Post # 1
I can’t do this anymore, I just feel like crawling into a ball and cry my eyes off… all this because of my dad. My own dad!!! I’ve been keeping my head up high and telling my self that things will get better but it just seems like a waste of my time to think like that.I put up this front of being happy so that others won’t know but I can’t hold it in anymore.
I just found out that my grandma (who is in Portugual and is my dad’s mom) is in the hospital and not doing well. Do you want to know how I found out? Through a post that my uncle who lives in Portugal posted on facebook for my godfather who also happens to live in Portugal. Imagine the shock on my face when I saw that post, I was devastated. I spoke to my dad asking him if she was ok, what happened and this is his answer to me:
“You have been so busy that you haven’t cared and now you ask? You don’t care about us, the only family that you have is me (in Toronto) and you don’t even bother to call me or even visit, blah blah blah…. ” I replied to him saying the exact same thing, that he hasn’t called me, he doesn’t ask if I need help with the wedding, or if i’m ok, or even how’s my Fiance, how the business, nothing. I told him straight up why am I the one who has to be always checking up on him, why can’t he do it? To my questions he did not answer and we hang up.
I went to bed last night crying, Fiance poor guy can only do so much and keeps telling me it’s going to be alright and to let time pass, but I just can’t do it anymore. I feel helpless and it sucks and I’m tired of it. I feel ashamed because FI’s parents are still happily married, they are helping us paying for this wedding, they are helping renovating the basement, they are there for us, especially Mother-In-Law, who might is she ever there for me! She is a angel. My parents are divorved, my dad hates my mom, my mom who is 6 hours away from me is sick and I’m the only one who helps her financially (my sister and brother who live near her don’t help her)… I’m falling apart.
So now I’m at the point where I do NOT want him at my wedding, am I bad for feeling that way?
I’m soooo sorry this is long but I just needed to get this out and for those who read all of this and comment thank you
From a sad couawilou 🙁
Post # 3
@couawilou: Ugh. I am so sorry your dad is saying such bullshit. I could imagine my mother giving me the same response in any sort of situation. I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling the way that you do. It may be best if it’s what works for you. I hope your grandmom gets well soon. (hugs)
Post # 4
Sweetie, let me start by saying that misery only likes company. Your dad seems like he has emotional issues and there is already some tension there. let it go. If he choses to be apart of your life then ok but if not thats ok too.
I have been there, and there comes a point where the only thing that matters is whats most important to you. You will not always be able to please veeryone. They will not always like your decisions. Do what makes you happy, your are born into one family, but eventually will make your own.
Trust me, my fiance and I are both divorcedfrom previous marriages, I have two wonderful children and a wonderful Fiance. They are the most important thing to me. I tell my family all of the time, its all about my babies and eric. No one else.
Post # 5
I am so sorry. Best wishes for your grandma.
I think your feelings are justified. Give it a little time when you’re not so acutely upset and think it over. It may be the right decision for you.
Post # 6
@couawilou: I’m so sorry you have a rough family situation! I know how shocking seeing things in a facebook post can be–it’s happened to me. I think if having your dad at the wedding will just stress you out and make you unhappy, then he shouldn’t be there. It sounds like you don’t have a great relationship anyway. I think you need to do what’s best for you and not necessarily follow etiquette. I feel for you!! I hope your Grandma gets better soon.
Post # 7
As hard as it is to not get the support we need from our given families, now is the time, more than ever, to embrace your chosen family. Take comfort in the love and support that your Fiance and his family has for you, and let that surround you. The way I see it, you’ve got two choices with your dad: 1) you overlook his lack of support and you reach out to him in the way that you wish he would to you (who knows, maybe he’ll model good behavior); or 2) cut him out of your life for the moment, and maybe after time passes, you will be able to re-establish your relationship. Either way, you’re going to have to be the “grown-up” and take charge of the situation, since it’s obvious he won’t. Good luck and ((hugs))
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2012 - Franklin Plaza
I am soooo sorry! I don’t have any advice to give you, but your feelings are totally justified. It hurts finding out things over FB like that (I’ve had that happen to me as well) and I would be incredibly upset if my father said that to me. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. I know it’s easier said than done, but try to take some time out for yourself to sort out through all these feelings. I don’t know much about your relationship with your dad, but you need to make the best decision for YOU!
Best wishes for both your grandma and your mom.
