(Closed) I'm begging for advice

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
729 posts
Busy bee

I’m thankful you’re leaving.

This, btw, is wrong

He has good intentions, he really does. He doesn’t want me to work because I get stressed out, he doesn’t like my friends because he doesn’t know them, he wants to get married now because he loves me.

1. If he was concerned about work stress, he would find a way to help eliminate stress in your life, not add to it. Or he would help you learn to cope with the stress in healthier ways. It’s fine for him to offer to support you, but if he loved/respected you it would have been on him to support your choices.

2. “He doesn’t like my friends because he doesn’t know them.” No. This is not how healthy people respond to friends they don’t know. When I didn’t know my fiance’s friends I was super excited to hear about them and meet them, because they are important to him. If anything, I liked them before knowing them. Not liking them bc he doesn’t know them is PSYCHOTIC.

3. He wants to get married now because that’s what HE wants and he doesn’t care to respect your feleings or thoughs on the matter. If he loved you and knew you wanted to wait, he’d wait. End of story.

 

Stay strong and be prepared for some intense attempted manipulation on his part.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  Nontra.
Post # 32
Member
2730 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

He scares the hell out of me. No man who truly loves you, would want to hold you back from the things that make you happy (work, school, friendships). He manipulated you into an engagement and is even getting himself involved in ruining another persons life (accusing your friend of being a potential rapist???? that’s sociopathic tendancies right there). He sounds like he has major MAJOR mental health issues but it is NOT your responsibility to coddle him through them. He needs constant attention from you, constant validation of what your doing (him getting mad at you for not sending him a picture of yourself is probably less about wanting to see your face and more about wanting to MAKE SURE you are where you say you are… at home taking a shower).

If you’re afraid he will hurt himself, do what a PP suggested and contact a friend of his but beyond that, you have no guilt in this. Do not stay with a man simply because you’re afraid to break up with him.

DO NOT go there. Please, I’m worried for you. He’s convinced you he has “good intentions” behind his psychotic behaviours but I promise you, he does not. End it over the phone and please, immediately block his number, block him from social media, and make your fellow campus police officers aware that this man is not allowed on the grounds. Show them pictures and make everyone around you aware of the situation.

I know I sound extreme right now but you’d rather be safe than sorry. He sounds very disturbed.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  SoonAsYouCan.
Post # 33
Member
2730 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
Nontra:  THIS.

Post # 34
Member
15060 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Ugh, sounds like my highschool/college Boyfriend or Best Friend.  Had to know where I was, who I was with, who my friend were, ESPECIALLY guys.  Totally jealous and controlling to the point he’d come pick me up for lunch or whenver he had free time just so I couldn’t spend it with my friends at school.  My vote is to just end it and run.  If he’s overbearing and controlling from a few states away, I guarentee it doenst get better when you are in the same place.  Only worse cause then he’s there to control you.  He wanted to get engaged to stake claim to you, he wants to get married to make you his and make it that much harder to end things.

Post # 35
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015 - Old Mill Boathouse

It’ll be hard to let go, especially as it sounds like he might be your first love, but do.  Please do.  You’ve got so much going for you and this sounds so much like the beginning to an even worse ending.  

 

I can understand he might want to get married right away, basically to almost make sure you’re going to be there for him when he comes back, but this is incredibly immature of him, and unfair to you.  You seem like you’ve got the whole world in front of you and he wants to make sure he keeps you right where he can.  You can and will do better.  He may be scared and worried and you’re the one thing he can ‘control’ and that’s not a good thing.  In my opinion you’re better off breaking it off now, and waiting a bit to see.  It’s not like you guys can’t try again if you’re willing down the road when he returns from behing deployed.  It sounds like he needs to grow up a bit, and really, catch up to you.  You’re incredibly mature for your age, you’re just inexperienced, and that’s okay, you’re young, the experience is coming, and you’re going to have a great time. 

Post # 36
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

– meet him in a public place as soon as you get to town. he will be even more upset if you *string him a long* for part of the weekend. you need ot do it immeidately. and in public.

– be firm. come up with some lines you can repeat if you need to because he will try to convince you and will most likely question you relentlessly. when you bring up the micromanaging/controlling,he will probably ask you for examples and then discount or dismiss each and every one of them. when that doesn’t work, he will promise promise promise not to do it again.  just tell him the relationship has been reduced to a source of immense stress and anxiety for you and it’s no longer healthy for you. he’ll promise to change, you’ll respond *it’s gone beyond that now. I need to move on for the sake of my physical and mental health.* he’ll ask for examples of what he’s done, you’ll respond *every minute of every day is an example, because your controlling demands permeate everything. it’s not healthy anymore and I need to move on.* He’ll say *you can’t just not give me examples or at least give me a chance to fix it* and you respond *actually, I can. And I am. It’s over. I’m sorry*. Then he’ll move on to staying in touch or how cruel it would be for you to cut him off completely (you’re my best friend!!) and you respond *No. I’m sorry. The very idea of staying in contact causes me major stress and anxiety. I cannot possibly meet your needs for attention and I know that. I need to move on for my own health.*

