I’m going to end my engagement

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1434 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

If you’re serious,  start by making sure you have a place to land. Where will you live? Do you have enough to support yourself? Are you moving out? What stuff are you taking or will you absolutely need to buy again? Is the house an asset you have to liquidate? Or is it an apartment with a lease in your name,  too? You want your name off any lease where you don’t stay.

 

Start there if you haven’t already. 

 

 

Post # 3
Member
4769 posts
Honey bee

It’s amazing what you see when the rose-colored glasses come off.  Recently took mine off.  I’m in the “asserting myself” stage where I’m just not tolerating being the person who carries most of the emotional labor anymore in any aspect of my life.  It was making me miserable.

Be prepared for a lot of people minimizing your feelings or trying to convince you that it’s not that bad or “that’s just how men are”.  I’ve gotten some guilt trips from some.  And yeah, it’s not that bad.  But I want better for my life than “not that bad”.  Having a few understanding friends I’ve confided in helps, especially when I feel like I’m about to cave.

Just stay strong.  It’s ok to want more.  It’s ok to not settle.  It’s ok to want to receive what you give and have a partner as invested in you as you are them.  It will suck in the short-term, but it’s an investment in being happier in the long-term.

Post # 4
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I called off an engagement 4 years ago in a very similar situation. I made sure I had an apartment lined up and used my wedding savings to start over. A person on a board much like this helped give me the push I needed. I am now currently planning my wedding to a much better partner, so much better than I ever realized was out there. Take the leap of you feel it in your heart. Make a clean break and live the next year finding yourself again. You deserve happiness! I have no regrets. Best of luck. 

Post # 5
Member
24 posts
Newbee

When I went through this, we were together for 7 years, had the venue booked, dress and suits purchased, and I was about to send out the invitations. 

And I had my ‘click’ moment.

Please consider this advice seriously, as the other poster said, have a PLAN before you say anything.

Have an apartment lined up, make sure your banking and accounts are sorted (especially if you have finances together), look at all legal paperwork that you will have to deal with (address changes, etc). 

If you have to try and do all of this, while living with an emotional and upset partner, it makes it 10x worse. They won’t want things to end, or they get angry…they go through all of the stages of emotion and grief and you don’t need to be there to bear the brunt of it. It’s also kinder to remove yourself as it will be painful for them to keep seeing you.

When I ended things, I already had my own car in my name, an apartment lined up, movers booked, and my banking sorted. I had a place to stay so that I could leave the place the same day I broke it off.

It was hard, but I did all of this while keeping the status quo at home.

Look…ppl act and re-act in ways you don’t expect when they are under emotional stress, and sometimes  it’s not pretty. Even with all of my planning, my ex’s lack of responsibility affected me years afterwards (ie. finding out they never took me off of their insurance plan, so when they neglected to pay, the bank came knocking on my door 3 years later is just one example).

If I could offer any advice, it’s be prepared to leave the minute you break it off – it’s too messy if you don’t.

You can do this. Have faith in yourself, and trust yourself bee…you’ve got this. I wish you luck and send hugs.

Post # 6
Member
2824 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

I don’t have any advice, as I have never gone through anything similar. But I’m sorry you had to go through that. But congrats on your realization and moving forward! I hope you are much happier.

Post # 8
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I admire your strength. So many women in your situation ignore what their but Is telling them.

Post # 9
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - Green Bay, WI

THE SHORT STORY: I can definitely relate to this. I called off my engagement a couple months before the wedding (literally everything was done and ready). Unfortunately, I ended up putting my blinders on again and went through with the wedding and THEN got divorced. It was not great. I’m engaged again now, and I’m so much happier. 

LONG POST AHEAD.

____________

So, here it goes…

We were together since I was 15 and he was 14. At the time of the wedding we were 23 and 22. We had grown apart like crazy. I mean, we were just kids when we got together, but we didn’t know anything else besides each other. We started fighting a lot. I started resenting him because we didn’t have like anything in common. He was my best friend, but I also just started despising him. He was the opposite of me in so many ways. He never did anything around the apartment. He had no drive or ambition to do anything with his life. He dropped out of two colleges. I graduated with a BFA. I got a job in my career. He started working at a sporting goods store and was content to do that forever (not that that’s bad, but he wasted so much money at colleges first.)

I wanted nothing intimate with him. Too Much Information but I’m very active in my sex life now, and when I was single afterwards that’s all I wanted, but I NEVER wanted to be intimate with him. He honestly terrified me and I just felt gross thinking about doing things with him so I avoided it the best I could.

We both were so ingrained in each others lives and families. We’d been together like 8-9 years. We had all the same friends. But I had to leave. I was miserable. So I called off the engagement. He was devastated. He cried and I cried and I started telling some of my coworkers (I was close to them). Then he bought me a HUGE rock. It was like 4x the size of my original engagement ring. He put it on my finger and I just didn’t say anything. I. don’t. know. why. I panicked and was blindsighted by a big diamond like an idiot. He tried to buy me. And I let it work. And we got married. And then two weeks after the wedding I had the biggest DUHHHHH MOMENT. And I told him I wanted a divorce.

