Post # 16
anthea : He tries to speak to her, but she just gives him the same treatment
#1. No bee he doesn’t. He simply caves in to her demands. You have an Fiance problem. The fact that she successfully holds a stupid job over him to keep power….and he caves is all the proof you need. He needs therapy….he should’ve detached years ago however he has been conditioned his entire life to let her have her way because its easier. He simplly doesn’t have the tools to stand up to her. He doesn’t think its that bad or he would’ve done something about it long ago. He needs to be in therapy so that he can see just how unhealthy this dynamic is. Only then will he be able to successfully stand his ground.
#2. For your understanding……You stole her “N” supply and she’s fighting tooth and nail to keep it. Children are the easiest supply of whatever fulfills a narcissists’s emotional needs. They’re easy to mold and manipulate quite early so by adulthood a narcissist can turn their child’s insides to jelly almost at the snap of a finger. They find it extremely hard to say no to the “N” parent. Your job, if you intend to marry is to convince him how unfair this is to you and to your relationship. Personlally, I’d postpone my wedding until this was worked on.
#3. As you’re realizing…..this won’t get better…it gets worse. Do not, I repeat DO NOT bring children into this world with this man bee UNTIL Fiance is able to create healthy boundaries with his mother. Stay on top of the bc girl.
#4. Get thee to DWIL. They’re a little rough but they can offer up some advice. Keep your skin thick with this group okay?
#5. Find all the Narcissist articles that Sassy has been posting here on WB. There’s quite a few of them and you need to show your Fiance so he can get an idea of what he (and you) are actually dealing with.
#6 Never, ever give a known narcissist that much power and info into your relationships.
I’ve got several more of these but I figure you know where I’m going bee. Talk to your Fiance, get on the same page, create boundaries and enforce consequences for boundary violations. Good luck
Post # 17
Wow. Well she’s a treat.
I’m sorry that your wedding has turned into such a nightmare. There are certainly things that could have been handled differently but I understand where you were coming from. My fil has never been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (he won’t see a therapist or do any psych evaluations – his only problems are that his shitty family won’t just do what he tells them to), but every therapist that my husband, sil and mil have ever seen have suggested that is exactly what he has. Over the years my husband and I have learned how to better deal with him, but at first I thought if we just gave him what we wanted he would shut up and go away. It never happens. They want more. As soon as they feel like they have some power to affect your decisions, they will use it however they can. It sounds like that’s what happened with your fmil in this situation. It was certainly a learning experience for you. I’m sorry that it came at the cost of your dream wedding.
I urge you to read all you can about narcissistic personality disorder as well as narcissistic parent-child relationship dynamics. Knowing how a narcissist thinks makes you better equipped to deal with them. When I first started dating my husband, all I knew was that his family was dysfunctional and his dad was a dick. Once I started realizing there were clinical terms to explain what was happening, everything became easier to understand, deal with and speak about.
It worries me that your fiancé works for his parents. He’s never going to be able to fully disengage from his mom if he is her employee. She will hold that over his head at every turn. I would seriously re-think this career path.
Being the in-law of a narcissist is exhausting, upsetting, and sad. I wouldn’t be able to do it if my husband and I weren’t 100% on the same page. He is always willing to listen to me, he is not too proud to seek therapy and help for dealing with the past and current issues caused by his father, and he always makes sure that every decision he makes is with me/him/our relationship as the priority. I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t see that he could do that. My father-in-law will never change, so all we can control is how we deal with him.
Post # 18
As others have stated there is NO reason your vendors should be taking orders or requests from ANYONE but you and your fiancé. Did they not call you, the CUSTOMER, to confirm these changes? I would be livid. Honestly, I would have been done when Mother-In-Law couldn’t understand why my family or friends should be at my own wedding. You should have uninvited her a long time ago. She may be your FIs mother but you will be his wife and he needs to make it very clear to her that you are his number 1 priority and her continuing to behave this way is going to end in him cutting all contact with her.
Anyways there’s 3 weeks left and at this point what’s done is done. I promise you you will not care what flowers the special women in your lives have on their wrists or what kind of cake you’re eating. If you focus on the fact that you’re marrying your best friend the rest is just background.
That said, in the future your fiancé HAS to put his foot down. Maybe start thinking about what your plan would be if she did fire him for standing up to her. You don’t want this woman in control of wether or not you have a roof over your head for the rest of your lives.
Post # 19
All of the things your Future Mother-In-Law has done should have been relationship ending. As in your Fiance should have cut off all contact. You allowed most of this by letting her be involved at all. She shouldn’t know who your Maid/Matron of Honor is to invite her to lunch. Why would your Maid/Matron of Honor go to lunch with your Future Mother-In-Law without you? How awkward and weird is that? Why does your Future Mother-In-Law know who your florist and baker are? Why didn’t you call back the vendors that you’re paying for (and should have signed contracts for) and demanded they not take a stranger’s orders over their clients?
Really my only response to your entire post is why?! I get that a lot of us have struggled with trying to appease others and losing control over some aspects of our weddings and lives because of it, but to this extent? None of this makes any sense.
If you plan on marrying your Fiance, one thing is certain – he needs a new job. As long as your Future Mother-In-Law has this kind of control over you, you’ll never be happy.
