Im engaged but my family thinks I\'m too young to be married.

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

You’re too young.

Post # 17
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

Also, please don’t take my post as anything negative or shooting you down, but you’re barely scratching the surface of this lifestyle and this decision. I think you should really slow down, why do you need to be married right away?

Post # 18
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I know you don’t want to hear it, but you are too young. Why don’t you both work on your training and consider engagement once you are both able to provide for yourselves? Why not wait until you are both financially stable and a little older? I also have not had friends who successfully married that young. There are so many stresses with being newly married and also not having much money.

Have you two worked out all the major issues? Finances, kids, religion, etc.? Is this really about wanting to get married now or are you worried you will lose him because he is leaving and joining the military? 

Post # 19
Member
953 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

If he weren’t in the military, would you still be deciding to get married right now? One of my best friends is a military wife and does a lot of work with families, and she sees a TON of couples who get married young because they feel that’s their only choice and then face an extremely difficult relationship, particularly if a deployment is involved. That’s not to say everyone will, but having been involved in her life for so long and seeing everything they’ve gone through, I’d really ask if you are doing this because you would regardless or because you feel you have to right now.

Post # 20
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I can’t offer any advice to make your parents agreeable to this because I don’t think it’ll happen. Both you and your boyfriend will change radically in your 20’s, so I agree with your family. I started dating a guy at 14 and we too talked about marriage. We broke up when I was 21. Thank goodness. Even if you and your boyfriend are meant to be, there’s absolutely no rush. 

Post # 21
Member
5038 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I agree with PP’s who say part of being an adult is being able to own your decisions despite the opinions of others. Your family is entitled to their opinion and the fact they are military may give them more insight to the life you are about to commit to.

Here is my story, maybe there is something you can take away from it.

At 21 I married my ex who was in the Army National Guard.  My home life wasn’t the best and I was eager to start my adult life, while creating a life and family of my own.  Military in itself gives a sense of community and belonging.  I loved the idea of being a part of something so much bigger than myself.  Many young women marry into the military and many young military couples divorce. From my experience, marrying someone in the military was highly emotional and gave me this fleeting sense of urgency to rush my life. I am 33 now and not the person I was when I was 21. At 21 I believe wholeheartedly I was prepared to commit myself to marriage and be a good wife, however I lacked the maturity needed to discern what I needed in a husband and I married a boy who was not committed, who used me for financial gain (military gives additional money for dependents) and was terribly abusive.  I was divorced by the age of 24. I also came from a military family and no one was in support of my first marriage.  With the experience and wisdom I have now, if I could have forewarned my 21 y/o self I would have said, slow down, there is no need to rush your life.  I really took for granted my youth by always feeling the need to rush.  Your 20’s will be a time for great growth and experiences.

Post # 22
Member
19 posts
Newbee

I feel like some people are being unnecessarily harsh and unhelpful in their comments. While I do see it from your parent’s perspective, I disagree that your ‘too young’ and I doubt they are still upset about your Fiance being unfaithful when you were 14 because as a PP suggested – its really hard to imagine fidelity or infidelity in a relationship between two 14 year olds. With that said, I don’t think you should get married yet. Not because of anything to do with your age or relationship with your Fiance but because what PPs have said about the military life being not as ‘cushy’ as the recruiters make it out to be. I think the safest and most responsible move would be to put yourself through beauty school first, get a job and then become an army wife. You just can’t take what they say blindly and you have to look out for yourself. 

Post # 23
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

I have a friend who got married when she was 19. They told their families that they were engaged and they thought they were too young to get married. But they got married few months after in a court house. Both of the families were not aware of it. After 2 days, they announced to their families that they got married and obviously both of the families were upset. They got over it eventually. 1 and half year later, they have a baby together now and prior to that, they are struggling financially. I found out that they haven’t been paying their bills and my friend’s father in law had to pay for their bills and debt. My friend’s father and mother in law are upset with the whole situation. Anyways, I just think that if you are financially stable then you can go ahead and get married. You really can’t change what your parents think. They will eventually get over it. Your Fiance just be better treat you right and not break your heart! Your Fiance and your parents can probably spend some time together and do fun things or something? That way they might gain their trust to your Fiance 🙂

Post # 24
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

I got married at 28 and got a lot of ‘older bride’ comments. Everyone I know that got married at 23 or younger are all divorced, I’m planning my 18th wedding anniversary.

