Post # 1
I am not really sure what I’m hoping to achieve trough this post, I guess maybe I am just looking for some support. My fiance and I are getting married in 23 days and it just feels like everything is falling apart. After we got engaged we started panning a big wedding, proceedings were going well and deposits were paid. Sadly my futire Mother-In-Law is a narcisist on whole new level. At first she refused to accept that we’re engaged, she then refused to even come to the wedding and was trying to convince my fiance’s family to not come either. Once she found out that my fiance was planning on inviting some of her clients (he works for his parents, and wanted to invite clients he had relationships with) she jumped on board. However her jumping on board was sadly a bad thing. She started taking control over the wedding, making demands, changing our guests list and honestly just being very emotionally abusive. She even went as far as saying I can’t invite any of my family or friends because SHE doesn’t have relationships with them. To cut a long story short, we decided to try and get out of the mess we were in and cancelled our wedding. We settled for a much smaller destination wedding with only immediate family and very close friends. We were hoping by taking the lelemen of a fancy do where clients need to be impressed out of it she will calm down. However because she was now on board with the wedding this didn’t really help. She started doing all sort of things, for example secretly having invitations made for guest that weren’t on our guest list (and neither my fiance or I even know the people) and then only telling us they’re coming AFTER they’ve RSCP’d. She cancelled the baker who was supposed to bake the cake and found a baker that will make the cake she wants since she didn’t like what we selected. The venue has a reception area and a bar area, she insisted the reception should be in the bar area. I put my foot down on this since the bar area could only seat half of our guest list and having a reception in a bar simply isn’t how I envisioned my wedding day… I’ve already sacrificed the big fairy tail wedding… I She went to the florist we are using, cancelled the flowers I ordered (lillies and roses) and changed it too flowers she wants. I had corsages made for the special women at the wedding such as my mom, my gran and of course my fiance’s mom. She shouted at me when I told her saying ‘those things are ugly and old fashioned! I refuse to wear it! stop wasting your money on stupid s***t!’ when I explained it was menat to be a special gift for special people she just gor angry and told me she will throw it away before she wears it. We decided my fiance should look different to his groomsmen so that he can stand out as the groom amongst all the other men. She then threw away the outfit I spent a fortune on for my fiance and bought him something completely new, accusing me of ‘buying her son cheap, bad quality and ugly clothes he would never be caught dead in’. She also then went and bought his dad the EXACT same outfit, and we really wanted him to look different to all the other men. She also completely took charge of the table decor, which I agreed to on the condition that she then pays for it having the logic of ‘if you want it your way, then you pay for it’. However last night she invited us for dinner to ‘discuss final plans’. She took the seating chart, table layout, menu, wedding da timeline and everything else I worked hard on and completely changed everything. She then turned around and said the parents of the groom sohuln’t be paying for anything towards a wedding, and that after the wedding she will expect full payment and some more back. She then went on to tell us how we’re stupid for getting married and she’s not happy about putting money into a wedding she doesn’t even aprove of. She also invited my maid of honour to a lunch and asked her to convince me to cancel the wedding and leave her son because ‘he’s worth more than me, and I’m not worth the 5 star lifestyle that comes with being in her family’. When my maid of honour didn’t oblige she even sat my parents down and gave them the same speech. I am at a loss of words. My dream wedding was ruined, and instead of being excited for my wedding day I am dreading it. All I am doing is crying and praying for the day to finally be behind us…. I don’t know what to do. And sadly every time my fiance tried to defend me or stant up to her she simply threatens him with his job. Please help! I don’t know what to do!
Post # 2
I’m sorry. I only got half way through because every sentence I just kept asking the same question…
Why does she know all this stuff?
Is she paying for the wedding? If she isn’t, then why does she know who your florist is? Or what you selected for a cake? Or even your wedding date and venue far enough in advance to make changes and invite people?
Oh…wait…I scrolled back to skim.
Sometimes we bring heartache on ourselves. For future reference, stop accepting her money and stop telling her things. Much of this could have been avoided if you had done that the first time she got out of hand and set boundaries. There is zero reason for anyone except you and your fiance to know in advance what cake you selected or who you invited or what your decor looks like. Why does she even have access to throw out your fiance’s wedding outfit? Why are you allowing her this much access into your lives?!?
Learn how to use the word no. She can’t meddle in what she doesn’t know. You are the gatekeepers to your information.
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
It’s not going to help you now, but this is why you password protect everything with vendors. Your fiancé needs a new job, stat.
Post # 4
This is completely insane. There is much advice that can be given on what you should have done and indeed what your fiance should have done because this was avoidable if you were firm said no and didn’t involve and told all your suppliers not to listen to her. All of that is irrelevant now because this is what is happening and you have 23 days so you are screwed on changing anything. The only thing left to change is your attitude to it.
Your dream wedding is gone – that’s that. However this will probably be a beautiful wedding – she sounds like she can put on a good do despite being potentially clinically insane. And at the end of it you will be married to the man you love. I think at this point you need to develop a sense of humour about this lunatic woman and an ‘oh what is she up to now’ attitude and simply look forwards to marrying your soon to be husband. She clearly doesn’t want him to marry you but, you are so that’s that. It’s happening and that is the biggest fuck you you can deliver.
