, what I’m doing, who I’m with. It was fine at first, we’re two states away and only see each other maybe once a month or less. More recently I’ve been increadibly busy with school and with work. I hardly have time to talk let alone text all day and it really bothers him. I’ll get out of class or off work and find 10 messages, meant to be cute, but they bug me so so badly. If I’m not answering, its becuase I’m busy and CAN’T answer. Its not cute to blow up my phone and I’ve told him that, it’ll stop for a while and go right back a week later. I recently got offered a job which I couldn’t pass up here at school. I’ll be a police officer for the college, my tuition will be paid for (including grad school), and I’ll be making $36,000 a year plus benefits, The only down side is that instead of graduating in a year and a half, I will have to be contracted to stay here and work for at least 3 years. This means that my fiance and I will not even be living in the same state for at least 3 years, which would have happened regardless with grad school. He already doesn’t like me working and says he can support me, but as stressful as work and school are now, I’d go crazy without it. He keeps pushing to get married right now, shotgun court house wedding, because there is a chance he’s deploying again. I cannot handle that. There is no way I can handle being married and in different states for 4 more years. Its not just the distance though. He gets angry that I can’t talk 24/7. The other day I was in my house for 20 minutes between 8 am and 3:30 am, and that was only to shower really quickly before work (8pm-3am) He got mad that I wouldn’t stop and send him pictures of myself for him. He gets upset that I can’t just drop school and work and take off for a weekend to visit him, when he has volunteered to work on the last two big holidays (thanksgiving and x-mas) and then decided day before new years eve (also our anniversary) that he wasn’t going to come home and I ended up spending it alone. He doesn’t like that I have guy friends that he doesn’t know, and has gone as far as accusing my best friend of potentially trying to assault me. That’s right. My best friend here at school is a guy, he doesn’t like my fiance because he thinks he doesn’t treat me well. Because he doesn’t like my fiance, my fiance think that he has ill intentions and basically said he thinks that my bestie is going to try to rape or hurt me. I can’t handle this anymore. I’ve already been put on antidepressants and anti anxiety medication while we’ve been together. He has good intentions, he really does. He doesn’t want me to work because I get stressed out, he doesn’t like my friends because he doesn’t know them, he wants to get married now because he loves me. But its all so overbearing and miserable. It sounds childish and petty on my part, I’m a pleaser, and taking this job that’s going to keep me here longer was so hard, but it was finally something for me. I really think I’m going to end things this weekend when I go visit but I’m terrified of what he’ll do. I’m not afraid he’ll hurt me, but himself. I couldn’t stand it if he did something to himself, I may not be in love with him anymore, but I do love him. I have no idea how to go about this at all. I’ve only ever broken up with one person and he was just a boyfriend, not someone I told I would marry. I cry over this all the time. I break down, I’ve gotten distant with him even more than work and school makes me. He keeps getting so excited that I’m coming to visit this weekend and all I feel is miserable. I have no one, absolutely no one to talk to about this. I’m begging for advice, please. My heart is breaking over and over but I can’t stand to think about the next four years being made to feel guilty about having a life.
Post # 2
- Wedding: December 2014 - Loft
You sound like an incredibly intelligent, indepented and well rounded young woman. If it feels not right it’s because it is. Don’t ever settle for a man who can’t understand that you want to make something of your self. There is always a need for a partner but that support should be emotional. Do not quit your life to be with someone. I’m sorry but this man is displaying some major redflags. COngrats on your recent job offer. I hope that you accept it.
Post # 3
anytime a man tells you he doesn’t want you to work so he can support you… RUN! you need to think about leaving him and finding yourself. You’re 21. You don’t need to be with someone you’ve described as controlling!
Post # 4
Steel yourself. His emotions and reactions aren’t healthy. This is best for both of you.
Post # 5
I absolutely think it is the right thing to do to break it off. He seems way too controlling. I’m sorry. What you are doing for yourself is good!
Post # 6
It is going to be hard to break it off but the best thing you could do is to break it off the first day you get there so you are not deceiving him over a weekend. And once you break up, don’t look back. Disappear. Don’t check on him and don’t reach out. It will only torture him. I am sorry you have to go through this but congratulations on your goals and achievement!
