(Closed) I’m frustrated!

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
1425 posts
Bumble bee

Fortunately, I have not, but I think the usual answer to something like this is to try and shake it up. Try sexy outfits, even just new underwear/teddies, or different places besides the bedroom. Of course, this only works if you haven’t already tried it.

Post # 4
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

We definitely go through our spurts, that’s for sure. Hubs works his ass off, so on the days that he is too tired, I pout a little, but I understand. I would just try talking to him when you are both in a good mood, and keep it light. Ask him if there is something else on his mind and if he needs to talk about anything. Sometimes, its stress at work he doesn’t want to bother you with, or it might be something else.

Hang in there, and know that you are not alone! Something that works for us, is if its been a bit and one of us wants it but the other doesn’t, we let the other one know (I am really not feeling it, but we can try) and then start slow. More often than not, it make the other ready to go in no time, and we both end up happy! But, the only down side is that you have to promise not to get upset if you try, he’s still not feeling it, and then you have to stop. Or, try pleasuring yourself in front of him, and see how long it takes him to get a clue that he better get in on this action!! That works on my husband every single time!!

Post # 5
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@CherryWaves: Oh yeah, i agree with this as well. We like to cook breakfast on the weekends, since there’s no time during the week, and sometimes we’ll do it right then and there, and hope the food doesn’t burn! Ah, I love living on our own now…makes for lots of spontaneity!!

Post # 6
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I was having the same issue with Fiance… it took severaly talks about it for him to “get it”

Trying sexy outfits is a good idea, but if I know how you’re feeling you’re getting to the point where you’re losing some of your confidence. What really made the lightbulb in my FI’s head go off was when I told him

“I feel like I’m always chasing and pursuing you, I miss being chased…”  That he finally got.  We were HOT and heavy for our first year and in the last 6 months things fizzled a bit… He got a new job with added responsibilty and stress… but now after our talk last week things seem to be getting better. If you keep talking eventually he’ll get it.

Post # 7
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Our problem is of course vice versa. His sex drive his stronger and I’m always tired/stressed. For me if I’m having sex it’s doomed to be bad if I still have a list ten pages long of things I need to do floating around in my head. What he’ll do though and I do is throughout the day send each other suggestive texts for later in the night. It puts that message out there early in the day that hey I want some later and we better plan on it haha. That way I can schedule him in <– that sounds ridiculous but right now I’m working 35 hours and taking 15 hours at school and it’s usually 10pm before we’re both home. It also builds up the anticipation all day long. 🙂  It sounds silly to have to plan ahead but it works well for us and he understands my need for that.

Post # 8
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012


I’ve been there. I don’t know if it was quite the same as your situation because I don’t know enough about your relationship with your SO.

The following might be a bit Too Much Information. When my Fiance and I first started dating, we had all sorts of troubles sexually. He would make excuses like the ones your SO is making. This of course made me feel like total crap and probably still affects me to some degree.

What I think was happening was that he was very sexually inexperienced when we first started dating and he was very nervous abou everything we were doing. He felt such pressure to perform that he often just didn’t feel up to the task. This was coupled with the fact that he had been celebate (semi on purpose) for years before we started dating, so he had trained himself to shut his sexuallity down. 

We got over this slowly and with a lot of talking. When I say slowly though, I do mean it. We have been dating for over four years now and I’d say that our sex life is still improving. He has had to work on being more willing to put himself out there and let himself be horny and act on it. I have worked on making it clear to him that he is good in bed and doesn’t need to worry about impressing me. It was very difficult at times, but we did get through it. 

I don’t know if any of this helps you. I completely understand what you’re going through and I empathize with you. 

Maybe consider sex counciling? We never tried it because it was expensive and embarassing, but we got pretty close at times. 

Post # 9
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

been there.  sometimes i’m still there.  I don’t have any good advice but hugs for you cause I know what it makes you feel like.

Post # 10
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

It comes and goes as far as I have noticed.Fiance works a lot and weird hours, so if he says he is tired I just let it go. I would try maybe at a different time. Do you always try right before bed? So a spur of the moment come on.. It will get better. Maybe try to shake it up. Before he gets home try sending him a naughty txt or something so he is all ready and turned on by the time he gets home.. Good luck!!

Post # 11
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@EmilyJean: Its not silly at all! We do the same thing, and I agree it definitely helps you get ready mentally and be able to prepare for whats going to happen when you get home! 🙂

Post # 12
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Is he working late?  Does he have a lot on his mind?  Is he worried or stressed?  Is there pressure on him to have a stellar performance or super romantic event every time?  I think if this is his deal then spicing things up will add more pressure. Sometimes guys just need to know that a “wham bam thank you mam” is okay. Sometimes, of course!

Post # 13
47278 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Have a talk about it AWAY from the bedroom. Ask him to be honest with you, if there is anything interfering with his sex drive.

Tell him you are sexually frustrated and need him to participate even if he’s not feeling like it at the moment.

 Once he gets involved and turned on, he will likely be more eager.

Failing that, masturbation is always an option.



Post # 14
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

It’s hard not to feel rejected, but it probably isn’t you.  Sounds like he has other things on his mind that he has not shared with you.  So I doubt sexy outfits are going to be the solution here.

But I know how you feel, if I go three days I freak out. My husband didn’t “wake me up” this morning and when I asked why, he said he was bummed about the Red Sox. lol See, we have no idea what these men are thinking sometimes.

As PP have suggested, set up a time to talk outside the bedroom in a non-confrontational way.  Tell him what your needs are and what you are feeling.  Hopefully he will open up and you can resolve this easily.

Post # 15
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Frown It’s the worst feeling in the world and unless you resolve it now, it just gets worse and more strained.


Everybody says, “It isn’t YOU” but that’s never the way you FEEL. It makes you feel unwanted, undesired, ugly and less of a woman.


Your Fiance is probably really tired and stressed about something. You need to talk about it and come to an understanding. He could need a medical check up. Low libido has many causes and you’ll want to rule out a medical reason.

Whatever the reason, I understand the frustration. It sucks. ((HUG))

Post # 16
2690 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I have the same problem! My sex drive is WAY bigger than my SO’s and I constantly feel like I am the one initiating and being rejected. It hurts and we’ve talked about it a lot.

What helped for us was moving. We were both very unhappy where we were and once we moved, he was much more willing to be intimate more often. I realize this probably isn’t an option for you, but maybe take a mini vacay? Go to the nearest big city, rent a hotel room for one night, have a nice dinner, share some wine, and have some fun!

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