(Closed) I'm coming out…

posted 5 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 17
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

All my family and friends have been aware for years that I wasn’t going to be having children. The real challange was “coming out” to my future mother in law. My Fiance doesn’t want children, and she knew that, but was hoping that the right girl would change his mind. Nope!

Post # 18
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee

I think honesty is always the solution. People will always pressure anything different from the norm to conform to societal expectations.  If you said NO KIDS frequent enough, it will sink in to their minds.  

Post # 19
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee

I was 21 when I had a surgical sterilization. I’m 31 years old now. My estranged mother was the only one in my family and friends who was surprised when they found out. She said ‘how could you do that to yourself? She was a devout Christian.

My grandma is my best friend. She had 5 kids but she’s the one I called during the pre-surgey psych consult to back me up (had to jump through that hoop to allay my doctor’s fears.) 

I will go to my grave not telling my future Mother-In-Law the truth. We’re blaming the no kids thing on my Fiance. It’s better for everyone. 

Post # 20
Member
3008 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

devi514:  Wellll, not wanting kids and wanting to adopt are very, very different. When you adopt you don’t have to experience pregnancy, and you don’t pass on your own genes, but you adopted kids are absolutely your OWN kids, and you would obviously have to deal with all the stress of parenthood. I think not reproducing is a very valid choice that I completely respect. It just sounds like maybe you need to clarify how you feel about becoming a parent, regardless of how that occurs.

Post # 21
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

its not so much the “normal” as it is natural. That’s it. Its natural to be a parent. It comes with being human.

that said, so does stress, anger, jealousy, etc. Things I dont want in my life.

dont ever have kids if you aren’t 100% on board. And never apologize for doing what’s best for your future non children. If you don’t want kids, you will be doing a great service to your non existent kids by not having them… If that makes sense.

just of course always take the necessary steps to avoid so you dont have to terminate.

Post # 22
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee

I have had the no kid fever for as long as I can remember and lucky me I met a guy who doesn’t want kids either. My family has always kind of known I don’t see myself with kids but FI’s mother asked us once we got engaged if we were planning on having a family. We told her kind of jokingly that the only grandkids she was getting was the dogs. He is booked in for a vasectomy next month and we are both looking forward to not having the what ifs anymore.

Post # 23
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I was nervous when I sat my mother down to tell her we had decided children weren’t for us and had deliberated over how to say it. She immediately said “well I never thought you would anyway love”. How she thought this when I had just decided it I have no idea, maybe they really do know us better than we think but I was very relieved!

Doesn’t stop others from dismissing me when the subject comes up though and saying oh you’ll change your mind. So patronising and frustrating, pretty sure no one says that to people who do want kids. Gah!

Post # 24
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

devi514:  Honestly, the only person you really need to talk to is your significant other (if there is one). It’s not really anybody else’s business. Certainly you can tell people if you want, but don’t feel like you have to bring it up and have this big conversation. 

Post # 25
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

First, the hypothetical future contents of your uterus is no one’s business except yours and your partner’s. Everyone else should keep their nose out.

Second, do what you feel is right for you. Parents who moan and groan about needing to be grandparents are being selfish and dramatic.

Third, I think it’s sad if people have kids they don’t want. I don’t mean that to sound cold or judgmental, but simply, if you don’t want them, you shouldn’t be forced to have them. Kids deserve parents who really, really want them. Adults deserve the freedom to live their lives the way they want. No one should be stuck having kids because it’s the societal expectation.

Post # 27
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I hate that decisions like these have to be explained away as “coming out.” I mean that in NO offense to you, but more so the general public. How you choose to use (or not use) your uterus, is up to you. Period. Obviously, having a SO that’s on board with that decision is important.

I actually didn’t have to “come out” to my mom. At one point, during a lunch together, she looked at me and said “if you don’t want kids, you don’t want kids. You’re the one that has to raise them. I would love to have a biological grandchild, but i’m happy with what i’ve been given. That’s your decision and I support you.” I was flabergasted. Between her and my sister…I thought it was going to be hell to explain my position about not ever wanting children. Not to mention, I hadn’t actually told her I didn’t want to have children. I think she just got to the point where she assumed. She’s aware now, and has been very supportive. I think sometimes you’d be surprised at the reactions of those that know and love you.

However, you did mention that you might be open to the possibility of adoption. Biological or not, that’s a grandchild, and if that’s a route you choose to take, they should be as happy and welcoming as they would had you actually given birth.

You aren’t a weirdo. I’m sure you’re aware of that, I just want to reiterate it. Those with children can’t possibly imagine their life without their child. When you try to explain, as someone that hasn’t had a child, the reasons why you don’t want them, they won’t understand. I should rephrase, most won’t understand. I’ve had differing opinions amongst friends. Some understand, and know it’s our choice and drop it. Some can’t possibly imagine not having children and are curious and open to your opinion. Others can’t possibly imagine it, and refuse to entertain any other thought process but having kids. The last one is quite unfortunate, as i’m sure you like many others don’t judge them from wanting/having kids.

The most important part of the decision not to have children is to make sure, truly make sure, that’s what you want and that’s what will make you (and your SO if it pertains) happy. If it is, and if it does…be proud you’ve made such a decision. It’s a HUGE decision to make.

Best of luck!

 

Post # 28
Member
594 posts
Busy bee

steen425:  This is my mother-in-law, too! My husband has always known he doesn’t want kids, and she was hoping “the right girl” would talk him out of it. Before he met me, she asked, “What if you meet the perfect woman, and she wants kids?” He answered, “I’ll pull out”! Much to her chagrin, I dislike children even more than he does!

I find nothing about pregnancy or parenting appealing. Pregnancy sounds like the 9th level of hell to me (frankly, I’m vain), and parenting sounds like nothing but drudgery to me. Honestly, I see no upsides to having kids. I’m awkward and uncomfortable around them. I’ve never held a baby in my life – if someone tries to make me, I say, “I’d rather not” until they leave me alone. I never played “mommy” as a little girl; when someone gave me a baby doll, I’d bury it in the back of the closet. I wanted to grow up to be Indiana Jones! I first verbalized my intention of never reproducing when I was about 12. By high school, I was researching sterilization. Naturally, everyone said, “You’ll change your mind”, and I even got some of the mother-in-law special “You’ll meet the right person and want to have their babies”. My response was always, “If they’re the right person for me, there’s no way in hell they’ll want me to go through that.” Strangely enough, people gave me far less bullshit when I came out as bisexual than when I came out as childfree. When my husband and I tell my mother-in-law, she only answers, “Oh, you’ve got plenty of time to think about it”. We’ve both been thinking about it for years, though, and we independently came to the same conclusion long before we met: no. kids. ever. I can’t wait until I get sterrilized so people will finally stop spouting off platitudes about how all women are born to be mothers. It got even worse after we got married – “When are you having kids?” The “when” is so irritating, as if it’s a given that once two people get married, they’re itching to pop out some kids. We’re cat parents, and that’s all we’ll ever be.

Sorry for the rant, just wanted you to know that I feel your pain!

Post # 29
Member
9095 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

r/childfree on Reddit would love you.

Post # 30
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I absolutely don’t want them. I cherish my time, peace, money, freedom, and sleep. Some might say it’s selfish, but I think bringing a child into the world because someone else wants you to is selfish (on their part). 

It’s as dramatic as you make it. My new standard answer is either “we’ll see” and let them draw their own conclusions OR “it’s not for me.” These are closed statements that don’t open the door for discussion.

I always say, I’d rather not have them and regret it than to have them and regret it.

 

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