Post # 1
I’m kinda bummed about how uneven our wedding is. About 90 of our guests are my FI’s family. Over half our total guest list. We decided to get married in StL to make it easy for his family to come b/c they all live here, assuming my smaller family would fly in.
Due to the economy, it’s literally my mom, dad, aunt, and her boyfriend coming. THAT’S IT. Also a family friend, who’s daughter is in my wedding. I feel like this wedding is for him and his family to come to, mostly. But we’re paying for it. I’m just the arm candy! The girl he’s marrying.
It’s SO lopsided that it’s kind of bumming me out. I’m barely going to know anyone at my own wedding. The rest of the guest list consists of about 20 of my friends and their dates, so that evens it out a smidge. I think we’ll end up wtih about 160 people including my FI’s 15 friends and their dates.
Ugh. Does anyone else come from "the small family" and their Fiance comes from "a huge family"? It kind of annoys me but also bums me out that we did the whole thing of having it in St Louis so HIS family could come but now mine cannot. I just found this out. And by my family I mean my two grandmas and my cousin and her family. Literally my family is super small due to some break off years and years ago that caused major drama. I’m still excited about my wedding, but I am a little bummed that we’re spending all this money and all this effort and it’s not really going to be intimate I think. Or fun…i don’t want to spend all day in the receiving line. Ok vent over.
Post # 3
Our wedding was the opposite. My family is huge and his family is small! I would say 20 guest were my husbands and 90 or so were from my family/friends. I don’t think he felt uncomfortable the entire day, a small feat for my introverted husband. We actually had a fantastic time and everyone mingled so well.
In the end even if more of his family does show than yours they will be supportive of your husband, you and your wedding, so everyone should have a great time!
Post # 4
With our wedding, the lopside is on my side. We live in CA I am from CA all my family is in CA and he from GA from a very very small family. About 90% of the guest are my family and only his cousin and her Boyfriend or Best Friend are coming because his mom and brother won’t be coming….separete issue with his mom for which I am really mad and hurt. Anyway, maybe you can like a BBQ or something when you get back home so that all your family can be there.
Post # 5
Aww it’s too bad your other relatives aren’t able to come! 🙁
I can relate somewhat, too. My FI’s family is bigger than mine – his mom’s side, late father’s, and stepdad’s – and the only family of mine that I’m inviting is my dad’s side. So his relatives are going to be at least double mine and I definitely had a hard time dealing with that. Especially because, like you, I felt like a bunch of his random extra relatives didn’t even know me at all and had never met. I like the idea of everybody knowing us really well at our wedding…and it’s just not happening.
But! At the end of the day, you can look at it as not just "his" family but the extra family you’re getting through marriage. Even though you may not know them well now, you will more and more in the coming years!
I’m assuming there’s not much you can do at this point about talking to your Fiance about maybe cutting the guest list a little since your wedding is coming up. But maybe if you have any extra left in your budget you could try to help your other relatives come to the wedding? I hope you start to feel better about it!
Post # 6
My family is much larger than my Fiance. It’s just him, 2 brothers, SIL & 3 nephews, and mom. (Maybe an uncle?). And plus, his bro & SIL and nephews live in CA so they may not be able to afford to get to VA.
My family, on the other hand is much larger. I could easily have 30 people on my side. Just family! I know this is why he is pushing for a small beach wedding.
And I know how that is going to make him feel. I second the idea of having a BBQ with your family. I know it’s not as good as the real day, but it will give them a chance to celebrate and you have the chance to have another shindig!
Also, I say forget the recieving line. Just make sure to mingle to each table.
Post # 7
Awww, I’m sorry that you feel like this.
You are most definitely not the arm candy. And if all of these people love your Fiance and want to be there on your big day, they will be there to see you and loev you too!
Have you considered having some sort of get together before the wedding so that you can get to know his side fo the family a little more? I have gotten to be friends with some of my FI’s family, so I’m very excited to see them at the wedding.
Also, have you considered using some of your budget to help pay for travel costs for your family? Perhaps if they paid the flights, you could pay for their hotel stays in STL? I know that discussing money can be very difficult, but if the majority of the wedding guests are his family, perhaps his family could pay for some of the wedding (maybe part of the reception food or something like that) and then some of your family’s contribution could help with travel costs.
