Post # 1
Ugh. The title says it all. The past month or so has been constant fighting and me being in the middle. I’m their only child, and at 27, it’s stressful, I can’t imagine it as a child. This sort of came out of left field from my perspective (and my dad’s from what I’ve been hearing…crazy.)
Trying to stay out of the problems, I live with Fiance about an hour away, but just trying to be supportive of both parents, but it’s hard to watch from the outside. :S Nothing has been set in stone, but motions are happening for a separation..possibly divorce.
Has anyone else been through this as an adult?
Post # 3
I have not but I am sorry you are going through this.
Post # 4
I am so sorry. Just because you are an adult doesn’t make it hurt less. I hope you can find great people to process your feelings with.
I am so sorry.
Post # 5
My parents separated for the first time when I was 18 (just after I graduated HS). They went back and forth until I was about 25. Right before my first wedding, my father got engaged to his girlfriend, THEN divorced my mom. It sucked. Because I was older, they weren’t as careful on what they said in front of me. It was extremely stressful with it being right before my first wedding (which I think I might have called off had I been in my right mind at the time, between the divorce, a death in the family, and several other things, I wasn’t at the time).
I lived two miles from my mom, and about 5 from my dad. Proximity made it worse. Hopefully, you can remove yourself from it and not get sucked in. I’d explain to them that you love them both, are there for them, but will not take sides. I think they forget once we hit adulthood that we’re still the kids, and we don’t belong in the middle.
Post # 6
Thank you guys for your support. It’s true, it doesn’t hurt any less because I’m older. Fiance has been doing a good job of just listening to me vent and I’m so grateful for him and my aunts and uncles who have been around and keeping in touch as much as possible through this. My bestie/MOH is coming over tomorrow for a wine day/girls sesh which is much needed.
@HeathenSwan: wow. That must’ve been tough…I’m sorry you were put through that. I can only imagine all of those outside stresses being overwhelming right before a wedding! I have been doing my best to let them both know I love them and will support them, but I don’t want to choose sides. My dad is really on board with this because he knows it’s not right to bash the other person to their child. My mom on the other hand, is needing constant reminders of this. It just stinks.
Post # 7
This really sucks. My parents went through a rough patch and kind of separation, a couple of years ago. The best advice I can give you is to stay out of it. I kept telling them Mom/Dad I know you having a rough time and I hope it gets better but I prefer not to know. My mom did get pissed a little bit at me, but I told her I would be there for moral support but I don’t want to know the details. I told her if you need to vent call your sister/best friend because I love both of you and I’m not picking sides.
Hopefully it works out with your parents. I think mine raised five kids, then worked a lot, and now that their life was slowing done a bit they had to learn how to live and love each other again.
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
I’m sorry- my parents split the year before my brother got married, and it’s just a crappy situation all around, to have this happen around a wedding.
I was 17 at the time and was often in the middle. Because you’re an only child, you have to be firm with them- “I realize you may not love him/her anymore, but *I* do and you can not talk that way about him/her in front of me.” Repeat as often as necessary. “I can not spend time with you if you don’t stop saying negatives about him/her.”
They’re going through one of the top ten life stress events- and so are you. If you don’t already do yoga, it’s pretty phenomenal for helping deal with stress.
If a separation does occur, my advice for the wedding (assuming your January date is correct) is to seat them at two separate tables, and NO DATES. Emily Post’s etiquette books are great for figuring out how to seat them/handle the invites, etc.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this on top of the wedding- it’s a lot to deal with- it will get easier in time.
Post # 9
So sorry you have to go through this, expecially now.
We had a similar situation, except that it was my Future Father-In-Law and FSMIL. He moved out of their house about 1 month after we got engaged. My FH took it pretty hard and kept saying “you should walk away, my marriage genes are bad” (this would have been the 2nd failed marriage for his dad and his mom has been through 3 divorces). I just kept saying “i’ve got enough for both of us” since my parents just celebrated their 45th anniv.
Luckily they have worked it out and are back together.
Post # 10
My Fiance has gone through this. He’s 25 and they told him that they decided to separate. We were engaged for maybe 3-4 months when they told us. We heard about all their fights, as much as we told them that it was between the two of them.
