Im engaged but my family thinks I\'m too young to be married.

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
7 posts
Newbee

You can’t make someone (i.e. Your family) be receptive to your engagement and wedding if they just emotionally aren’t feeling it. Their emotions are just as valid as yours are. Try to see it from their point of view, you’re barely out of high school, won’t even be able to drink at your own wedding and marrying a man who hasn’t always been faithful. I’m not saying that there’s anything inherently wrong with any of that, but if you examine the situation objectively it’s easy to see why your family might not be thrilled. You can’t force them to be supportive, be excited or anything like that, they need to come to be supportive (or not) on their own.

Post # 3
Member
531 posts
Busy bee

ovoyles44 :  I don’t agree with the whole asking the dad for the daughter’s hand in marriage. I mean, what’s the point after all if he’s going to say no? Your parents shouldn’t have a veto on your proposal. That’s just silly.

But they do have a right to be distrustful of him since he has cheated on and emotionally hurt their daughter in the past. YOU may have forgiven him, but that doesn’t mean that THEY have to accept him as a son-in-law.

While it would be nice to get your parents’ approval, I don’t think you can do much about that. The more you argue and try to say he’s changed, the more they’ll use your age against you and call you immature for thinking that way.

In the end, you have to own up to your decisions. If you feel ready to marry, then get married. But don’t necessarily expect your parents to approve of him. They are entitled to their opinions of him too.

Post # 5
Member
3686 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

You are aware that military recruiters will tell you anything you want to hear, right?  Of course they’re telling you that you’ll be financially stable.  They don’t want you to know that a lot of military families are on food stamps.

Post # 6
Member
4100 posts
Honey bee

ovoyles44 :  part of growing up is being comfortable with the decisions you make, and not apologizing for them. You can’t force your family to be on board. You can only do what you feel is best for you. They’re either with you, or they’re not. 

Post # 7
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Omaha, NE

Your family is right, you are too young to be married. Sorry not sorry.

Post # 9
Member
3450 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

No, there is nothing you can do or say because they are equally as entitled to their feelings and opinions as you. So if this is what you want to do, I don’t think its wise but its your life, accept that they don’t approve and don’t expect them to change their minds anytime soon. They may warm up to your decision someday but pushing them to get there isn’t going to help.

Post # 10
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

If his bad behavior in your relationship is from when he was 14… you’re too young to get married.

Post # 11
Member
531 posts
Busy bee

ovoyles44 :  I didn’t say you go do what they want you to do. I said that if you just look up to them for their approval, that will give them all the power and give them more reason to think you’re immature.

If you want to get married, you’re an adult and can get married. Parents’ approval is nice but if they don’t give it, then there’s nothing you can do but be an adult and make your own decisions in life.

Post # 12
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Omaha, NE

A more helpful comment: 1. Get married and don’t care about their opinion. 2. Stay married past 25 (1 in 3 chance at your age). 3. They’ll come around. The first 2 probably won’t happen, so you won’t need to worry about the 3rd one.

Also, FWIW I know several people who got married between 18-21 and all of them are divorced.

Post # 13
Member
6495 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I just keep thinking 14 is too young for anyone to be “unfaithful”, but I suppose it isn’t for a lot of people. The issue is that at that age it would have been difficult to hide your feelings or issues from your parents. Adults generally know that sharing (or oversharing) bad things about one’s SO will only create bad feelings about that person among your friends and family. Your friends and family will always take much longer to get over your SO’s bad behaviour because they care about YOU and YOUR feelings. That’s kind of a good thing if you think about it.

I realize this isn’t what you want to hear, but the pre-frontal cortex isn’t fully developed until a person is about 25 or 26. Researchers aren’t entirely sure about how that affects decision making, but the statistics do show that people who get married later tend to have longer lasting marriages than those who marry very young. That doesn’t mean that young marriages are doomed, just that people do a lot of changing from the ages of 18-26. They can easily grow apart if the relationship becomes long-distance (if/when he is deployed). 

I remember feeling the way you do about the person I was dating at 18. But at my age now, I cannot help but see things through your parent’s eyes. I’d be worried, too. Just please, if you’re going to get married anyway, don’t have babies immediately. Take some time for the two of you first.

Post # 14
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

Okay girl, I get that you love this guy and are excited, and I know you dont want to hear that you are too young..but you are. I am a military wife, I live this life every day and let me tell you, if you are believing everything your recruiters say, you are in for a very rude awakening. 

First off, it will be TOUGH financially, for them to sit there and tell you that you will be very comfortable is a lie. Darling Husband has been in for awhile and is a pretty decent rank, I am a nurse making pretty good money, and finances still can be tough. Money is not black and white, a lot of things can happen in life that require a lot of money. 

In addition, they will NOT pay for your beauty school. MyCAA will be a program you can MAYBE get benefits from, but you will have to wait until he is a high enough rank to even qualify. The fact that you haven’t looked into all of these things and you are blindly accepting what a recruiter is telling you just shows that you have a LOT to consider. 

I won’t tell you what to do because at the end of the day you will do whatever you want. I understand the military life and the desire to sometimes rush things with it, but I am completely on your parents side. 

Post # 15
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

What is your family’s concern with you getting married? At 18, you are just *barely* legally able to make this decision for yourself. In the eyes of the law, you are just a tippy toe over the line of being rational. There’s a reason the law (and the military) doesn’t place trust in the decision making skills of people a few months younger than yourself and your fiance. 

Hear your family out. What do they say they’d rather see you do in life than be married? Go to college? Study abroad and explore new places? Make friends and have incredible experiences, perhaps? Maybe they want something greater for their child than keeping house for a man and being a hairdresser? Maybe they see your potential to become a lawyer, fighting for the rights of abused women, or directing action fillms that will make millions?? Maybe there’s more possibilities to life than you’ve been exposed to in your 18 years of life? I think it’s worth giving their thoughts a listen. You have so much time to be free and explore this great world before settling down!

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