Post # 1
I feel like I can’t do anything right! While I know this isn’t true, I just feel blah about myself.
My Fiance has a really important presentation on Monday. It’s very possible that he could be out of his PhD program if it doesn’t go well. I cannot calm him down. He called me, all worked up today. I did my best to calm him down. He did tell me that I was the second person that he called. He called his mom first (slightly hurt by that, but I also know I can be really sensitive to things…plus, there are times when you just need your mom), then me.
We just got off the phone and he was still worked up. He felt like everything he did today was worthless, that he got nowhere, and started talking about everything he has to do tomorrow. I personally feel he is overworking himself, that he’s starting to do more harm than good. Then again, I’ve never done this type of work before, so it is hard for me to completely understand. He said that his parents ordered him a pizza tonight, from our hometown (he is currently a few hours away at grad school).
I just got so upset at myself. Why couldn’t I have thought of that? Why couldn’t I have done something like that? I feel like I should be the one who does these things, not his parents. I’m the fiancee, I should be stepping up to the plate. I feel like it was a competition, and I just lost.
That, and I didn’t do very well with my weight loss plan this week. I didn’t lose, but I didn’t gain. I didn’t follow my diet plan well, I had some slip-ups. I just am so mad at myself for not sticking to this plan better!
Post # 3
@keepsmiling19: sounds like you are crazy stressing! And with the mom thing, it sounds like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder with her. It doesn’t sound like any kind of competition, but is there something going on you didn’t post? Sometimes there is more background than the op gives and its hard to judge the situation. Does he say things that make it sound like “Why didn’t you do this?”
with the pizza-dont sweat that you didn’t think of it, just be glad someone made him feel a little better!
Maybe the next time he calls freaking just listen, tell him you love him and know he will be great no matter the outcome.
Post # 4
I’m sending you a virtual hug right now! Don’t feel like a failure and don’t beat yourself up. I don’t think there was a competition, and look at it from a different perspective: you and his parents don’t need to compete to try to make him feel better, from the sounds of it, you and his mom were his supports and the people he wanted to talk to. It doesn’t matter who sent the pizza, as long as it helped your fiance.
And as far as the weight loss plan, the week is over. Tomorrow (or Monday depending on how you see the week starting!) is a new week! Not to be totally cheesy, but keep smiling like your name says! 🙂
Post # 5
@keepsmiling19: Your Not a failure; In fact I think you really tried to go the extra mile for your FI- and I think thats pretty amazing in itself. You put him first, you tried your best, and thats what matters most
Secondly, since I am in academics myself, I know how hard it is- when the dust settles your Fiance will know that you were there- to give that extra bit of reassurance, no matter how much he seemed down on himself. He’s going to be worked up for a while, but when it finally calms down for him, he’ll look around and see what you tried to do for him
Dont underwrite your efforts just because you didnt think of something first or his parents thought of it first. Its not a competition dear, they’re his family and your his family too now- its amazing that this one individual has such an amazing support system- BOTH you and his mum and pop. You also have to remember that this support system is also yours now- and that they hopefully will be there for the both of you when you wed and start a life together. Who comes first, or second wont matter, and it shouldnt now either. Support is support, no matter where it comes from
You did your best, and so did his parents. Take comfort in the fact that you and them love your Fiance so much, and that your coming into such a supportive situation.
As for your weight plan, I know how you feel! I just started mine and I wont lie- its been a week- and its been freakn hard! I commend you for sticking to yours, first off, and also suggest that should you have hit a plateau, either double check what your consuming (high salt content? High in sugar?- all retains water and makes it harder) as well as up the reps or resistance of your weight or cardio training 🙂
Im currently on calorie count.com -check it out! Its a great resource!
I hope that helps!
Post # 6
@astrangeharris: There used to be some tension between his mom and I. Back when we started dating (we’ve been together for 6+ years), his mom and I didn’t really see eye-to-eye. In hindsight, I think she was nervous that I would distract my Fiance from school or make him give up his dreams just to be with me. I was also my FI’s first serious girlfriend. wouldn’t talk to me very much, would ignore me, generally make me feel uncomfortable. I remember one time, she saw me and mumbled a hello, but when she saw one of my FI’s other friends, you would have thought the Queen of England had arrived. I will give Fiance credit, when I mentioned a problem, he would talk to his mom and he really stood up for me.
Things are much, much better. The big thing is, about three years ago, he chose to go to a grad school program that was out of state versus the one at home because it is a better program. It will definitely open more doors for him. I completely supported his decision to go and didn’t hold him back. Once she realized that I wasn’t going to hold him back, that I wanted him to do well, it was a complete 180. Now, they go out of their way to make me feel welcome, especially ever since my FI’s older brother got engaged (and now married), and we are engaged.
So, there is some stuff in the past. I’m not really mad at her (or his dad), I’m just mad at myself for not thinking more.