Fast forward 2-3 months and they’re no longer separating, but getting a downsized house together next year and expecting a card for their wedding anniversary tomorrow. I hate that they cried wolf with FI’s emotions- they really shouldn’t have announced it to him (he’s an only child of his parents) until they were filing paperwork. For some reason they didn’t tell FI’s half sister (his dad’s daughter from previous marriage who is 40s) until 2 months after us and then turned around and told her “Actually we’re staying together.”
What a mess.
Post # 11
Yes, I can relate… Long story short, my parents were avoiding each other during my wedding (I asked my parents to make a joint speech together, which they couldn’t manage to do, didn’t listen to each other for most of the trip they made for my wedding…it was overall a very stressfull trip for them), got in a huge fight the day after my wedding, and my mom moved out. It was a long time coming, and I live pretty far away from my parents so it hasn’t affected me too much. They haven’t decided if they will get divorced and I think the separation is good to at least sort through the feelings going on. I do feel bad for my sister who is taking it harder (she lives closer and has to deal with it more), so I try to be there for her.
I really have been limiting my conversations with them about it. I check up on my mom so I know what friend she is staying with at least. Otherwise I’ll listen to the surface for a few minues, but once it turns into bitching about each other I just say “don’t put me in the middle of it” and try to change the subject.
Good luck, and remember your relationship has nothing to do with theirs.
Post # 12
@TwoCityBride: I feel like that is part of the issue too. They went through rough times in the past too but maybe now they are having to learn to live with each other again without their kid around. They were only married for about a year before I was born. So majority of their first year was probably about being pregnant.
@rebwana: Yoga sounds wonderful about now. I may just look for classes nearby, that’s a great idea! And yes, the January date is right. I’m going to see how everything plays out before the wedding…but separate tables is definitely going to happen I think. Oh man…and the invitations…geez. We have some time luckily…I seriously didn’t think about any of that until reading some of the comments.
@lolalovesjosh: Part of me is hoping mine might be able to…but only time will tell I guess. Your poor Fiance, that is a lot of marriages between the two parents to deal with the stresses of and support throughout! I’m glad they were able to work things out 🙂
@MrsBroccoli: Ugh, that stinks. Weird that they would tell you guys and not his half sister until later. I am worried that might happen in this case too…they’ve been through stuff before but this time my mom is out of the house and has only been back to get new clothes or her medications, etc. Soo this is a whole different ballgame…
@Au Jardin: Oh geez, that’s stressful! Right after your wedding when you two were in your honeymooning time. I’m sorry. You are right about my relationship not having anything to do with theirs. It changes the way I will be and am communicating with each of them. But I’m sticking to the not listening to them talk too much about the other part as best as I can.
Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice, I really REALLY appreciate it
Post # 13
@jlc3: Sorry for thread jacking, I haven’t really talked to anyone about it and haven’t really wanted to start my own thread to vent, cause my wedding was so perfect that I don’t want to focus on the negative…yeah, I wasn’t quite on my honeymoon yet due to work, so I was still around although my friends and family mostly tried to shield it from me. The day after the wedding they went to my apartment to pick up their stuff, had a huge fight – my dad left for his hotel, and didn’t even say good bye to me before he left the country. I came home to my mom and my sister, and my mom told me she was leaving directly for the airport (they were supposed to travel together for another week). It….was really something I didn’t need to be in the middle of literally a day after my wedding (and even during my wedding for parts of it). If it is that bad, I’m relieved they are taking a time out to seriously consider how they are treating each other (and the people around them).
The good thing about being an adult and going through this is you really have a voice to call them out on their behavoir. You have a right to ask them not to put you in a situation which you feel you need to take sides. It’s not your job to be supportive of them while they go through this separation, it’s one of those things you have to stay neutral for your own sanity.
Post # 14
@Au Jardin: No please don’t be. I am glad you shared your story, it’s so recent and I’m sure thoughts of it go through through your mind from time to time also. But if you need to, vent away, I felt better after. 🙂 I’m happy you are focusing on all the positives happening, you’ve married your best friend – it’s so wonderful that the wedding was so perfect. It’s still probably quite a whirlwind. 🙂 Have you got any of the pro photos back yet?
Post # 15
@jlc3: I am so sorry you are going through this! I hope they can pull it together for your sake and not ruin the whole experience!
Post # 16
@sienna76: thank you…I hope so too.
Update: Tonight has sucked. They went to their first counselling session together and from what I heard from both parties, they pretty much lost it on each other and yelled and my mom took total control of the session and didn’t let my dad finish a sentence. UGH.
Woo…there I feel better now. 🙂