(Closed) I'm cheating on my husband I want an open marriage

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Get a divorce. Lying makes you just as bad as him.

 

ETA: The marriage isn’t about your kids, or how he feels anymore. You need to do something to protect yourself. Leave and start a new life. I’m assuming your kids are adults and if they are, they should be able to handle themselves. If not, well then. something got lost in the translation didn’t it?

Post # 5
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

Leave your husband. You are not doing your kids a favor by staying…

 

Post # 6
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

Is it possible to separate for a short time and think this through? Distance can make him realize what he is about to loose and maybe he starts treating you better? 

If things do not change, I think you should ask for a divorce, I have never gone through one but as a daughter I think I prefer my mum telling truth, I be devasted of course but I believe that finding out she has been having an affair will have the same effect on me. Are your kids old enough to tell them the truth and explain to them this situation?

Post # 7
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Why would you bring this to a site of engaged and newlyweds that won’t get your situation to your own admission out of curiousity?

Aside from that I do understand.   My choice would be to leave but you are not me.  

There is nothing wrong with open marriages but the thing about open marriages are they are OPEN… as in “out in the open”… like to everyone…. including your husband. 

You want to cheat not have an open marriage.   If you wanted an open marriage you’d sit him down and tell him “look,  lets stay married for show and the kids but I’m going to have sex with other men and you sleep with other women as long as it’s discrete”.

Post # 8
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Abusive relationships DO CHANGE you.  You lose yourself in them, to the point where you truly cannot think straight / rationally.  I know I was in one for 25 years.

I too thought hanging on was the right thing to do… for the kids (Things will improve once they are off to college etc). 

In the end that was a BAD Decision, BECAUSE the kids don’t respect me for making that choice… they ended up siding with their father… it wasn’t until he got sick (and eventually died) that they truly saw HOW DIFFICULT he could be.  They didn’t have a picnic with him either.

As someone who has been there… done that, trust me when I say…

If he is emmotionally abusive (critical – putdowns – cursing etc), he can just as well be other types of abusive too… financial, sexually, and yes physically if he gets into a situation in his mind that merits that (I’d be really really worried about that considering you are playing around on the side… I wouldn’t want to test that theory if he was to find out the truth !!)

Having affairs or an Open Marriage, isn’t going to make you happy in the long run… these are “diversions” from the life you are currently “tangled up” in.

So do yourself a favour… leave him now (but do so once you make “A Plan”… you should contact an Woman’s Shelter / Abuse Centre to speak with a counsellor to get info on what this entails to protect yourself)

It took me years to get the courage to go… and I was devastated after I left (both by him emmotionally & financially), so I can tell you it wasn’t easy.

Took me literally YEARS to recover and get back on my feet again… and to find the person within me who was not COLD & HARD… but warm and kind, the person I was BEFORE I married him.

I found that person, because I did a lot of counselling, and took the time to explore WHO I was, and WHAT I wanted out of life

In the end, I am now happier than I’ve been in 30 Years… I’ve met a great guy, and we are planning to marry later this year.  I am looking forward to the rest of my life, not dreading it.

I wish I had had the courage to leave my Ex sooner… I might have been happier younger and had more years to enjoy overall.

 

Post # 9
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@This Time Round:  Been in an abuseive relationship also. I changed from a happpy effervesent 19 year old, to a depressed, self hating, miserable individual. Luckily, a friend of mine caught my ex in the act of physically attacking me and beat the ever living hell out of him.

Actually, come to think of it, I renue the protective order this year.

 

Post # 10
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would also suggest some time apart from each other. Have you told him how you truly feel about all this? I think discuss thigns with him before you can declare you want an open marriage because he might not be down for that so divorce might be your only option.

Post # 11
Member
3174 posts
Sugar bee

You need to leave him

Post # 12
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

What do you want and what makes you happy? If you stay with your  husband and presumably continue to be unhappy ,do you believe this affects how you interact with your children? Think about your children.  Your husband and his family are not going to change, have you noticed if the negativity and verbal abuse have affected them? You deserve to live a non-abusive life and its probably best you end your marriage.  It’s not the best advice but it sounds like you have been unhappy for a long time.  If you want to stay in the marriage for your children have you considered asking your husband if he wants to attend counseling? 

Post # 13
Member
2577 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Divorce.

Living a lie is worse than divorce.

Post # 14
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I cannot purport to tell you want to do, but I want to give you kuddos for standing up for yourself. I think that is the first step in finding your happiness.

Post # 15
Member
7992 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Get a divorce. If you stay under these conditions, you will just be torturing your husband. Maybe he deserves it, but then… what’s the point? There’s no point in hurting people just for the sake of it. Leave. It’s more honest. Your marriage is over. It’s also much better for your kids if you are honest with them…. what sort of message are you sending to them right now? You can’t hide this from them forever… best to just call it quits.

Post # 16
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Why even bother with an open marriage? It sounds like you are over it and done. Honestly, kids know when their parents don’t love each other and parents that fight all the time/don’t love each other/treat each other badly is just as bad as not having them both around all the time.

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