Post # 1
Right now I’m struggling with my feelings about waiting. My boyfriend is looking for his first job after grad school, while I am stable in my career and make enough to support myself and have a nice lifestyle. We already live together, and we have talked a lot about getting married and having a family.
Previously he lead me to believe that he wanted those things too, but not until he found a full time job. Of course, I assumed this was about money and I assured him that I didn’t need an expensive ring and wanted nothing but a very small wedding. I even showed him rings online that were very affordable, to which he responded that he felt pressured. On another occasion, I told him that I might be able to get my grandma’s diamond from my mom if he wanted in the future, and he said he doesn’t like diamonds.
Recently I asked him half-jokingly if he was ready to get married yet, and he said it had to be a surprise. Later we got into an argument because I felt he wasn’t motivated to find a job and save for our future. During that discussion, he claimed that he could buy a ring now if he wanted to and that he would be fine with us getting married before he finds a full time job if it takes too long (he has a part-time job).
I have a feeling that he is just stalling me because he really doesn’t feel like an adult yet, because he has not started his career. I know I need to give him time and not push the issue or I will just frustrate him further. How can I stop obsessing about this when I feel like he’s not motivated?
Post # 3
It’s hard to say if he’s stalling or not without knowing how close together these conversations were or how long you’ve been together. That being said, I think that it’s actually very practical and responsible for him to want to wait until he has a full-time job. If he got the job and then came up with something else he needed to accomplish before proposing, then I would say he was stalling. But give him some time, planning a wedding and being newlyweds is a heck of a lot easier when you’re working full time!
Post # 4
going by your post history you have been together about 2yrs or less and he doesnt have a job, i dont think he is stalling you but he has other priorities right now.
i think it would be healthier to focus on enjoying your time together as a couple and maybe you can help him out on the job front instead of showing him rings, he needs to feel that he is also important in the future you will share together and not let it be all about the ring and title. goodluck!
Post # 5
@eloping: Oh trust me, I’ve tried to help with his job search but I think it makes him more frustrated. We have actually been together just over a year. I know it doesn’t seem like that long but to me…I finally found the right person and I don’t see why I should have to wait.
What really confuses me is that he says he wants the same thing, but I don’t see him doing anything to make it happen. Maybe if he expressed an interest in the ring at least I’d have some hope that he was thinking about it. I’m probably just being emotional, as usual.
This waiting stuff sucks!
Post # 6
I think you need to take a look at Mr Bees plan. I sort of followed it, and it worked for me. Once I backed off completely, and stopped mentioning marriage and started doing my own thing, without him, he got right in line and proposed within 2 months. I later found out that he didn’t want to propose until he felt he had enough money in the bank for a down payment for a house. Silly man, like I cared about that!
Post # 7
@SandyThePoet: But just a warning to the OP, I would not expect it to happen so soon since your boyfriend had made it clear that he does not want to get engaged until he has a full-time job, which like I said in my previous post, is a completely reasonable goal and makes total sense.
Post # 8
The number one cause of major fights – and one of the most common reasons couples end up divorcing = money issues.
A lot of good guys have been raised to believe that it is irresponsible to make a family unless you can provide for that family. Trust me, thats not a bad thing.
There is a lot of uncertainty in the job market and the economy – give the guy a break, especially if you’ve only been together for 2 years, thats hardly “stalling”. But trust me, the more you push and pressure him, the longer you’re going to be waiting.