Post # 7
You are making the right decision. This relationship is destroying you. He may be well intentioned, but that doesn’t change the damage that he’s doing to you.
My best advice is to think as practically as you can right now. When you go there this weekend, after you break it off, what happens? Will you leave immediately? You can’t just stay the rest of the weekend with him after breaking up with him. He will most assuredly try to talk you into giving the relationship another chance. If you give in, you will damage yourself, and even if you don’t, it will be awkward as all hell.
Don’t let him turn the conversation around on you. Don’t get suckered in to justifying your decision to break up. You can give him reasons, but if he starts challenging you on them, DO NOT ENGAGE. You do not need to convince him that you have a right to break it off with him. It’s not a joint decision, it’s YOUR decision.
Have an exit path once you break it off. Afterwards, do not be his shoulder to cry on – it’s not a kindness to him to be that, it will only make it harder for him to get over it.
Post # 8
There’s red flags all over the place. Do you have to break up in person? If so, try to do it in a semi-public area at least. Be safe!
Post # 9
I really think that the relationship is on its last leg. Neither of you want to give very much. I feel like you would have a little more time for a relationship with someone that is not far away. You two have already grown apart. I think that you need to break up with him and continue working on yourself. Maybe you don’t have any time for a relationship, and that is ok. I doubt that he really has time for one either. Keep focusing on your studies and work. Before you know it, you will get where you want to be, and then perhaps you can get back to dating. Good luck, dear!
Post # 10
He’s wanting someone to come home to, someone who makes him the center of her universe, not Nikkie. What you want, who you like to hang out with, what you want to do in your free time – none of that matters to him!
Dont walk. Run away from this man.
Post # 11
You still care for this man, so of course it is hard to end the relationship.
But from what you have posted here, your relationship does not sound healthy. You seem to think things will change for the better in four years, when you are able to spend all your time together. I am worried that your issues will become more intense and his need for your attention will become more extreme.
I would not wait and make the trip to NC to break things off with him. I think you should do it now on the phone. 1. You are letting him get more and more excited over a happy weekend that isn’t going to happen. 2. In my experience, in person break ups tended to have more drama and trama than phone break ups. (The pain for both of you over the end of the relationship, won’t change, but you don’t need to add to it. 3. I don’t know your travel plans, but you probably shouldn’t road trip right after ending an engagement. 4. I know you said you’re not afraid of him hurting you, but you don’t need to prove anything and why take that chance.
You have concerns that he may self harm if you end your engagement. That’s not on you, that’s on him. However, I am sure that you don’t want that to happen. Is there someone he serves with in NC you could contact after you end the engagement? Just say something like , “This is nikkie03. ___ and I just ended our engagement. You might want to give him a call.’ (Bees with more knowledge about the military will have much better suggestions about this than I do.)
Be strong. You can get though this.
Post # 12
I stopped reading halfway through. He’s controlling and emotionally abusive. Get out now when u can.
Post # 13
I would meet him in a cafe or a restaurant and break up with him than. If he is doing this when you are just bf and gf imagine what he will do with you when you guys are married. You are very smart for breaking it off now.
Post # 14
I think, in your heart, you already know what to do. It’s going to be difficult, but breaking it off will be worth it in the end. This isn’t a healthy relationship, and you deserve better!
Post # 15
Long distance relationships are tough and can bring out the worst in people. Sounds to me like his rush to get married is just his way of legally roping himself into your life (the way a girl might get pregnant on purpose) because he’s feeling insecure that you’re going to leave him.
This is actually the opposite of a lot of situations I see with younger people, usually it is the girl who is rushing things along, so good for you, lol! There is nothing wrong with having a life, and there is nothing wrong with being upset that your Girlfriend who is in another state doesn’t have any time to talk to you. I’m sure that is making his insecurities even worse, but he’s not handling it right. Getting married and still being in that situation won’t solve anything.
This is only one side of the story so I don’t know if he’s mean or abusive, and it can be very hard on anyone to be in an LDR with no end approaching, but it sounds to me that if you’re happy with your life and intend to stay another 3 years, and he can’t or won’t come to you… it’s time to move on.