Post # 8
@ejs4y8 i feel for you!! we are just starting the planning process and working on the guest list but my FI’s family is huge and mine is quite small too! My family in the guest list will be my parents, my sister, my Brother-In-Law, grandma (God-willing by then), and 2 uncles. other than that its friends of mine and my parents. my Fiance has sooo many aunts, uncles and cousins!!! we don’t have a final head count by any means but we know it will be totally lopsided!!
the only plus is that my FI’s family has agreed to pay for all the "extra guests" that make it lopsided…which was very generous and i appreciate it!!
just try to remember they are there to celebrate you as a couple and you are not just who he is marrying!! feel better!! 🙂
Post # 9
ejs4y8, I am actually from a huge family while my Fiance is from a tiny family like you. We decided to have the wedding in my hometown of Bethlehem, PA because it was easier to have our 200 + guests there than traveling anywhere. Unfortunately, my FI’s small family is spread out. His brother lives in northern NJ, his Mom in NC while his maternal grandparents and aunts and uncles live in California. In the area he only has his close friends, his paternal g’mom, his aunt and his dad who lives with us and that’s it.
I feel bad for him all the time because he is such a family man without a close family. So our wedding will be lopsided but the great thing is that my Fiance loves my family and my family absolutely loves him so it works out for us.
I hope things work out for you and you are just able to have a great time no matter what happens.
Post # 10
It’s my family that’s bigger (my mom is one of five and my dad is one of six!). I think our guest list is 30% his and 70% mine. We are having the wedding near his family so all my family is flying in. (My family lives all over though so they’d have to fly in no matter where the wedding was.)
We are really trying to make sure everyone has a good time. We have been thinking of "ice breaker" type stuff, like trivia cards or framed photos at the cocktail hour, to get people talking. We are also having an open bar, so hopefully everyone will be BFFs by the end of the night! (Kidding!!) It’s also a long holiday weekend, so we are organizing but not hosting other events to get everyone together.
Post # 11
I hear ya. ^_^ We’re going to end up with around 200+ people. My side = roughly 60, including work friends who won’t all come. His side = 150+. Seriously. And a substantial chunk of it is family.
My family is really small–my divorced parents, sister, half brother and half sister, 2 aunts and 1 cousin (dad’s side), and MAYBE 1-3 of my mom’s siblings. I live in Omaha with most of my friends, Mr. Spin’s family is largely from Lincoln, and my family is scattered throughout MO, CA, TX and one in NY. So, we’re doing this shindig in Lincoln so that the bulk of our guests (all his ppl) won’t have to travel too far.
Sometimes I get bummed that our wedding will mostly be his side. It’s silly, but I’m afraid that it’s going to look like I have no friends and no family compared to him. The main thing that makes it ok is that his family and friends are perfectly lovely and are super nice. I like them, they like me. But also, it REALLY helps that because of the huge disparity in sides, Mr. Spin’s family is going to pay for dinner for most of their guests. They think it isn’t fair to invite so many people and then ask my parents to pay. It’s very considerate of them, but really I think it’s the polite thing to do. THEY really want these people to come, so they’re paying for them.
My mom is going to have a small bbq out at her house in MO for the local people who can’t afford to come up to Nebraska, which are mostly her friends, not mine. That’s how we’re going to balance out that part of it.
Good luck! I know it’s rough. Maybe you can release the pews instead of having a receiving line? That would go MUCH faster and be less time spent with people you don’t know. ^_^
(omg, sorry about the novel-length post)
Post # 12
Well, what i do have of family is kind of spread out over a few states. I actually live in StL now so the hometown bbq idea isn’t feasible. My family lives EVERYWHERE. THey’d have to buy plane tickets no matter where we had it so we figured we’d have it where I live and my FI’s family lives (he’s in GA in the military). It’s just weird…i’d rather have my closest with me, but he’s like, "omg we have to have everyone!" and our venue REQUIRES we pay for 155 plates of food. And I’m a little irritated now (kinda late, only 7 weeks to go) that i was just handed a guest list of 90 people without any consideration as to how extensive to make our guest list. But i hate the idea of paying for food that nobody is there eating so our philosophy is to hit the minimum plates of food. I just don’t see why my FI’s mothers coworkers are a necessary group to invite, even though my Fiance insists they are. Um, ok? I’m ok with it all, ultimately, and maybe I’m just having one of those days where it’s really bugging me, but now that I recently found out that literally it’s just my parents and my mom’s sister, i’m just going through the "um, are you kidding me?" factor. Also the "what about MY family?" and i feel kinda whiny about the fact that we did this so HIS family could come, assuming MY family would fly in…and now they cannot. Stupid economy.