Post # 7
I’m sorry you’re feeling bad. I just wanted to tell you that I know that you felt like it was a competition that you lost, but that isn’t the case. You are part of a team (family)…a team that has the same goal…to make Fiance feel better. Everyone does what they can to achieve the goal. In the future there will be times that you are the person that figures out what to do. It’s a combined effort.
As far as the weight loss plan…it is very hard to commit sometimes. Just keep trying!!! At least you didn’t gain, right? Find something that motivates you and use it! My motivation is simply to be healthy and in-shape, but maybe you should post a picture of your wedding dress or bikini as your computer screensaver so that everytime you get on the computer you remember what you’re dieting for. Or maybe this just isn’t the right diet for you? Find something that you think you could stick with…there’s so many diets out there:)
Post # 8
@littleweddingbits: Thank you for the hug! I appreciate it :-). I think it’s also hard, knowing that I can’t be there physically for him now. It’s one of the drags of being in a LDR. I also am a person who hates it when I can’t make everything magically better. I will definitely try to keep smiling! I’m setting my alarm for a little bit earlier so I can get up and do some type of exercise.
@Bellanouva: Thank you for the great advice! I’m in grad school right now, too, but my program is leaps and bounds different from his. It can get stressful, and with his, I am not very well versed in what he studies (though I try!), so I know that I can’t completely understand. I agree with what you and the other PPs said. It isn’t a competition with his parents. They have been really supportive of us, especially in these past 2.5 years that he’s been in grad school. I just feel like I should be able to take care of everything, which in reality, is definitely not true. I also think of times where I just want to talk to my mom, or my aunt. It’s nothing against him, it’s just a familiar place to turn. I know that I can be overly sensitive…I have actually improved! I just need to remind myself that it’s all okay.
Thank you for the resource on calorie counter! I use Weight Watchers, but I will definitely look into that, too. I follow my points, but now that they don’t use calories, I get a little nervous that I’m still eating too many in one day. I will try that out!
Post # 9
@keepsmiling19: not a problem at all! I love caloriecount.com 🙂 you can sign up and log in all your info and what not- its alot easier than it sounds, trust me, but if your coming off a point system like WW already, Im sure you can pick it up in no time!
😀 All the best! And indeed, keep smiling lol!
Post # 10
I didn’t read through all the posts but you are absolutely not a failure. So his parents ordered him pizza? You did your absolute best to be supportive and that’s what counts. He has a supportive fiance and family. As a fellow dieter I know how much it sucks to not have a great week- but tomorrow is another day 🙂
I find the best way to calm my husband down before he does something big is to remind him he’s the best at what he does, the handsomest, and the most endowed (he may not be all of those things, but it makes him smile and I swear he believes it when I say it even though he shyly says, “no i’m not..”:)
Post # 11
Honey, I am also getting a Ph.D., and it is just stressful. This is something you can’t fix for him. You can be there, and be supportive, but ultimately he has to deal with it on his own. So you need to work on ways that you can be supportive, but not take it on as your burden to fix. And competing with his parents isn’t going to make you feel better about it.
Post # 12
I’m glad you’re feeling better about this! Sounds like you are marrying into a great family. Stay strong (LDRs can be so difficult sometimes) and know that all of this work/stress will pay off. Also remember that it’s all about the journey and try to enjoy your time as an engagee and student 🙂
Post # 13
You are not solely responsible for your FI’s mental state. This is a lesson I’m still learning. If he’s stressed out, got depression, has bad anxiety—anything—all you can do is help as best you can. The rest is up to him.
You’re not a failure because you couldn’t cheer him up. You can’t magic away all the stress of this meeting, you can only be there to listen, support and love him no matter what happens.
If you were really stressed about something, would you think he was a failure if he couldn’t make it all better? No. You’d just be grateful for what he tried to do because it shows how much he cares.
As for the weight loss, sometimes, there are weeks when just not gaining any weight is a victory. Don’t beat yourself up about it and remember that in order to keep your metabolism up and your willpower strong, it’s important to eat a little extra sometimes. It sounds like you’re doing a good job.
Post # 14
Thanks everyone :-). I appreciate the support from all the bees! You all are absolutely right. I can’t solve all of his problems (just like nobody can solve all of mine), no matter how much I would love to be able to. His family is also really, really supportive, and they will be of us, too. Waking up this morning, I do feel better about things already. I’ve made a plan to get some exercise today (I’m heading to the gym during a football game–hopefully it will be less crowded!) and I’m going to give him a call really soon, just to check in.
Weight loss is difficult, but it can be done! I’ve had prior success on the program that I’m using again (Weight Watchers). I’m comparing myself to where I was at this point when I last started it two years ago. I need to learn not to do that, because this time won’t be exactly like the last time.
Thanks, bees! You are the best! 🙂