(Closed) I\'m engaged, but I don\'t want to be…

posted 4 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016

This is something you need to discuss with him right away. Forget your family and friends, ultimately this is about you too and how it’s going to affect the rest of your lives, not theirs. Don’t wait to do it, the longer you wait, the easier it will be to get swept up in all the wedding planning and spending money. He deserves to know and be with someone who loves him back.

Post # 3
8627 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Tell him ASAP. It’s not fair to him that you said yes when you didn’t mean it, but it’s even more unfair to keep up the charade.

Post # 4
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Redsembers:   I think you should be honest with yourself and your fiance, it will only lead to hurt and misery later.  If I may ask a couple of questions.


1.  Do you thin it is an issue that you need more time?

2.  When you said things seem off, are the things that are off, deal breakers for you?


I have always thought it was cool to be proposed too in front of your entire family, but I could see how that could put you on the spot and you feel compelled to say yes  even if your heart is not in it.


Wishing you the best no matter what you decide.

Post # 5
1848 posts
Buzzing bee

Redsembers:  You need to forget about everyone else and what they might think and just talk to him. Aside from the fact it is making you miserable it is unfair on him. And as TwinkleBoss said, the sooner the better. It might seem like a hard conversation to have but it will be much harder the longer you leave it. 

Post # 6
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Be an adult and call it off.

Post # 7
8576 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Be honest. It almost sounds like you wanted to break it off before the engagement. Don’t string him along if you don’t want him, you’re just putting yourself and him through more pain.

Post # 8
2730 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Unfortunately, it’s probably going to break you guys up. Just make sure that’s what you want, rather than a longer engagement. You can always do 6 months-1 yr of being engaged without planning the wedding, to make sure that’s in fact what you want. Just be sure before you say anything. Don’t rush into your decision. It’s not like you have to set a date & plan a wedding right away.

Post # 9
77 posts
Worker bee

Redsembers:  Agreeing with everyone here – definitely break it off! It’s not even about having a “reason”. If you don’t feel like you want to continue a relationship with someone, even if everything is perfect on paper, it’s time to call it off. And don’t feel bad about saying “yes” in the moment, especially when so many people were there to witness the proposal – that’s a LOT of pressure!

As for HOW to break it off, you just need to have a chat face-to-face and tell him the truth. Tell him that, while he’s a great guy, he’s just not the one for you and you don’t want to enter into a marriage with him. After that, you need to seriously limit your contact with him…he’s going to feel really hurt and might still harbor hope that you’ll come back. It won’t be easy, but this is what you have to do. Good luck.

Post # 10
202 posts
Helper bee

Wow, tough situation to be in.  I think you should call it off and seek individual counseling.  Maybe an understanding third party will help you find the courage to say what you need to say in the best way possible.  You will probably also grief this part of the process even after the fact b/c its going to be tough to explain to him, your family, friends, etc., so a counsel could help.  I almost want to recommend that you tell him you are not ready to wear the ring or be engaged right now (softer way of turning him down after the fact), but if you just don’t think this is right for you then it is better to have the talk with him sooner rather than later b/f word spreads about your engagement.

Post # 11
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Redsembers:  Dont marry someone who is a good guy, but not the right guy for you. It’s hard, but that is part of growing into an adult–doing the hard things that in the long run are the right thing to do. 


Post # 12
2694 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Call it off now before it goes any further, e.g. planning etc. It’s only going to get worse for him and you the longer you leave it

Post # 13
9118 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

It sounds like you want to break up entirely. Give him the ring back and break up with him. Stringing him along or acting like you want to go along with this is cruel.

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Post # 14
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Redsembers:  “I don’t want to get married” or “I don’t want to marry you.” 

Post # 15
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Relax. Take a moment to breathe. You made a mistake saying yes and now you need to rectify it. First, decide if you want to break up completely or just not be engaged/get married. Either way it’s okay. YOU DON’T HAVE TO MARRY THIS GUY JUST BECAUSE HE ASKED AND YOU SAID YES. Sit him down, talk to him and tell him that this isn’t what you want. It’s okay. It doesn’t make you a bad person. I’m sure it will be a difficult conversation but afterwards you’ll feel relieved and grateful you didn’t go through with it. Getting married is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make. If something inside is telling you not to, listen to it. Things will be awkward for awhile but that time will pass. Just try to talk to him sooner rather than later because it will become harder to tell him once you start planning and down payments are put down and everybody knows. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  papillon20.

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