(Closed) I'm begging for advice

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Loft

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nikkie03:  You sound like an incredibly intelligent, indepented and well rounded young woman. If it feels not right it’s because it is. Don’t ever settle for a man who can’t understand that you want to make something of your self. There is always a need for a partner but that support should be emotional. Do not quit your life to be with someone. I’m sorry but this man is displaying some major redflags. COngrats on your recent job offer. I hope that you accept it. 

Post # 3
Member
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

anytime a man tells you he doesn’t want you to work so he can support you… RUN! you need to think about leaving him and finding yourself. You’re 21. You don’t need to be with someone you’ve described as controlling!

Post # 4
Member
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

Steel yourself. His emotions and reactions aren’t healthy. This is best for both of you.

Post # 5
Member
7680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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nikkie03:  I absolutely think it is the right thing to do to break it off.  He seems way too controlling.  I’m sorry.  What you are doing for yourself is good!  

Post # 6
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

It is going to be hard to break it off but the best thing you could do is to break it off the first day you get there so you are not deceiving him over a weekend. And once you break up, don’t look back. Disappear. Don’t check on him and don’t reach out. It will only torture him. I am sorry you have to go through this but congratulations on your goals and achievement! 

Post # 7
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee

  (((hugs)))

You are making the right decision. This relationship is destroying you. He may be well intentioned, but that doesn’t change the damage that he’s doing to you.

My best advice is to think as practically as you can right now. When you go there this weekend, after you break it off, what happens? Will you leave immediately? You can’t just stay the rest of the weekend with him after breaking up with him. He will most assuredly try to talk you into giving the relationship another chance. If you give in, you will damage yourself, and even if you don’t, it will be awkward as all hell.

Don’t let him turn the conversation around on you. Don’t get suckered in to justifying your decision to break up. You can give him reasons, but if he starts challenging you on them, DO NOT ENGAGE. You do not need to convince him that you have a right to break it off with him. It’s not a joint decision, it’s YOUR decision.

Have an exit path once you break it off. Afterwards, do not be his shoulder to cry on – it’s not a kindness to him to be that, it will only make it harder for him to get over it.

Post # 8
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

There’s red flags all over the place. Do you have to break up in person? If so, try to do it in a semi-public area at least. Be safe! 

Post # 9
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I really think that the relationship is on its last leg. Neither of you want to give very much. I feel like you would have a little more time for a relationship with someone that is not far away. You two have already grown apart. I think that you need to break up with him and continue working on yourself. Maybe you don’t have any time for a relationship, and that is ok. I doubt that he really has time for one either. Keep focusing on your studies and work. Before you know it, you will get where you want to be, and then perhaps you can get back to dating. Good luck, dear! 

Post # 10
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun! 

He’s wanting someone to come home to, someone who makes him the center of her universe, not Nikkie. What you want, who you like to hang out with, what you want to do in your free time – none of that matters to him! 

Dont walk. Run away from this man.

Post # 11
Member
533 posts
Busy bee

You still care for this man, so of course it is hard to end the relationship. 

But from what you have posted here, your relationship does not sound healthy.  You seem to think things will change for the better in four years, when you are able to spend all your time together. I am worried that your issues will become more intense and his need for your attention will become more extreme.

I would not wait and make the trip to NC to break things off with him. I think you should do it now on the phone. 1. You are letting him get more and more excited over a happy weekend that isn’t going to happen. 2. In my experience, in person break ups tended to have more drama and trama than phone break ups. (The pain for both of you over the end of the relationship, won’t change, but you don’t need to add to it. 3. I don’t know your travel plans, but you probably shouldn’t  road trip right after ending an engagement. 4. I know you said you’re not afraid of him hurting you, but you don’t need to prove anything and why take that chance.

You have concerns that he may self harm if you end your engagement. That’s not on you, that’s on him. However, I am sure that you don’t want that to happen. Is there someone he serves with in NC you could contact after you end the engagement? Just say something like , “This is nikkie03.  ___ and I just ended our engagement. You might want to give him a call.’ (Bees with more knowledge about the military will have much better suggestions about this than I do.)

Be strong. You can get though this.

 

 

Post # 12
Member
3535 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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nikkie03:  I stopped reading halfway through. He’s controlling and emotionally abusive. Get out now when u can. 

Post # 13
Member
2425 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I would meet him in a cafe or a restaurant and break up with him than. If he is doing this when you are just bf and gf imagine what he will do with you when you guys are married. You are very smart for breaking it off now. 

Post # 14
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think, in your heart, you already know what to do. It’s going to be difficult, but breaking it off will be worth it in the end. This isn’t a healthy relationship, and you deserve better!

Post # 15
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Long distance relationships are tough and can bring out the worst in people. Sounds to me like his rush to get married is just his way of legally roping himself into your life (the way a girl might get pregnant on purpose) because he’s feeling insecure that you’re going to leave him.

This is actually the opposite of a lot of situations I see with younger people, usually it is the girl who is rushing things along, so good for you, lol! There is nothing wrong with having a life, and there is nothing wrong with being upset that your Girlfriend who is in another state doesn’t have any time to talk to you. I’m sure that is making his insecurities even worse, but he’s not handling it right. Getting married and still being in that situation won’t solve anything.

This is only one side of the story so I don’t know if he’s mean or abusive, and it can be very hard on anyone to be in an LDR with no end approaching, but it sounds to me that if you’re happy with your life and intend to stay another 3 years, and he can’t or won’t come to you… it’s time to move on.

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