(Closed) IM HAVING A CRISIS SOAP OPERA

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

I think THEY are wrong for not inviting you.  Who does that?  You don’t invite one part of a married couple.  That’s maybe one of the rudest things I’ve ever heard.  On to your question though, I think your husband SHOULD, like his cousin, be on his bride’s side.  That woman will be his cousin’s wife, and he has a responsibility to stand up for her.  Likewise, you are your husband’s wife, and he has the responsibility of standing up for you.  That can be done without conflict…..he just should decline the invitation.  If it just slides by without notice, dont’ say anything.  If someone asks you, tell them it was your husband’s decision not to go and leave it at that.  If they ask him, he can either say he decided not to go or say he wanted to go with his wife as his date.  Plain and simple.  If you’re into sending gifts for a wedding you don’t attend, sign the card from BOTH of you, because you are a married couple, and that’s what married couples do.  I personally wouldn’t send a gift….but maybe you’re nicer than I am. 

Oh yeah, and I asked my fiancee what he would do if I were you, and he said there’s no way he’d go to the wedding and said he dares anyone to disrespect his wife like that, because it’ll be the last time.  I love that guy! 

Post # 4
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree with Gracielou 110%.

I don’t know what the underlying animosity is. Is your husband close (or was he) to his cousin?

Is there no way the family members can reconcile? If the said cousin were marrying someone else wouldn’t you and your husband be attending the wedding anyways? Did this said cousin attend YOUR wedding?

Weddings shouldn’t be a tool or a weapon used to continue family drama, but I can understand how certain situations are difficult to manage.

Best of luck. Take the high road, leave a door or "window" open for future reconciliation. (If there is any possibility for that- since you know more than I do about the situation.)  =o) So at least send a card of congratulations.

Post # 5
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I agree with Gracielou and Sparkles — to invite your husband and not you to the wedding is incredibly rude.  In My Humble Opinion your husband should not go if you are not welcome — but like Sparkles said we don’t know all the facts. Is your husband close to his cousin?  If he is, and if him not going to the wedding would really hurt them both, I would advise you to take the high road and tell your husband to go ahead and attend.

I *really* like Gracielou’s idea of sending a gift and a card signed by both of you.  It makes it clear the two of you are a team, and a gracious and classy gesture like that will drive home how rude the two of them were.

Post # 7
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

What a tough situation – I feel for you!  However, honestly, if they are close, then I’d just let him go without you.  I know it’s hard, but take the high road.  I’d even sign the card for the gift – just as that added bit of class. 🙂 

You could plan something extra special that weekend with some other friends to keep your mind on something else and make the best of it.   If you show up to make a point, you will be uncomfortable as will everyone else and it’s not really worth it. 

Best of luck whatever you decide. 

Post # 8
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree with everyone that says you should take the high road and let your husband go to the wedding without you. You are not wrong for wanting your husband to skip the wedding too…but from what you’ve wrote it seems your husband would really regret not being there.

One other thing to consider – if you do not allow your husband to attend the wedding, it might make you seem petty in front of your husband’s family. Then that starts a whole new drama. Now you can be the gracious one, and your ex-best friend can be tacky for not inviting you.

   

 

Post # 10
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

while normally i think it’s rude to invite only half a couple…as a bride I can 100% see why I wouldn’t want an ex best friend and someone who hates my guts to be at my wedding. Why would you ever invite someone like that to your wedding?  If she did invite you would you go? Would you let your husband go if you both were invited?

 And as someone who is close to their cousin I can also see why someone would really want their cousin to be at their wedding.  It really sounds to me like your husband and his cousin are stuck b/t a rock and a hard place (or two feuding wives).  I think for this one time I’d just let it go and let your husband go. Take the high road and be the more gracious person. Anyone who knows the story will think you’re an awesome wife. 

Post # 11
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Normally I would say that your husband should decline his singleton invitation out of respect for the way you’re being treated (which is petty and ridiculous), but I would make an exception because he and the cousin are close. Your husband is going as a favor to his cousin and friend and it would mean a lot to both of them. You will probably all enjoy yourselves the best if your husband goes and you find a fun thing to do at home with your girlfriends. 

Besides, even if you did get an invitation, do you even want to go in the first place (all principles and proprieties aside)? I think it would be no fun to go to a wedding with all that animosity in the air anyways. If anyone questions your absense, ask your husband to say that you had an important obligation that weekend and you couldn’t come and leave it at that–no need to broadcast the real reason for your absense. This girl’s rotten actions will speak for themselves.

I also love the idea of sending a mutual gift.

 

Post # 12
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m with you. I would not want my husband to go. BUT I do see and agree with the other very good points that everyone else is making. More than anything, I think you and your husband need to decide what is best for you two (since you are one now that you are joined in marriage!). No need to consider who came/was invited to your wedding, what happened between you and ex-bestie or what you would do if you were invited.

Will it hurt you if he attends the wedding? Would it be something that you would soon resent him for? Would it make you feel like he is "choosing" his cousin over you? I just don’t want you to be "the good, nice, gracious wife" if it will truly upset you now and in the future.

One the other side, will it hurt him if he doesn’t go? Would it be something he would resent you for? Would it make him feel like you are trying to control him?

And By The Way, the tag lines are funny!

Post # 13
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Oh, I wanted to add in response to what gracielou said about husbands and wives being united teams (which I think is spot on)….if your husband goes without you that doesn’t mean you’re not a team. Being a team means supporting each other’s decisions (and the reasons behind them), not being in the same physical location at all important functions.

So as a team you have to decide, which is more important: your feelings of disrespect and hating this girl for how she’s treating you (solution: he stays home) or his wanting to go to support his cousin despite the ridiculousness (solution: he goes without you)? For him to stay home and you to be acting as a team, it would have to be that your hurt feelings are significant enough that he should miss out on his friend/cousin’s important day. Are they? 

 

Post # 15
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

Everyone on here makes some good points.  Poor men…..they are always getting stuck in the middle of our silly women fights.  While I still feel like his responsibility is to you above all else (he’s not married to his cousin, after all), I think he should make the ultimate decision, and like other bees said, you should support him.  If that’s how it’s going to play out, I think he should bring a gift with a very nice card signed by both of you and even a note that says something very nice about how you hope their wedding is everything they dreamed of…..you could even throw in a very polite, "I’m sorry I missed it or I’m sorry I couldn’t be there but I’m sure it was beautiful" if you’re feeling ballsy.  Sorry….I’m passive aggressive, and I don’t care one bit.  THen I’d just let it all go.  YOur husband knows how you feel about it now and that’s that.  No use causing an argument between the two of you over this.  If that’s not enough, maybe you should call Dr. Laura, haha. 

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