You absolutely cannot pull any punches here. If you leave the tiniest of openings, he will drive a truck through it. Everytime you waffle, it will give him false hope. Any contact you respond to, teaches him that he needs to do A, B and then C to get a response from you. Do not train him to harass the living shit out of you to get a response. Make sure he understand that there will be no further contact and then stick to it. No exceptions. Do not respond to any texts, calls or emails, block him on social media, block friends who act as a go-between. If he threatens self-harm, report it to his superior or the authorities where he lives. If he is serious, you are getting him the help he needs because that is not something you are qualified or capable of handling. If he isn’t serious and is using self-harm threats to manipulate you, he learns pretty damn quick that it isn’t going to get the desired result and will instead, boomerang the grief right back to him where it belongs.

It may seem cruel to you because women are taught from day 1 to *be nice* and *don’t hurt people’s feelings* and all that other garbage, even at the expense of our own saftey, health and well-being. In fact, you are not being *mean*.  You are being strong, straight-forward and honest. Nothing more, nothing less.

Post # 37
Member
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Hun you need to run!!!!!!!! He’s too controlling and it will only get worse if yall get married. You seem like a smart and independent woman who has a bright future. I would hate to see someone put a hold on that because the other person wants be manipulative or have insecurity issues. Any man who wants a woman to stop her dreams for him is definitely a red flag. He is supposed to be encouraging you to follow your dreams and finish school. 

Post # 38
Member
6412 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
nikkie03:  Please don’t stay with this guy.  He sounds very controlling and unhealthy for you.  You need someone who’s supportive and understanding.  you have so much to offer.  Please dont’ settle down with this guy. My husband cherishes me and the time we spend together and doesn’t get mad if I can’t talk or spend time with him because of work.  Your SO does the opposite.  he seems to treat you poorly and is too controlling.

Post # 39
Member
2968 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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nikkie03:  I’m sorry you are going through this, but I think you have a good head on your shoulders and know what is best for you- and that is to take this 3 year position- have your tuition paid AND make a pretty decent living simultaneously. Making a future for yourself is way more important than being available 24/7 for someone that is needy, jealous and insecure.

I think you care about him, and it’s been easy with you being away from eachother and keeping busy on other things… I also think that maybe this isn’t a healthy relationship for you to be in and you are kind of making excuses for him when deep down you know his behavior is troubling and not normal. He is basically pushing you into things that you aren’t ready for and is trying to push you into giving up all of the things you worked hard for so he can account for your every move.

This is not the way a healthy relationship works. He is not supportive, he is not trusting, and he is controlling you. I would take a break from this relationship and get my life in order if I were you. What happens if you break up down the road and he has convinced you to leave your job, and you have a ton of student loans and no friends like he wants for you? Then what? If you are thinking he is going to change when you marry him, then you will be in for a rude awakening when it is 10x worse.

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  MissJulianna.
Post # 42
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’m going to give your fiance the benefit of the doubt that the LDR is just putting a strain on both of you and neither of you would behave the way you would if you were in the same room. (From personal experience, LDR has brought such weird insecurities and behaviors out of me and I’m so thankful that my Fiance stuck with me.)

That being said, to be engaged, you guys needed to have a plan. When you got engaged you should have had at least a tentative wedding date in mind. Three more years of distance and not-being-married is doable (definitely not the best or smartest choice, but doable) but you need to know when it’s ending. If you want to carry this relationship forward, you need a serious heart-to-heart about prioritizing. I’m halfway through a graduate program that is preventing me from being married to my man. I kick myself all the time for picking grad school over him. I tried to have my cake and eat it too. Everyone tells us that we have to be independent and prove ourselves. That we need careers and accomplishments and “life experience” under our belts. But getting married is, honestly, way more important than that. I keep thinking I might have been much happier and content with myself as “just” his wife.

Why did you get engaged? Was it just the feelings and the excitement and the intimacy? Or is it because he’s the best and sweetest man you’ve ever known and you want him to be the father of your children?

Good luck!

Post # 43
Member
11369 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
heputaringonit:  

This, completely.

Post # 44
Member
3308 posts
Sugar bee

If you’re not happy definitely leave. It doesn’t sound like this man wants to marry you, he wants to OWN you and control everything you do.

You are still young, and there is so much better out there, don’t let him stand over you for the rest of your life.

Post # 45
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015 - Old Mill Boathouse

I would also suggest finishing your relationship over the phone. I had intended on finishing my relationship in person with an ex and my mother convinced me to do it over the phone. Not only because it was a 2 hour drive but she also knows that I would probably not gone through with it if I had done it face to face as I would have ben convinced otherwise. There is nothing wrong with breaking up over the phone for the record!

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