Post # 20
Seems too late to cancel the disaster wedding heading your way, but maybe you and your Fiance can salvage the situation with a quiet elopement beforehand- just you two and an officiant. Any one of your friends can become an officiant online. DH and I eloped before we had our huge party as a way to keep the intimacy of the moment just for us and it was the most stress free, beautiful things I ever did. If i were you I’d find a nice place (park, ocean, mountain,etc), wear your dress, and get hitched in the next few weeks before you get hitched as a way to save the moment, assert your independence from that woman, and as a bit of a screw You to her too!
Post # 21
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
I’m not going to kick you when you’re down about accepting her money. Lots of other bees have explained it very eloquently, you know better at this point, and nothing is going to change in 23 days. Your wedding is going to be what it will be. The good news is that afterwards comes the marriage part, and no matter how bad the actual day is, she can’t take that away from you. BUT, you’re going to need to shore up your defenses to protect it.
Now is as good a time as any to practice putting her on an info diet. She doesn’t need any more detail than she already has. “No” is a full sentence. If she melts down, you can leave the scene of her tantrum. Let her scream, cry, and threaten to not come. She’s a big girl, she can do what she wants.
Next, you need to practice SETTING BOUNDARIES. If you don’t want her to run roughshod over you exactly like she has done so far, you and your Fiance need to start now. If that means he needs to find another job, so be it! It might take time, but at the end of the day, people will treat you as you allow them; you don’t have to be complicit in your own debasement.
Here are some good tips:
There are also specialized boards (r/JustNoMIL, DWIL) that have people who have seen it *all* and can offer you tips about what to do next. We’re always here for support. It’s time to learn what you are worth and accept nothing less … good luck, bee!
Post # 22
Dear Bee- what a nightmare! I had to go back and re-read some of the things you shared because they seemed so hard to believe…
Quite frankly, as many others have said, it’s a bit late to gain back control of your own wedding so you have two options here 1) walk down the aisle or 2) walk way from it all now. Perhaps there’s a third option here (if your fiance is brave enough to do it): getting eloped. I’ve read articles of couples that hire an officiant and a photographer and that’s pretty much it. I think that idea sounds cool.
But the biggest issue here goes beyond the wedding, I fear. This is a woman who went as far as to try to pressure your friends and family to try to convince you to breakup with your fiance. Only a truly demented person does that, and this is only the beginning. What else is this woman capable of? Are you willing to having to deal with this person for decades to come? Are you willing to risk having more and more of this drama in your life to be able to stay with your fiance?
Best of luck, bee!
Post # 23
At this point, just suck it up and take it. Marry him and then never take her money or input again. Keep her out of the loop for any baby showers.
Don’t jeopardize his job or permanently piss them off by canceling the wedding again. At the end of the day, it’s just flowers and food and clothes. You can plan a renewal later and leave her out. But for now just focus on the marriage and the groom.
Post # 24
I genuinely do not understand how she was able to do things like cancel the baker you had a contract with or change your order with the florist.
How did she even know the vendors you were using? And why on earth would your vendors let some random person (your future MIL) cancel a contract or make changes? At the very least they should have contacted you to confirn.
Have you tried contacting your baker and florist to confirm that plans are all set for the wedding, and when they say “oh no, your Mother-In-Law cancelled the cake/changed the flowers” insist that they honor the original contract because YOU, the person presumably named in the contract, did not cancel the order or authorize changes?
On a more practical note.. you and your Fiance both have got to stop the info-train and stop sharing details and information with her, she’s only going to treat it as a license to meddle and interfere. Remember that “No” is a complete sentence.
And for the love of god, get yourself toi DWIL nation.
Post # 25
Here’s a suggestion:
1) Call all of your vendors and confirm with them your original contract which includes the things YOU wanted. Any changes she’s made they are to change back. Stress to them they are NOT to make any changes again unless told by you DIRECTLY.
2) See if you can find another place to have the wedding in the same destination as the venue you have now. Even if it’s a smaller place, it won’t matter because of the next step:
3) Tell monster-in-law that the wedding’s canceled so she needs to call her guests and let them know. This will effectively give you a smaller list because she won’t be coming nor will anyone she secretly invited on her own.
4) After the wedding, I’d at the very least put her on extended time out: no contact for a good six months.
5) Fiance finds a new job ASAP.
Post # 26
2. FH gets a new job so she doesn’t control him anymore.
3. Therapy, esp. for FH. He needs to get rid of his hag of a mother. And then recover from her.
As for the wedding, I’d return her money and elope if I really wanted to marry someone who is controlled by a mother like that. He is more a project than a person at this point.
Post # 27
Moral of this story unfortunately for you bee is that you do not accept money from his family ever again and you set boundaries with your husband regarding your in laws.
At this point I would just suck it up with the wedding and try to enjoy the day. Unless you’re ok with canceling and dealing with the (monetary) fallout from your in laws and eloping. Good luck and hope everything works out for you guys
Post # 28
Not going to repeat the good advice other bees covered. What I’m having a hard time believing is that she was able to change all the orders with your vendors, contact your best friend, and your parents trying to “convince them.” I’m close with my family and they don’t even have this much access to anything in my life as it stands. Are you being honest with us and with yourself? Mother-In-Law sounds like a real peach but I find it very hard to believe that she was able to do all those things without you orchestrating some of it. I’ve ordered custom cakes not just for my wedding but for birthdays and nobody can change the order except the buyer or person who places the order. I’ve had this same experience with multiple vendors so I’m really finding this all extremely hard to believe. There must be some details you’re leaving out or you just happen to be the only exception to anything ever. Needless to say, don’t accept money from others because they can always hold it over your head and use it as leverage. Exhibit A.