I'm depressed about my wedding.

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
5049 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m sorry.  I only got half way through because every sentence I just kept asking the same question…

Why does she know all this stuff?

Is she paying for the wedding?  If she isn’t, then why does she know who your florist is?  Or what you selected for a cake?  Or even your wedding date and venue far enough in advance to make changes and invite people? 

Oh…wait…I scrolled back to skim.

Sometimes we bring heartache on ourselves.  For future reference, stop accepting her money and stop telling her things. Much of this could have been avoided if you had done that the first time she got out of hand and set boundaries.  There is zero reason for anyone except you and your fiance to know in advance what cake you selected or who you invited or what your decor looks like.  Why does she even have access to throw out your fiance’s wedding outfit?  Why are you allowing her this much access into your lives?!?  

Learn how to use the word no.  She can’t meddle in what she doesn’t know.  You are the gatekeepers to your information.

Post # 3
Member
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

It’s not going to help you now, but this is why you password protect everything with vendors.  Your fiancé needs a new job, stat.

Post # 4
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

This is completely insane. There is much advice that can be given on what you should have done and indeed what your fiance should have done because this was avoidable if you were firm said no and didn’t involve and told all your suppliers not to listen to her. All of that is irrelevant now because this is what is happening and you have 23 days so you are screwed on changing anything. The only thing left to change is your attitude to it. 

Your dream wedding is gone – that’s that. However this will probably be a beautiful wedding – she sounds like she can put on a good do despite being potentially clinically insane. And at the end of it you will be married to the man you love. I think at this point you need to develop a sense of humour about this lunatic woman and an ‘oh what is she up to now’ attitude and simply look forwards to marrying your soon to be husband. She clearly doesn’t want him to marry you but, you are so that’s that. It’s happening and that is the biggest fuck you you can deliver. 

You need to find a way to enjoy this day. She may have done all the detail and changed this that and the other but those are not the things that are important. I am not trying to play it down as what she has done is beyond awful. BUT. These are not the things that matter, they just aren’t. Your marriage is what matters so focus on that. Shrug her off, laugh at her ridiculousness shallow attitude and enjoy taking her son away from her, because I very much suggest that is what you do. 

Good luck xx

Post # 5
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It’s too late for this, but echoing PPs–stop the flow of information. If she didn’t know what your cake looked like or who the baker was she couldn’t change it. Learn to give vague responses or to say that you want it to be a surprise. Contact your vendors now and make certain they know who they contracted with and who is paying them–and that nobody else may make changes to your selections. Talk to your florist and change the order back to what you want. 

As long as she can yank your FI’s job out from under him she will continue to have a great deal of power. Finding a different job seems key to you and your FH having a life of your own. If you don’t want this woman rearranging your cabinets or the furniture in your home while you’re at work you are going to have to learn to set boundaries. 

Post # 6
Member
1258 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

What is your fiance’s reaction to all of this?

Post # 8
Member
1258 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

He needs to do a lot more than speak to her, imo.  These things go best when blood talks to blood, and he needs to make it 100% clear that you’re his priority now.  If she continues to push you away, he’s going to go with you.  As long as she thinks she can get away with this and maintain a key role in his life, she’s going to be doing so.

Post # 9
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t understand why you let her? Why do the vendors let her? You take everything she changed and cancel them yourself and insist that you are the client and they have no right to change plans according to any random person. It feels off that you seem to allow it all.

This is the time to stand up against her. There are no relations to be ruined here, she’s never going to be nice anyways. 

Post # 10
Member
712 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would have canceled the wedding a long time ago. Forget about the mother in law, I wouldn’t want to get married to someone who has no backbone and can’t stand up to his mommy. This is only going to get worse after the wedding. Maybe she’ll cancel your down payment on a house because she doesn’t like it. Maybe she’ll change your future daycare situation because she found a better deal elsewhere. Maybe you’ll accept a job offer in another city and she’ll make sure that doesn’t happen. Nope. 

Post # 11
Member
1446 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

Oof. This is probably easier said than done but I would start to cancel the wedding, go to the courthouse with my fiance, and say surprise! 

 

I am sorry if that isn’t helpful but you have to establish your relationship without her involvement. My guess is she would treat any woman your FH decided to marry, so I doubt it’s personal but regardless, you & yoiur fiance need to standup for yourself & your relationship. 

Post # 12
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Stop telling her anything.  If she asks, don’t give up any information.  You control your own wedding and your own actions.  You don’t have to take any of this, and you can tell her (politely) to pound sand.

Post # 13
Member
1960 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

asdjaksldjkasjdlsjdkjlkajsdlkajlskdj. 

I agree with PPs. You never should have accepted her money, because leverage is bought. Meaning, you only get leverage over things you give money for in a wedding, and she is an insane bat. She used her leverage to ruin your wedding. 

And why on earth did your vendors give her power to, for example, change your flowers? Maybe I missed this, but did SHE book the florist? Why on earth would you guys let someone who is not either one of you book anything? And if she didn’t book it, then you have a really awful florist for letting some random lady walk in and change your flowers. 

I know this isn’t helpful, but you should have drawn the line in the sand a loooong time ago. Now, you have no boundaries, and she can continue exploiting you. 

If I were you, I would sit down with every single vendor, every INCH of the wedding that she has affected, ASAP, and cancel all the bookings that she created (if any) and put down your own deposits for the same day, if possible. Take control, no matter how much money it costs, and pay her back all the money she contributed to the wedding. Get a clean slate, so she has no monetary say in the wedding WHATSOEVER. Then, tell her, flatly, “You have zero power here – this is on our money, not yours.” And for God’s sakes, tell your vendors that no one can change shit but you – not even your husband, because honestly, your husband seems to snap like a toothpick for his mother.

That reminds me…he needs to grow up and slam his foot on his mother’s face. 

Post # 14
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I rather think cancelling everything and reverting to plan A may be a challenge with only 23 days to go. And suddenly finding thousands of pounds may conceivably be an issue as well.

I personally think suck it up and learn your lesson. As hard as it might be this was entirely preventable.  

Post # 15
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with PP’s, money and information is power that she seems to be posessing. However, that’s done so you need to look into the present now.

23 days to go, please don’t cry and dwell on all this. Yeah, super shitty situation, she sounds controlling and a HUGE bitch. But you get to look into your OH’s eyes and say ‘I Do’!

All I can suggest is, roll with the bullshit this woman has weaved as part of her web of control, go to the wedding you didn’t plan and see the people you didn’t invite. BUT, what I’ve seen with a lot of couples going through similar things, is they wait a year or two, have a huge party celebrating their anniversary, get dolled up (white dress!) and get food and drinks for their nearest and dearest and dance the night away. Take pictures and when you look back you can think ‘wow, our wedding was so bizarre and the worst time ever, but our marriage is great and I’m glad we got to properly celebrate later with OUR friends and they could celebrate the years of happy marriage we’ve had.’

No idea if that’s a suggestion you’d consider, but right now the situation sucks and you’ve got to just look for a brighter future!

I had similar with mine, worse and better in some ways, I decided to only get a photographer to take a couple of photos because I didn’t want to remember the strangers that were invited or the things I didn’t want. I’d never redo my wedding (wow, stress and money) but put that energy into having a great marriage where my OH’s family finally backed off and gave up. Now we can slow dance in the kitchen whilst making dinner and it’s just as magical as if it’d been at our wedding.

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