You need to find a way to enjoy this day. She may have done all the detail and changed this that and the other but those are not the things that are important. I am not trying to play it down as what she has done is beyond awful. BUT. These are not the things that matter, they just aren’t. Your marriage is what matters so focus on that. Shrug her off, laugh at her ridiculousness shallow attitude and enjoy taking her son away from her, because I very much suggest that is what you do.
Good luck xx
Post # 5
It’s too late for this, but echoing PPs–stop the flow of information. If she didn’t know what your cake looked like or who the baker was she couldn’t change it. Learn to give vague responses or to say that you want it to be a surprise. Contact your vendors now and make certain they know who they contracted with and who is paying them–and that nobody else may make changes to your selections. Talk to your florist and change the order back to what you want.
As long as she can yank your FI’s job out from under him she will continue to have a great deal of power. Finding a different job seems key to you and your FH having a life of your own. If you don’t want this woman rearranging your cabinets or the furniture in your home while you’re at work you are going to have to learn to set boundaries.
Post # 6
What is your fiance’s reaction to all of this?
Post # 7
He tries to speak to her, but she just gives him the same treatment
Post # 8
He needs to do a lot more than speak to her, imo. These things go best when blood talks to blood, and he needs to make it 100% clear that you’re his priority now. If she continues to push you away, he’s going to go with you. As long as she thinks she can get away with this and maintain a key role in his life, she’s going to be doing so.
Post # 9
I don’t understand why you let her? Why do the vendors let her? You take everything she changed and cancel them yourself and insist that you are the client and they have no right to change plans according to any random person. It feels off that you seem to allow it all.
This is the time to stand up against her. There are no relations to be ruined here, she’s never going to be nice anyways.
Post # 10
I would have canceled the wedding a long time ago. Forget about the mother in law, I wouldn’t want to get married to someone who has no backbone and can’t stand up to his mommy. This is only going to get worse after the wedding. Maybe she’ll cancel your down payment on a house because she doesn’t like it. Maybe she’ll change your future daycare situation because she found a better deal elsewhere. Maybe you’ll accept a job offer in another city and she’ll make sure that doesn’t happen. Nope.
Post # 11
Oof. This is probably easier said than done but I would start to cancel the wedding, go to the courthouse with my fiance, and say surprise!
I am sorry if that isn’t helpful but you have to establish your relationship without her involvement. My guess is she would treat any woman your FH decided to marry, so I doubt it’s personal but regardless, you & yoiur fiance need to standup for yourself & your relationship.
Post # 12
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
Stop telling her anything. If she asks, don’t give up any information. You control your own wedding and your own actions. You don’t have to take any of this, and you can tell her (politely) to pound sand.
Post # 13
I agree with PPs. You never should have accepted her money, because leverage is bought. Meaning, you only get leverage over things you give money for in a wedding, and she is an insane bat. She used her leverage to ruin your wedding.
And why on earth did your vendors give her power to, for example, change your flowers? Maybe I missed this, but did SHE book the florist? Why on earth would you guys let someone who is not either one of you book anything? And if she didn’t book it, then you have a really awful florist for letting some random lady walk in and change your flowers.
I know this isn’t helpful, but you should have drawn the line in the sand a loooong time ago. Now, you have no boundaries, and she can continue exploiting you.
If I were you, I would sit down with every single vendor, every INCH of the wedding that she has affected, ASAP, and cancel all the bookings that she created (if any) and put down your own deposits for the same day, if possible. Take control, no matter how much money it costs, and pay her back all the money she contributed to the wedding. Get a clean slate, so she has no monetary say in the wedding WHATSOEVER. Then, tell her, flatly, “You have zero power here – this is on our money, not yours.” And for God’s sakes, tell your vendors that no one can change shit but you – not even your husband, because honestly, your husband seems to snap like a toothpick for his mother.
That reminds me…he needs to grow up and slam his foot on his mother’s face.
Post # 14
I rather think cancelling everything and reverting to plan A may be a challenge with only 23 days to go. And suddenly finding thousands of pounds may conceivably be an issue as well.
I personally think suck it up and learn your lesson. As hard as it might be this was entirely preventable.
Post # 15
I agree with PP’s, money and information is power that she seems to be posessing. However, that’s done so you need to look into the present now.
23 days to go, please don’t cry and dwell on all this. Yeah, super shitty situation, she sounds controlling and a HUGE bitch. But you get to look into your OH’s eyes and say ‘I Do’!
All I can suggest is, roll with the bullshit this woman has weaved as part of her web of control, go to the wedding you didn’t plan and see the people you didn’t invite. BUT, what I’ve seen with a lot of couples going through similar things, is they wait a year or two, have a huge party celebrating their anniversary, get dolled up (white dress!) and get food and drinks for their nearest and dearest and dance the night away. Take pictures and when you look back you can think ‘wow, our wedding was so bizarre and the worst time ever, but our marriage is great and I’m glad we got to properly celebrate later with OUR friends and they could celebrate the years of happy marriage we’ve had.’
No idea if that’s a suggestion you’d consider, but right now the situation sucks and you’ve got to just look for a brighter future!
I had similar with mine, worse and better in some ways, I decided to only get a photographer to take a couple of photos because I didn’t want to remember the strangers that were invited or the things I didn’t want. I’d never redo my wedding (wow, stress and money) but put that energy into having a great marriage where my OH’s family finally backed off and gave up. Now we can slow dance in the kitchen whilst making dinner and it’s just as magical as if it’d been at our wedding.