Post # 1
I’ve been enagaged for 2.5 years, we were supposed to get married fall 2010 but we called it off really because we were immature. Now everytime I want to reschedule the wedding my fiance makes an excuse (money, work, anxiety, cold feet, family). We have been together for almost 5 years and our relationship hasn’t been perfect, we’ve broken up and obviously called off our engagement but we have stuck together. My fiance is a great guy and for the most part treats me well – he does get angry when I push his buttons and does suffer from mild anxiety. He is very in love with me but I feel like if he loves me he wouldn’t continue to make excuses for not getting married. Just recently we finally set a date, booked the venue but the day after I sent in the deposit his anxiety kicked in, he freaked out and then cancelled on me again…stating he is afraid of committment…I was so hurt and just let him go because this marriage thing isn’t a game. I’m a girl and have been planning my wedding for so long so I was just crushed again. So then he then came back, saying it was the biggest mistake of his life, and he promised to give me the wedding of my dreams but we haven’t re-set the date…Since all of this the relationship has never been quite the same since. I feel like I don’t love or trust him as much. At the same time, he is my best friend and we have been threw so much together.
The immediate problem is that for the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling strongly attracted to a childhood friend of mine…we have grown up together but were never in a position to get together or too much distance between us. I am feeling very attracted to him, and wondering about what my life would be like with him.
Please help. I haven’t cheated. I just don’t know what to do to sort out my feelings. I feel that every bride-to-be should be sure of her choice, and excited to plan a wedding, and right now I am neither of those things. I feel like I don’t want to marry my fiance bc he hs hurt me so much and what if he cancels again. i’m torn and would like some advice. I feel like I can marry my fiance tomorrow and be fine and love him and be committed but in the back of my mind I will be wondering about this other person and what could have happened with us.
Post # 3
Break up before you do anything you feel crosses the line. That’s really all you need to do in order to not be cheating.
Post # 4
I would get out. I wouldn’t tolerate being a yo yo. But that’s just me.
Post # 5
Ok, so let me get this straight… you are angry at him for his commitment issues, but you are the one that is practically emotionally cheating on him?
Neither of you are remotely ready to get married.
Post # 6
DO NOT GET MARRIED!
Your title, basically answers your questions. You have doubts. Only you can figure things out and everyone involved has the right to know, including your fiance.
Post # 7
It sounds like your relationship is very unstable. You deserve to marry someone who wants to marry you! I think you should end it.
Post # 8
@hayeskatz: Its understandable as to why you’re having these feelings towards your friend. However what I’m hearing from you is not how much you love your Fiance but how much you want a wedding. From what I just read I hear you’re not happy.
I would really think about cutting your losses and moving on, he should make you want to get married because of the commitment, not the wedding. Priorities seem a little out of order. Just my 2 cents.
Best of luck and I’ll be looking to see what happens in the future!
Post # 9
I think you need to take another person out of the equation, and decide if you want to be with your Fiance first.
Post # 10
You deserve to be with someone that has no problem committing his life to you! Your fiancé is using anxiety andcommitment fears as a crutch. Hes not afraid of commitment, he’s already committed! This is the Rest of your life you are talking about and you need to make sure you do the best thing for you. This doesn’t necessarily mean you should break up with your fiance this minute, but it does mean you need to do some serious thinking at wether being with this guy forever is going to be what makes you happy. I couldnt put up with the games your fi seems to be playing with you and still feel good about marrying the guy so I really don’t blame you for being confusedwould mentally exploring what things might be like with someone else. And I do not think that thinking through those things means you are mentally cheating. I wish you luck and know that whatever happens in your life will be just what is meant to happen!
Post # 11
I think, like you stated you need time to sort these feelings out! I am not even sure after reading your post twice, whether you are really engaged at this point (if he called it off and told you he “has commitment issues” doesn’t that mean he’s out of the engagement). Regardless, even if you are still engaged, you shouldn’t be.
If you were immature when you were younger and spent so many years together, you’ve grown up together. And since he’s a best friend and has been such a fixture in your life, it’s hard to figure out who you are without him. BUT YOU NEED TO DO THAT. The reason I say that is because it seems as though your needs aren’t being met, and that’s when the heart and mind starts to stray.
Get away from both guys and spend some time figuring out what you really want. Your Fiance has forced you to do that so far for him, it’s time to do it for you. Take control of the relationship and take time to figure out if you even really want to marry HIM or if you’re just wanting to put on the wedidng of your dreams. If he loves you as much as you say he does then he will be waiting if you decide that he’s really Mr. Right.
Best of luck to you, sorry to hear that you’re being so battered emotionally.
Post # 12
I will admit yes I really want I wedding…I have been planning it for years. But I really want to marry my fiance, I love him and am committed. The problem is we’ve been up and down and he’s been indecisive even both of our parents think we aren’t ready and maybe they are right. Its just frustraing he tells me he doesn’t see himself with anyone but me makes these promises to me “we’re going to set a date tomorrow” and then tomorrow comes and then its two weeks later and nothing has changed…I get so excited and then he disappoints me – it just doesn’t seem normal based on all more other friends who have dated, got engaged and married. Again, I love my fiance very much and would elope if necessary. But again my friend whom I have known for years and have liked for years and years is making me wonder “what if”…I get married and wonder about him or us. Its confusing and probably too hard to explain via message boards. I am not in this to hurt anyone or play games. infact I would sacrifice my happiness so as not to break anyones heart.
Post # 13
@hayeskatz: i think that because your fi is not as committed as you would like him to be you are retracting from him and transferring your feelings to someone else. call it an emotional safety-mode. you know deep down that there is some doubt with your fi. i think if you are feeling this way, there is a reason for it. do yourself a favour, break it off with your fi. you deserve to be happy.
Post # 14
I truly do understand where you’re coming from, but just try to remember that the grass is always greener on the other side. Once you get there, you often find that it has just as many weeds as where you came from.
Post # 16
I think you should definitely not be getting married to anyone unless you are both 100% certain that that is what you both want and nobody is wavering or changing their mind. It’s okay to want a wedding, but even if it doesn’t happen next year or even in the next five years, I am sure it will happen eventually and hopefully it will be to someone you are completely committed to and vice versa, and it will be worth the wait because it will be nothing but excitement, certainty and confidence for both of you in your future as husband and wife.
Have you spoken to your fiance about why exactly he has been getting cold feet? There should be no rush to marry if there are doubts. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to break up. You work through your problems if possible and then take the next step when you’re actually both ready.
As for this other person, as a PP said, perhaps your heart is open because you’re not entirely satisfied in your relationship. I’m not sure what to suggest. Depending on your conversations with your fiance, perhaps even a break from both of them will give you some clarity.