- 7 years ago
- Wedding: May 2012
Sometimes, I feel like I just can’t catch up. I have a case of baby fever. In the past year, I have had at least 10 friends, acquaintances, and a family member have children. My Fiance and I are getting married later than most of these people (we will be 28 and 26 when we got married; many of these couples got married between the ages of 22-24). This really hit me when I saw everyone getting engaged and married. I was feeling a lot of resentment towards many different people and things. I finally felt like we were catching up, and now, I feel left behind again.
I had the wide range of emotions yesterday. My Future Brother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law welcomed their first child. This is really big for them, as Future Brother-In-Law was recently diagnosed with cancer, and Future Sister-In-Law lost a family member a few days before the birth of their son. I felt so happy for them that they were able to have a child (especially since it is possible they may not be able to have another), excited to be an aunt, yet I felt some resentment and sadness. I was resenting the fact that I know we had to put off things because they had gotten engaged before us, and now that we were engaged, they were having a baby. I also do feel some resentment towards my FI’s grad school program. He will live in a different state for at least the next two years (hopefully not longer), so I know we will be putting off things for awhile. I want to be with him, but I have a really good job right now, and since he will be moving back here after this is all said and done, I can’t give it up.
Then, I felt absolutly horrible and angry at myself for even THINKING that. It’s not a competition at all, it doesn’t make either event better, it doesn’t make us any less than them, and it’s not all about us. I feel incredibly selfish for even having those thoughts. Not to mention, everything that they’ve gone through/are going through, they more than deserve some happiness. I know it’s my own personal thing, that I wish that we were now at that stage, especially since so many of my friends are having children.
Finally, I felt numb, because I didn’t really feel any attachment to their child. I’m not officially a part of the family yet. I would hear people saying “Uncle <insert FI’s name here>”, but nothing about “Aunt <insert my name here>” (except from his one aunt, one that I get along with really well). That hurt a bit, because Fiance and I have been together for nearly 7 years. We’ve been together longer than his brother and Future Sister-In-Law have been together.
Has anyone else ever felt this conflicted? If so, how did you deal with it? I don’t feel like I have any close friends that I can vent this to. Believe me, I know that some of my thoughts are incredibly selfish, and I don’t want to be like that. Any advice would be very welcome.