- 6 years ago
So.. I don’t even know why I’m writing this post. I guess I just want to vent and cry and scream and just give up. I’m so tired of searching for a job. I’m trying to average 8 applications a day but my sources are drying up..
I wrote this post back in September and yet I’m still whining.
Fiance was promoted! He now makes a tiny bit more than he did and is officially a full time employee.
Spur of the moment, he got an apartment. We. He. I don’t know.
Technically right now it is his apartment. I didn’t feel comfortable putting my name on the lease because there was the possibility of me not keeping my job. It IS seasonal…
Anyway, it happened so fast because of the great deal. He is only paying around $600 a month (Normally about $700+) for a very nice place in a fantastic neighborhood. Not to mention, one of my best friends lives there. So we have awesome neighbors! She helped us find the place too. When she does something like this, she spends HOURS of research finding the absolute best deal. So I knew that we didn’t even have to DO any research to know that this place is incredible.
We now have a really nice little one bedroom. He’s finally out of his (super judgmental) parents’ house. And we finally have a place to be alone together! Sort of. We rarely get to see each other since he works at a bank in the morning until 4:30 and I work retail from 3 – late at night.
As I mentioned, I don’t live there for a few reasons. The not as important one is how dramatic his parents are acting about us moving in together before marriage. I kind of whined about it here. I know I know.. I’m a complainer.
His father claimed that if we move in together, he will feel as if he failed his son.
… really? FAILED him? He went to college, got a degree, got a great entry level job, then later got a promotion, has been in a steady relationship for nearly 8 years, still a virgin, budgeted enough to buy a new car, pays for his own health insurance….. and yet his father failed him? Is it bad that all I can think to say is, “Oh grow up.”
The main reason is simply that I couldn’t afford to move out. I mean.. I buy the groceries and pay for the internet but that’s about it. If I moved out of my house I would lose my health insurance, car insurance, dental, etc. And we can’t afford to pay that. My dad is ex-military so I’m going to lose all of this in May regardless.
I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m still searching, but it feels hopeless. If we have a civil ceremony and I get added to his insurance, the rate doesn’t double, it quadruples. What the hell?
Anyway.. if it came down to that.. Well.. we’d probably be homeless.
I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling so useless. Why can’t I just find a job with benefits? What am I going to DO? I’m 22 years old and I work in retail with what feels like no hope of getting out of it.
Sometimes I have good days. With a mindset of, “Ain’t no shame in workin’! At least my employment history will show that I’ll do whatever it takes and that I’m not picky.”
And then other days I can’t help but feel worthless. College was a waste of time and money. I should have done _____. (Fill in the blank! Engineering, teaching, legal stuff, med school, etc)
I keep asking myself “What am I going to do?” On the rare occasion I bring this up, people suggest things that I’ve usually already tried.
I’ve actually lost a friendship over this, which is why I’m so hesitant to talk to my friends anymore. That’s why it seems like all I do on the Bee is complain. I talked to my friend, she gave me a list of options, to which I kept responding, “Tried that. Tried that. Tried that. :(” Finally she got frustrated, said that I am trying to make her my therapist and that all I ever do is bring people down. Now my entire circle of friends from that area (the art department of my old school) just doesn’t talk to me anymore. Most of them just blocked me on facebook. Overdramatic much? Just because I complained?
It feels like for every one positive thing that happens, 3-4 negative things happen.
I’m.. I’m scared. Some nights I’m just so scared I cry in bed.