Give yourself some time before you take on the responsibility of being a wife. The responsibility is a huge one and I can’t imagine having taken it on at only 18.

Post # 25
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

1) No, you can’t change your parents’ opinion on this.

2) The recruiters will tell you what you/your fiancé want to hear. Do your own research. Talk to other spouses of military members to get a true perspective. The statements you’ve made sound incredibly naive and flat out incorrect. I was married to a Marine, with him for 10 years in total, so I’m not saying this as someone who hasn’t been a part of that world. I still have a lot of military wife friends.

3) What’s the rush? If you two are going to spend forever together, why does it have to be right now? Why not go to beauty school and start a career and learn who YOU are and what you truly want. I know that you think you know, but a lot changes in your 20’s.

4) Give your parents some credit. No teenager wants to hear this, but your parents have lived a lot more life than you and their perspective is valuable. I get it – I did the same thing. I married the guy my parents didn’t want me to marry. It ended disastrously. Your parents love you and want the best for you. They are not trying to make you miserable, they are worried for you.

Post # 26
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I don’t think I understand the rush to get married for the two of you. My Fiance and I have been together since I was 18 and he was 21, we get married in under a month at the ages of 23 and 25. We are still younger, but I feel like 18 is pretty young to be getting married. But there’s no rush for us. Nothing on the same lines as, “If we don’t do it now there’s no guarantee it can happen next year. Which means it’s now or never.” and I don’t feel like that’s the right reason to be getting married.

Wait until you are both older and have gone through some significant life events. My Fiance and I have faced tremendous challenges (death of family members, counseling due to toxic family members, divorce in the family, mental health issues in the family, financial challenges, etc) and we have both grown incredibly since we started dating. We are NOT the same people that we were at 18 and 21, and I can’t imagine getting married that young. Yes, I met my soulmate at that young of an age, but I waited until I was mature and had more life experiences before getting engaged and married. And I knew I was ready when I didn’t give a damn about anyone else’s opinion because I knew what I wanted.

Also, it doesn’t matter what age he was unfaithful at. Unfaithful to me is an absolute no-go in my books, and age doesn’t matter. I would walk. 

Post # 27
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

When you’re 18 years old you think you know yourself, but I’m sorry to say, you do not.

Not one person over 30 looks back at their 18 year old self and says “wow, I was great back then.”

People change A LOT after age 18, which is why your family has doubts, as they should. I mean, you are barely a legal adult.

I see so much immaturity in this post. I have no advice for you other than to please wait to get married. What difference does it make if you have a long engagement?

Listen to your family, they are the only sensible ones right now.

Post # 28
Member
12229 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Sorry, you aren’t going to get them on board. As far as I’m concerned no responsible parents would be encouraging or supportive of a marriage between two 18 year olds.

Post # 29
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I got married at 18. I met my husband when we were 15 and 17, we were 18 and 20 when we got married. Reactions from our family to our engagement were very mixed. Most of my family feared we were too young. They told me I needed to get a degree and a career, I needed to travel, I needed to “find myself” and just not worry about boys and dating for years and years. But I knew this is what was best for me. ITs what I wanted, it’s what would make me happy, and I decided to live for myself, and not spend my life trying to please them. I never argued with them or tried to justify myself, I knew it was coming from a place Of love and concern. I understood their position. I knew all the statistics. I also knew myself. And I knew this was right. So we did it, we got married and we’re working on 6 and a half years of marriage now. All is well, no divorce on the horizon. Have we both changed? Sure, and things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows of course. My whole entire point I guess, is to be very realistic with yourself. You can’t do anything to change your family’s opinion. It’s time for you to own your choices and stand by them despite your family not being 100% on board. 

Post # 30
Member
3065 posts
Sugar bee

“We are both financially stable.” Not sure that you really understand all that this concept entails. But I can assure you, neither of you is financially stable, unless you are trust fund babies.

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