(Closed) I'm going to end the relationship. (Cross necklace spinoff).

posted 6 years ago in Secular
Post # 107
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Wow. This is crazy! OP, I’m sorry people are flaming you for your decisions. I don’t blame you for breaking up with him, even if he is a sweet amazing wonderful incredible guy. I couldn’t be with someone who is religious because I whole heartedly agree with @crayfish:‘s comment.

To the other posters, maybe OP didn’t realize how she felt until this whole cross necklace came up. Maybe she thought she could handle his religion and only now realized that she can’t. To say that she should have had this conversation when they started dating or not dated him in the first place is right in an ideal world. But we’re not in an ideal world. And sometimes, you don’t know how you’re going to react or feel until a situation occurs. And occasionally over time, feelings change.

OP, I’m not really sure what you were looking for with this thread, but I don’t think A LOT of the comments here were right. But keeping in mind how your previous threads on this topic went, maybe you wanted some of the harsh comments? It seems like you really feel bad about this situation, especially since this guy is great. So maybe these negative comments justify the way you’re feeling in a weird way? I don’t know if that makes sense. But I don’t think you deserve these terrible comments. You’re not a bad person for changing your mind about being in a relationship with a religious man.  

Post # 108
Member
2793 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@banana_nut13:  So you’re upset that atheists aren’t repected then call out Christianity for being bogus. Hmm. 

 

@bowsergirl:  I respect your views (beliefs? or non-beliefs I guess would be more accurate?) and believe firmly in your freedom to have/not have them. Same goes for all atheists. I just wanted to point out that for many of the people who are being outspoken (let’s say) against the OP, it isn’t about religion. It’s about the inherent hypocrisy in the stories we’ve been told. Supposedly, her Fiance has been so supportive of her atheism, but she talks as if she would rather he converted. I understand that not everyone has to accept a religious token if they don’t want it, but how is it okay for her to give him a book on atheism after rejecting his gift? 

I don’t want to fight because I’ve always respected your posts. I just wanted to get my view in and try to turn the conversation from being about religion/atheism in general back to being what seemed like a sad situation for the OP’s Fiance.

My ExH is atheist, and oddly enough that was NOT one of the issues between us. I think couples can co-exist that way as long as MUTUAL respect is present. OP does not seem to have that respect. That being said, better she get out now than get married to him and end up maybe getting divorced later.

Post # 109
Member
2793 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@distracts:  Awwww. In a way, wouldn’t it be nice if a little bit of us could believe in unicorns for real? It’s like a year-long Santa i.e. we wouldn’t have to wait til Christmas for them to be around.

Post # 110
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

But honestly what’s the harm in believing in God?? That there is a heaven and hell ..really ine trying ot get to deep here but. If it isn’t true what harm is really done?? A group of ppl are proven wrong live a good life and die?? Yes there are some that show the opposite of what a Christian should be but there are alot that say they are christian but aren’t “saved” and walking the path they just believe there is a God. Anywhoo but if we are right we lived a life we believe in and make it to a plae we beieve in and wasn’t forced into “freedom of choice” ppl noone making you believe what you do. It can’t be proven that is true or false most christians aren’t trying to prove it that why christianity is based on faith. If you dunt believe, understand or get it that’s your right but that is a christian’s opinon… and it’s like a belly button everyone has one but they are still different.

Post # 111
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@arabbel:  “I don’t think people are in arms so much because she doesn’t like Christianity, but because she is stating that she is uncomfortable at the thought of someone trying to convert her or even secretly wanting her to convert, all the while seeing no problem with doing the exact same thing she doesn’t want done to her.”

This aspect is why I think they are best off breaking up. If you are going to be with someone of a different religion, fine, but if you are hoping that they change… no. That’s not gonna work.

Post # 112
Member
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@HisMoon:  +1 I never had a problem with OP being an atheist, it was how hypocritical she was being.  I’m not a fan of religion myself but I believe in God but to call anyone’s beliefe a fairy tail or lies is very rude and uncalled for.  We need to get off the religious talks and focus on the issue at hand, the OP and her impending break-up as I’m sure it is a difficult time for her.

Post # 113
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I can see why this an issue for many couples and I’m sorry that you are going through this; I can’t imagine how difficult it is for both of you.

I agree that it would be best if you avoided the phrase “If you were to become…” because the same would go for you and it would only take advantage of his weakness in wanting things to workout, if he wishes. The expectation is that both of you would compromise for one another but in actuality, it’s much more difficult in practice than in theory.

I know many couples who are from different religious denominations and they find ways to make things work. They chose to respect each other’s feelings and beliefs but agree to disagree. Some of these couples I know have very separate and private relationships with their religious affiliation or non-religious affiliation. You just have to find the right way for you to live happily and hopefully, he finds the same.

Good luck!

Post # 114
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

@jaylinjo:  You know, I don’t think it was totally necessary either, but I think Crayfish was trying to highlight why a lot of atheists cannot handle religion well. They don’t see it as believeing in something higher than yourself.  They see it as believing in imaginary things and thus illogical.  I’m not trying to be blasphemous or anything, just trying to state the truth of the matter. The think her comment was meant to show that this is how the OP might feel about all of this, even though many of you don’t think of it as a big deal and are making her out to be a terrible person.