Post # 9
I’m so sorry. prayers for your grandma. Let yourself calm down and relax a little before you make any decesions about your dad attending your wedding. I am sorry that you are going through this. (((hugs)))
Post # 10
@couawilou: I feel for you. As @inspiredcreations: says, embrace your chosen family. They are the ones who will give you the strength and comfort.
Similar attitudes go on in my family and I feel it’s all down to bitterness. In the end, they are the losers, but it’s the rest of us who feel guilty and bad – so annoying!
Try to keep smiling and remember how many people are on your side.
I hope your Grandmother is OK.
Post # 11
Your post makes me angry (at your dad, not you, obvs!). How some parents can be so callous and cold to their own kids shocks and saddens me. Yes we all have our own personal baggage and crap, but part of being a parent is that you need to leave that, and immature stupid games at the door, and be there for your kids! Even if you were an awful daughter (which I know you clearly are not), he should at the absolute least keep you involved with what is going on with your grandmother. He’s just being selfish and immature.
I don’t really have advice, because as much as I hate to say it I think that if he’s gone this far in his life being this way, it’s probably not likely he’s going to change.
If you don’t want to invite him, don’t. It’s your and FI’s wedding, and you have every right to want to only be surrounded by people who love and support you. I don’t believe that you should ever be obligated to invite anyone, unless they are paying. Plus who knows, its possible that not being invited may be the wake up call he needs.
I know it hurts, but I think you need to just try to focus on how wonderful FI’s family is. It sounds like they absolutely adore you, and while I totally understand that they aren’t “your” family, it sounds to be like they respect you a lot more than your dad does, even thought hey’ve known you a much shorter time.
Post # 12
@couawilou: oh hunny im so sorry you are having such a hard time! you cant choose your family thats for sure. i so know how this type of frustration feels and i can only imagine it feels even more like a punch in the gut since its nearing your wedding. Try and remember that how he behaves is out of your control and that if you are doing everything you can to try and have a relationship with him than you should rest easy and realize you are not the one who is in the wrong.
My father and i have a strained relationship for a number of reasons. I love him dearly though, he is my father after all. I already know there will be some major issues that come up during my wedding planning. I have to tell myself often that I am doing th e right things that a daughter should do, if he does not think so, and continues to do the things he does, I cannot help that. But I can sleep better at night knowing I did make the effort and that I have continued to love him and try real hard for a relationship with him. Its usually me who gives in and has to call him or whatever too. I have accepted thats just how it is and i deal with it. It hurts sometimes to know how one sided things are but again, thats out of my hands and Im going to continue to do what i think is right even if he doesnt.
as far as your siblings go, you cannot control them either. continue to do what you think is right by your mother. do what is in your means and feel good about that. You are such a sweet and good hearted person and I think you are feeling overwhelmed right now. Try and relax a bit and remind yourself of allt he good you do and let everyone else be who they are going to be, as frustrating as that can be. I do hope things get easier for you. But your Fiance is right, this too shall pass
Post # 13
I wish I had some advice to offer, but all I really have are interent hugs. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. ((hugs))
Post # 14
((Hugs!!)) I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I have a pretty bad relationship with my dad, too, and my heart goes out to you. It’s not bad for you to not want him at your wedding, I may not invite mine either, because I want to be only happy on that day. You don’t deserve to be treated that way. Not everyone is capable of being a loving parent, and I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I hope you can take some comfort and healing in those who really love and care for you and won’t hurt you. It’s funny how dads (some dads) seem to know what to say that cuts like a knife more than anyone else. I don’t understand it and I never will, because I love my child more than life and would rather die than ever hurt him in any way. Just remember – it’s him who is in the wrong about this. He’s the parent, you’re the child, and you haven’t done anything wrong at all. I hope you start feeling better soon, hon.
Post # 15
First of all thank you to all of you who have commented, supported me through this emotional time, you seriously are the best!
I have tears reading all these replies and I feel overwhelmed by the love and support I am getting from you.
I’m sorry to see that so many of you have gone through something similar as well, it saddens me but I’m also thankfull to those who have gone through it and have offered me advice.
I’m going to take a little break from him and family drama (my side) for a while and concentrate on my new family (FI and his family) and concentrate on finishing up my basement. Then when it will be time to get back into the Wedding planning, I will re-visit dad and my family. I think by then I should have a clearer head, I hope :s
Post # 16
(((((couawilou))))) I am sorry I cannot offer any words of wisdom, but I do send you and your grandma my kind thought and a big virtual hug!