(Closed) I'm begging for advice

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

i am sorry you are going through this, Bee. You are doing the right thing. Please don’t go see him because if you think he might hurt himself, how do you know he might not hurt you? That must feel awful to know he could hurt himself because this means he has made you feel guilty already. That is not your problem.

Do it over the phone and as PP have said, maybe find someone there to keep an eye on him since you care about him. Don’t tell him how unhappy you have been. Just tell him you two want different things and you aren’t going to change! That’s true. It also spares him criticism so he can keep his pride intact 

And good luck with the next happier chapter of your life.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  littlechickie.
Post # 17
Member
558 posts
Busy bee

A codependent relationship isn’t healthy for either party. You are clearly intelligent, caring, motivated, and hardworking. Not only do you deserve to have a relationship where you can feel free and supported in spreading your wings, but he will also be better off in the long run not being in a relationship where his partner is resentful of him (even if for perfectly valid reasons). It sounds like breaking it off would be doing a kindness for you both. I am not into phone breakups personally – doesn’t seem “real enough” to me. I would do in a quieter area of a public place and have a quick, visible escape route. Keep it firm, neutral as possible, and brief, and have something to go do at a set time soon after both to soothe and distract you and to provide a good reason for needing to leave at a fixed time. And congratulations on your job offer!

Post # 18
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

This line from another bee;

“He’s wanting someone to come home to, someone who makes him the center of her universe”

Is exactley what I would have said. You owe it to yourself to live the life you want. It hurts now, but it will get easier.

Post # 19
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Sorry you’re going through this OP. He honestly sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. 

If you’re seeing him this weekend, is there a way to have a friend/family member join you, or at least watch from afar? Go to a public place like a restaurant or a park (don’t go to his house). You need to take care of yourself and stay safe. 

It’s going to be tough to break away from someone controlling. He’ll do his best to make you stay with him, saying sweet words and promising to change. OP, stay strong and remain no contact with him. You got a bright future ahead of you with a new job! Good luck 🙂

Post # 20
Member
2748 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

He definitely sounds controlling and emotionally abusive and I think your decision to end the relationship is absolutely the right one.  Stay safe.

Post # 21
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
nikkie03:  Ok, I want to of course preface this with the fact that this post is all I know of your situation, so it’s possible I am mistaken.

That being said, a lot of things you mentioned in your post would have me worried. This man sounds like he is at the very least a major control freak and jealous by nature, but I worry he may have more sinister motives. He does not sound healthy, and the fact that he does not want you to work, wants you isolated from friends, and pressured you into an early engagement (and tried to pressure you into an early marriage) make me think of a lot of signals of an abuser. 

I don’t want to scare you, but I had a friend in a similar situation at one time and when she tried to break things off, things escalated to a pretty bad place. I just want you to be safe. Please consider not breaking things off in person if you have any fears or nagging intuitions that frighten you. Trust your instincts. At the very least, I would have someone trust accompany you on the trip or consider meeting in a public place.

You sound like a very kind, intelligent person. I definitely hope that I’m way off base in this comment and overthinking things. Congrats on your new job and on making decisions that are best for you!

Post # 22
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee

I too was in a relationship where we started dating very young and thought I was going to marry him. We dated since freshman year of HS until I was 19. (I’m about to be 24 now) he was so controlling and it was UNHEALTHY. You are so so so smart for knowing it isn’t right. I am currently about to be engaged to a new man (I found the ring box) and I couldn’t be happier with my decision to love on from my ex. I know you will be happy too IF you feel it isn’t right. 

Post # 23
Member
2347 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
nikkie03:  RED FLAG CITY. Get out.

You already know that. If this were a healthy and normal relationship you wouldn’t be asking a bunch of strangers online what to do. You need someone to confirm your feelings. You are correct and you should leave. 

Post # 24
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’ve never had to break up with someone that I love, so I can only imagine how hard this must be for you and can’t give any real advice. I just wanted to share my sympathy and to wish you good luck. Thank goodness you’ve thought this through and are choosing the path that will lead to your own happiness, but, ultimately, also to his happiness (he clearly needs a more dependent female).

Post # 25
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
nikkie03: if he hurts himself THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He’s an adult and makes his own decisions.

#support

Post # 26
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
nikkie03:  run run run. I couldn’t even get through your whole post it sounded like such a miserable thing to set yourself up for. Just, leave him.

Post # 27
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I dated a guy like this in college, and even though we were only 1 hour apart and saw each other frequently, he’d freak if I didn’t text back immediately, or wasnt up for spending hours on the phone every night. He was incredibly jealous, to the point that I lied and told him all my friends were girls because if I mentioned a group of friends and one was a guy, he’d spend hours freaking out about how I must be cheating.

A guy that can’t let you go for a couple hours without a text is way too clingy, and it sounds like he’s trying to use fear of deployment to get you to do what he wants – it worked for getting engaged, and now he’s trying it again to get you to marry him. 

Post # 28
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you need to be on meds to stay in a relationship you shouldn’t be in the relationship. The red flags are flapping in the breeze.

Post # 29
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

You don’t need advice, you know what to do.

Post # 30
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee

Paragraphs, dear girl, paragraphs.  I couldn’t read it at all.

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