Every person has their own comfort level on different issues. If this is going to bother her as much as it seems to, they are best apart.  A relationship built on mistrust will fall at the slightest nudge. We should support her right to choose for herself, instead of judging her choices.

Post # 115
Member
4369 posts
Honey bee

@kmc110:  I think you confuse the word “theory”. A “theory” as in “scientific theory” is the highest elevation we give to a scientific understanding. It means that it has withstood scientific scrutiny through testing, and has never been disproven. It’s not the common place use of the word “theory” which is just an educated guess, because regular ol’ “theories” aren’t put through multiple, variable-controlled tests.

 

Post # 116
Member
2113 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@banana_nut13:  r/atheism is a joke, that’s why it’s not a default anymore. And no one here is saying she’s evil, they’re saying she’s hypocritical. If it was the opposite way around, it would be the same way. Buddhist gave Christian prayer beads, they gave it back, said read the bible, don’t pray for me and then decided to leave because it’d be “too much” to ask for them to convert? Hell yea, I’d give the Christian shit. We aren’t saying she should make it work or stay with him. Obviously, it’s not going to happen. We’re just saying that she’s the bad guy in this scenario. She’s breaking a good guy’s heart for believing in what she doesn’t and not ceasing to believe.

Post # 117
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I feel as if this is a flounce post because YOU know this gets the bee hive stirred!

Post # 118
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I want to refrain from being hateful as many have been. I do agree breaking up sounds like a good choice for you both. I think he’ll be happier with someone who can accept and respect his beliefs, and you’ll be happier without having to feel religious pressure. For example having kids, I bet he’d want to baptise your children, and you’d probably be very uncomfortable, and in that case theres hardly compromise.

With that being said, I just don’t see why it had to come to this. If you REALLY love this man and he will be loving and caring and loyal to you and you can be the same, I feel like religion could be worked around. If he isn’t very devout and doesn’t regularly attend church or incorporate religion into his life, I feel like the issues could be dealt with. It sounds like he believes in God, and the power of prayer and belief, and he respects religious symbols and being a Christian when he feels it’s important.

The issues I’ve read you had are:
-Him giving you a religious symbol
-Him praying for you

To me, looking at this from the athiest perspectives given, you feel like the belief in God is ridiculous and that there’s no higher power, and that God is a silly political/agenda driven belief.

So I look at it this way,
Let’s say my husband believes that Hello Kitty, is the creator of me and you, and earth, and that Hello Kitty will help us find strength if we ask, and that Hello kitty provides Miracles. While this may sound so silly because to me Hello Kitty is just a made up cartoon, if that’s what he REALLY truly believes and was so strong about, I would move past how silly or against it I may be, because I love him and he is otherwise my best friend and a great partner.
If he wanted to ask Hello Kitty to help me, and wanted to give me a necklace that represents Hello Kitty, (I know this is very different than God and Crosses because it’s a pop culture refrence) I would just go with it, because to me, being the non “hello kitty” (God in your case) believer, than he’s just saying words and making a wish, and giving me a piece of metal with no power, but it makes him feel GOOD and feel like I’m SAFE

 Hello Kitty Sitting - hello-kitty Photo

 

Then sure, by all means, for the man I love I’d respect HIS beliefs. And  maybe allow something that feels foolish to me.

I mean, for sure dump him and draw the line if he disrespects your nonbeliefs  so far as to ask YOU to pray, and ask YOU to attend church , and whatever else  forces you to partake in the beliefs. But the necklace, which was borderline and  made you uncomforable, he was fine with taking back and he was so appologetic to  you. He is clearly very respectful of your non-belief, but you seem to step over  into his zone where he should be safe to practice his religion. I mean, I could  see saying “If you’d like to pray for me, I respect that, but please don’t tell  me about it because I feel uncomfortable with the thought, but I totally respect  your beliefs”

 

 

 

Post # 119
Member
3208 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@EmilyInIdaho:  Ugh, I feel absolutely awful for him since he seems so sweet and thoughtful, but at the same time, I believe you are doing what’s best for the both of you. I’m sorry you’re getting so much crap, but I think you’re right — this wll more likely than not cause problems for your future selves, and possible children. 

A friend of mine dated a really lovely Christian boy all through high school and university. They dated for about 8 years until she decided to end the relationship. He was devoted to his faith, and she felt like she was either couldn’t live to be the partner he deserved, or would always be strugglng to manipulate him to act/feel in ways that were against his faith. They have been broken up for two years, and she continues to be absolutely heartbroken. She knows that she could not be with him, but she hasn’t been able to find anyone as good to her either. It’s a really tough spot, and I think in your situation, you’re making the right decision. Get out before you spend a very significant portion of your lives together. Best of luck to you!

Post # 120
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m ok with my partner having different belief systems and all, but the ONE THING I can’t stand about christianity (and many religions) is that this “god” has to come before everything else. I don’t want to be 2nd to anything else in my partner’s life, so if his belief system includes loving some invisible dad before his wife, then no thanks, I don’t care how great he is he’s not good enough for me.

buddhism, or any set of beliefs which doesn’t include putting your favorite person in second place, I’m ok with. or even casual christians, who kinda believe in a higher power but don’t follow the bible to the letter. perhaps OP is worried about what I’m worried about–no matter how happy they are together, she’ll never be his “the one” because that place is already filled with an invisible person.

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