(Closed) I'm engaged…and unsure…

posted 7 years ago in Proposals
Post # 31
Member
6582 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

A man who has been divorced 3x by 37 has some issues. He is no catch.

Post # 32
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

you should not get married to this person. 

Post # 33
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

From your post, it seems like you’ve realized you don’t want to marry this guy.

So I’ll focus on your other question: How do you end it?

With that many red flags, my honest advice is to protect yourself. Be overcautious. Even if he’s shown no violent tendencies, you’ve only known this guy for a year and I see red flags everywhere.

So arrange a safe place to move, like your parents house. Have someone (like a parent) with you when you tell him. Don’t leave the conversation open to debate or discussion. This is a decision you’ve made, and he has no ability to influence it anymore.

Grab your most important belongings the day you tell him, while you still have someone there with you (ideally, you can load them into a car before you tell him). When you go back for the rest of your things, have someone with you. And don’t try to keep the ring — that’s his.

Good luck!

Post # 34
Member
2561 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
Redsembers:  people say relationships are hard work.

I don’t really like promoting that idea. Yes, they take compromise and communication and patience, but it is not HARD. Things should never be this hard.

I don’t like that people mistake unhappiness for being the “hard work” in relationships. 

Post # 35
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Your gut already knows what you need to do – just be brave and trust that things will be better and it will be worth it – you’re young and you have your whole life ahead of you (and even if you weren’t that young, it would still be the right thing to do)… be brave and bite the bullet – you can do it!!!! *hugs*

Post # 36
Member
773 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 1975

View original reply
Redsembers:  RUN! Run fast. Don’t look back. 

Post # 37
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

If you were to re-read your post as though one of your friends had written it, what would you advise them to do? 

From what I’ve read in your post:

  • He doesn’t show trust in you, even though you haven’t done anything to lose that trust. Considering that you are supposed to be at the beginning of a life-long marriage, that will be a long time to live with always being questioned and him doubting you.
  • You feel that you are doing all of the giving in the relationship, and not receiving.
  • You feel that you are giving up by being engaged and giving up a part of you.
  • You felt pressured into saying yes.
  • From the sound of your post, you don’t want to be engaged.

To me, that doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. Don’t stay in the relationship just because you feel bad for him, or because he was brave to propose or because the ring is beautiful. You are young and have years to explore who you are and what kind of relationship you want. There isn’t any reason to rush to get married.

Post # 38
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

Don’t do it!!! You’re so young.  You have so much to experience without being molded into something that this 37 year old man/child wants.  For starters, he doesn’t even have a real career, whereas you have the rest of your life ahead of you.  The things you are talking about is what you should be experiencing as a young, emerging woman.  You’re only 19, for goodness’ sake.  Your 20’s are when you’re supposed to make mistakes and figure out who you want to be… But you won’t have the freedom of that with a full grown adult male trying to make you into his perfect version of a woman.  And also, please know that the reason he is with someone so young is because he’s not mature enough to deal with someone his own age (please don’t take that to mean you’re not mature, just not 37…)…  I’m screaming here…DON’T DO IT!!!  

Post # 39
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

I  feel like I’m talking to my 19 year old self. In my situation, I was 19 and SHE was in her early 40’s. It didn’t work. Everything felt uneven, like your realtionship does. Don’t get married. Listen to yourself. I wish I had. I had to go through all this bullshit (and I still am) to end it. Good luck.

Post # 40
Member
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

He sounds like a jealous control freak that plays the victim to manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do. I also don’t think that he is financially or emotionally stable or he wouldn’t being chasing after an 18, now 19 year old while in his late 30s. I would bet $ that this is the real reason why he has been divorced 3x, and why you are feeling like his slave.

You have a lot of living to do. Do you really want to settle for some older guy with all this baggage when you are already unsure after only a year together? Think long and hard about wasting any more of your time with this guy.

If I were you, I would try to get some support from my family and friends to help me through what is bound to be a painful time surrounding the end of a relationship, and move on. With time, you will get over it and realize you dodged a bullet. Promise.

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by MissJulianna.

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