I officially filed for divorce a few months later, after what seemed like forever of him “trying” and not actually trying to fix or change anything. It wasn’t going to fix things. He couldn’t change in the ways I would’ve needed, and I didn’t want him to. We just didn’t work together. So I finally told my parents and families and they were so caught off guard. They didn’t get it. They just DIDN’T understand. I told them I’d been unhappy for years and my parents just let me cry it out for awhile and I spilled my heart out and they said everything would be okay. They supported me and said they’d help me in whatever way I needed. They were both understandly sad because they had loved him like a son for so long. My mom said “but he’s so nice! it’s just so sad.” and I said I’d find someone else that’s also nice and better for me. She cried a lot too. It was so hard. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever lived through.

I moved out a couple weeks after filing for divorce. I got my own apartment and took my cat. I lived alone and just had “me time” for awhile. It was great. I finally got to know who I was and what I wanted. I had fun and made new friends and hung out with my coworkers who became great friends. I learned a lot about me and what I wanted in life. I needed that time. It was lonely and sad and great and helpful and much needed.

The whispers and the gossip that crawed through my small hometown was ridiculous and broke me a little bit though. It crushed my reputation and it crushed me to hear people talk poorly about my parents and family too. People made up their own stories and rumors about why we were getting divorced because everyone loves good gossip when it’s not about them. It was bad. I avoided going to that city except to visit my parents. (My apartment was in a large city about a half hour from my hometown.) But it eventually faded. Someone else did something worse or had a kid with someone scaldalous and whatnot. People forgot. I forgot. I don’t even think of him anymore.

It’s odd sometimes. On the day our divorce was finalized we sat in the courtroom together and giggled at the couple getting divorced before us. There’s was not easy but they were sort of ridiculous humans. We went up there afterwards and handed the judge all of our paperwork and settlement already all sorted. We split everything and just each took our things. We agreed on everything. The judge was kind of shocked. It took about 10 minutes. It was kind of funny. When we left the courthouse we actually hugged, and he said “Thank you. You were right. I’ve finally realized it. We weren’t right for each other. Good luck.” 

It was very bittersweet.

But. It was worth it. Everything was worth it. I’m so much happier now. I never thought I could be this happy. I have three cats and one puppy and a house with room for kids, and a fiancé that is absolutely perfect for me. We get married in May. I cannot wait. 

(Also a note that I did not read any of this over before publishing, because I rarely talk about this and didn’t really want to reread. Apologies for any typos and run ons.)

________

It will be hard. I know, I’ve lived it too. But if you’re feeling this way I know you’re making the right choice, and it will be much easier doing it now before you’re married. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you GOT this. You will be thankful one day. You will be happier one day.

I wish you the best of luck! <3

Post # 10
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I have lived your relationship. Six and a half years, starting when I was 19 and he was 23. I became some other version of myself to make him happy. Meanwhile, he took no interest in my life. Never asked me about my job, made up excuses not to spend time with my family or friends, etc.  There were plenty of red flags that I also chose to ignore, because when you put that much time and effort into someone, you want it to work out. You want to believe that someday they’ll put in the same effort that you do. But you can waste a lot of time wishing for that and it never happens. I’m so happy that you are making this decision for yourself. It was a difficult decision for me to make, mostly because I was also unsure of how to tell him and how he would react. But don’t let that fear stop you: there’s a better life and love ahead for you. My current relationship is completely different and I’ve never been happier. Everyone deserves to have someone who cherishes them. Good luck with everything!

Post # 11
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2020

 From what I’ve read about you, is that you can make it on your own. No joint bank account ,no loans, no real ties to each other aside from the 6 years of your time. If you have red flags and you feel uncomfortable,  that’s your body telling you it’s not going to work. It’s only fair to call it off, why waste each others time. You need someone who brings as much to the table as you do, or you’re going to feel like a it’s all take and no give.That can wear someone down.

Post # 12
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2020

View original reply
blue_bride :  that’s so crazy I had the same experience with my ex in the same age frame as you. Nothing I wanted made him happy so I had to mold myself into what made him happy and I lost myself. Now that I look back on it I’m glad I’m I ended the relationship. I just wished I had ended it sooner. 

Post # 13
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

View original reply
britgotherstud :  Thanks for sharing your story! It’s amazing how much people can change in their teens/early 20s. Did you try to be friends/aquaintances after that, or did you decide to have a clean break? I had an ex who I dated for 6 years (started at 17) and he dragged his feet in life after graduating from undergrad. We tried at first, but it was slowing the healing process. I was hurt when he eventually basically ghosted me, but he was right to cut it off (although I wish there was more closure). 

Post # 14
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
alibe1988 :  hugs! You can do this. You deserve a happy life not a sad marriage. I was in a similar situation and to this day I am thankful I left. I never looked back. I’m so much happier and healthier now. And engaged to someone a million times better for me. 

Post # 15
Member
11349 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
alibe1988 :  

Oh, Bee.  Please don’t wrap yourself around the axel with fretting over him.  You are on such a good trajectory, don’t let pointless guilt blow you off course.

No one will die.  He will love again, probably insultingly quickly. He is a grown man, not a helpless child or a puppy you found in a snowdrift.

If you’re done, you’re done. It’s no more complex than that. Why do so many women invest so much energy into worrying about the men they’re leaving?  You can call it caring, I don’t think that’s it. To really care for someone means acting in good faith, with their best interests in mind. That almost always means a graceful exit and clean break, followed by No Contact.

The solicitiousness toward the stbex is more about making ourselves feel better. And be careful. There are people who will use your guilt feelings to manipulate you.

I did it, too, after I left my abusive exh. I’d be ashamed to tell you the stuff I did in my misguided efforts to help. Fortunately, he was such a jackass, he made it remarkably easy to not give a rip about him anymore.

 

 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors