Post # 16
- Wedding: May 2019 - Green Bay, WI
We were friendly, but not friends. If I had to text him about something I could, and it wasn’t weird. There’s no anger or hard feelings anymore. I ran into his new girlfriend and his sister recently and had a nice conversation with them that wasn’t awkward at all, so that’s good.
Post # 17
I would recommend counseling/therapy, both individual and couple’s, before breaking it off.
Post # 18
Thank you. It has been extremely difficult and I am in a lot of pain but I have faith it will be for the best.
Thank you so much for your post (impressively well written for not proof-reading). Of all days, today I needed to hear this. I officially called it off yesterday, but luckily I am stopping it early. Nothing wedding related has really been sent out yet. It was still so difficult though. It took me a few days because I was afraid, but I am glad I did. It was very ugly. Lots of emotions and anger and fear. But I still know it’s the right choice. I can relate to you and your story in SO many ways, which just confirms that it’s the best choice. We have grown apart a lot too. In the 6 years we have been together, I have worked many different jobs, constantly trying to develop new skills and professional growth, and I’m working on my second master’s degree. He has had the same entry-level job since the day I met him. He is unhappy with his job and pay but has little drive or ambition to get a better job or even go to school to get an associate’s or bachelor’s degree. We struggle financially because I am always helping pay for two people…because he never has money. When he has money, he spends it on himself or stuff he doesn’t need – like video games and other toys. I can’t tell you the last time I received a gift… even if he just made me something… there’s no thoughtuflness. Our future was not a priority and for years he chose not to save money toward our expenses. I was putting up all the wedding expenses. I regret this but I even had to put up half of the $ for my engagement ring (and it was pretty inexpensive). Mistake. It just has not felt like a partnership. I am taking care of a guy who is older than me. He is a good/friendly person that everyone adores, I don’t deny that. One of the sweetest guys I have met…but he is just not the right person for me. He does not meet my needs and does not have the ambition to change, and I don’t want to change him either. You can’t change a person and I recognized that I want to be able to see if a person works for me exactly as they are. Not by just picking any guy and hoping you can help them be better. He is now telling me that I just need to wait for him longer “to get his act together.” It’s unfair to ask me to wait though. I don’t have to wait for him because in waiting for him, that’s loving a POTENTIAL instead of loving what is already in front of me exactly as it is. It’s not fair to ask someone to stick around for POSSIBILITY of change. Plus, I have already waited 6 years. This is so difficult and I am not prepared to deal with it, so I appreciate you sharing your story. Your words mean everything.
Post # 19
Thank you for sharing your story. It is so helpful to hear from similar situations and your words give me the strength I need right now.
angieadore : You are absolutely right and this is why my instict tells me to cut it off now, before we get any deeper into things and have more ties. I have felt like it’s an “all take and no give”relationship for years too. I wish I saw this sooner. But I am glad I got my act together before comitting. There’s something better out there.
I am so happy to hear that you found a person better for you. I plan to take car of myself for a long time first before trying to jump into the dating world again. But I hope that when I do, I also feel grateful for having left.
he has already tried to guilt me into sticking around and waiting longer for him to make improvements. He cried, got angry, hit the wall, yelled mean things at me, then told me I was the only good thing in his life and does not want to lose me. He went through all the emotions and is processing it. Despite all that, I calmly held my ground and stuck to my decision – making it clear that I want the best for him and for myself because I care for his well-being. I feel bad for him but I know he will be okay. Once it all blows over I plan to cut off contact. I really do hope he finds happiness and works on that things he wants to improve.
Post # 20
You did the right thing, which is often the hard thing. I know it hurts, but you will come out stronger with a better understanding of what you will and will not tolerate in a partner. I ended an engagement and it was absolutely the best thing I could have done.
Post # 20
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
He punched the wall?? Damn! Yeah, he’s escalating … I’m proud of you for getting out now! You took a step a lot of women never feel able to do. Please be kind to yourself during the transition <3
Post # 21
Trying to manipulate you via guilt—emotional abuse.
Yelling mean things at you—verbal abuse.
Hitting a wall—emotional abuse. Smacking a wall qualifies as abuse, the objective was to intimidate you. Consider yourself warned.
Manylovesbee1 is right, he is escalating. Leaving someone who is abusive can get dangerous. You could easily miscalculate his potential for violence.
Be certain not to be alone with him again. And, No Contact is exactly the right next step.
Here is some information about what intimate partner abuse is.
Types of Domestic Violence
Post # 23
- Wedding: May 2019 - Green Bay, WI
I’m so proud of you for sticking with it. I know it’s tough. Now after reading your update I can relate even more with you. My ex also spent all his money on himself like stupid video games, and he said similar things to me when I tried to break it off. He said he’d change, he’d get better, he’d do better, and I did give him that extra chance and went through with the wedding but then he NEVER changed. He didn’t do a damn thing. I knew he wouldn’t change, but I stupidly wanted to believe it at the time.
He’s happier now, and I’m happier now. And he didn’t have to change, and neither did I.
All the best <3