My FI’s mother is throwing me a shower on Sunday for all the women on her side of the family to come to so I’m guessing I’ll meet them all then. She warned me it might be awkward, so I’m dragging my Maid/Matron of Honor, too! Apparently they’re not all super social…
Anyways, my Fiance doesn’t understand why this all kind of bothers me. It’s just that everything we do seems to be about him and his family. HIS family lives here, we spend ALL our holidays with them…etc. My parents live 5 hours away. Most of it’s b/c he’s military so I oblige to see his family with him whenever we can b/c he never gets to. This will most definitely be changing once he gets out. I’m a firm believer in splitting things as evenly as possible, not an "all my way or your way" kind of thing. As in, we don’t spend all our Christmases with his family b/c it’s the most convenient. I’m sure if the situation was reversed he’d understand. My Fiance is very big on family, which I respect, but he doesn’t see why it’s weird for me. They’re HIS blood family, not mine, and I am not *that* close with all of them, so I’m sort of a take it or leave it kind of girl. Mostly it’s all strange b/c i’m on the awkward receiving end of going to his family events and just sitting there being bored.
This all sort of hit me when I realized how empty and sad my side of the wedding ceremony chairs would be!!! They’re only going to need like 3 rows of chairs! . It’s just that now that we’re so close I kind of wish we’d gone with the beach wedding, even though last May when we got engaged that wasn’t what we wanted…well, a year ago it wasn’t. So much for going with the flow.
Post # 13
spinningjenny, you’re right on the nose! Even if we had a small reception at "home" i don’t even know where that would be. Oh well…it just is an over all awkward situation.And you’re right, I do think it is the polite and appropriate situation for your FI’s family to foot the bill somewhat. Everyone is always surprised that my parents aren’t paying for my wedding. But why would they when there are so few of their own family there? My parents are not keen on putting out all this money for other people they don’t know. They are generous with us, but not strangers. Hence our super sweet kick ass honeymoon. I think i’m more excited about that than anything!
My Fiance is completely taken aback by my attitude in "i’m having my dinner and wine. We invited them and are not obliged to shmooze all night since we are paying for them to come". I think since the head table eats first, we’ll eat, then go around and chat afterwards. Since we’re getting married outside at 6pm, we have from 630-715 to take our wedding pictures (dinner’s at 730), so i’m not exactly going to be standing around chatting with some people whom i have no clue who they are!
Maybe this is what vow renewals are for . I’m just like, "eek, we’re paying HOW MUCH for all these people I don’t know?!" even if my Fiance knows and loves them all.
Wow thanks for reading my novels
Post # 14
Rough! I totally understand though, just oppositely. I have a large family because there are three of them (my mom’s, my dad’s, and my stepdad’s). My fiance literally has two family members: his mom and his dad and THAT’S IT.
We made up for it by getting married at a place that is special to both of us, but that his family has more history to. His parents will also be inviting some family friends and my family simply cannot. Also, we certainly won’t designate sides for people to sit on during the cermony.
Good luck and remember, they’ll be YOUR family too after the first hour!
Post # 15
I hear you. I think it’s really rough when it’s uneven. My family is very small and his is very large. We have 2.5 tables of my family and 6.5 his, and 3 tables of friends and co workers. Sometimes I feel depressed because I’m inviting all these peole I dont know, but worse yet, some he doesn’t even like but has to invite. It’s been tough accepting it financially as well. Since I make much less than him, but put in equal share. I’ve talked to him about it when I was feeling super bumbed, but he assured me that it’s all our money in the end anyway.
I know it’s hard, just try not to think about it. Eventually it will all be your family as well =) Just make it as beautiful of an occasion as possible so that everyone remembers your special day. Because after all this wedding is not for them, it’s for you and your future husband.
Post # 16
I am the opposite of you – I have about 90-100 family coming on my side and on my Fiance side he has a whopping total of 15!!!!!
I understand all your frustrations, try not to think about it. I agree with shimako-todo – great advice!