(Closed) I'm having a nervous breakdown and need honest advice

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
4302 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@fivemonthsnotice:  I’m so sorry.  The fact of the matter is when it comes to finances and supporting each other, you both have to do the work.

The first thing I would do is get rid of that Camaro & free up $870.  Second I would hire someone worth it to help you with your business if he’s not cutting the slack.

I hate to say it, but it sounds like hubby needs an ultimatum.  You can’t change the past, you’re already married and you knew about the debt beforehand, but he needs to work with you to make the future better.

I know this sucks, but I would take any kind of part time job I could as well on top of the cleaning.  I mean, because if things do fall apart, you need to be able to support yourself anyways.  It’s important for your well-being and your daughters.

Ahhhh, good luck!

Post # 5
959 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think you’re looking to blame him for his past mistakes, Yes it was a slow turn around but he did sell the car and is trying.

Should he look at you and blame you for bringing 3 extra mouths to the table?

You can’t blame him for how he spent his money when he was single, it was his to use how he wanted, he’s adjusting for you now.

Take a deep breathe and realize the stress, the lack of performance and the slothfulness can also be a sign of depression. When my mother’s business went in the crapper she spent 5+ years at home barely making anything, we blamed her for being lazy and ungrateful that actually made it worse because she was going through depression and no one would understand or help her.

You need to help your husband realize he’s still worth something. Yes some day’s it will be damn HARD to do. But you’ll both be better for it. Keep looking for work, again it wont happen overnight but it will eventually happen. Stay strong and support each other.

If you can’t afford counsiling try a local place of faith who may be able to offer it for free given your situation.

Post # 6
4302 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@fivemonthsnotice:  Have you thought about filing for bankruptcy?

Post # 7
2415 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@fivemonthsnotice:  First things first–goodbye Camaro. $900 a month for a car is insane so, that should go quickly.

Second-Good job getting the cleaning job. Hopefully that will allow you to catch up on what you are behind on

Third-Your husband needs to man up and get a second job as well. You shouldn’t be the only one who is busting their behind to make ends meet.

Post # 8
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m going to be the “other” voice here and say you may want to consider divorce. He clearly was fraudulent in portraying himself to be one thing and now he is something else. Just because you married him doesn’t make his debt your responsibility. Also, if he had made way more strides in getting off his ass and making more contribution to working, or getting a second job, doing chores, etc….maybe he simply doesn’t want to! I am also older, independent, hard working and able to care for myself, but I would not a except that my partnership be so one sided and I would expect a lot more effort. You have children that need a good role model, and not just you being one.

Have a heart to heart and lay out your exact worries, expectations, and goals and give some time frames. If you reach milestones and either see efforts, or changes then your on the right road. If you get nothing- then you can thoughtfully make your next move, with or without him. if you are wasting your time, you want to know.

best wishes to you…



Post # 9
8434 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Your husband sounds exactly like my father.  My mom stayed married to him for 30 years.  When she finally divorced him, he left her with a $450k debt.  When he died a few weeks after the divorce, he cost her another $30k because he didn’t pay for his health insurance the past few months and they dropped his coverage.  He also had stopped paying life insurance payments, so that was dropped too (a policy my mother had been paying for 20+ years).

I don’t mean to scare you, but this is what I’ve experienced.  My father came from a wealthy family (each child was given $200k as a wedding present, in 1978, there were 5 kids), but in the end it did him no good to have the start up money.  I’m not saying divorce is the answer (obviously it did nothing for my mom), but some serious change needs to take place in order to make your marriage work.

Post # 10
7641 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I am raging mad-and heartbroken…lost…scared. I don’t think I want a divorce, but I am so scared that this will be my life forever.

Well? Do you like feeling scared, lost, and heart broken? If so, stay with him and be in debt because it doesn’t sound like he is helping out much.

Or do you want to feel liberated and not put your kids through all of this too? This is a crappy situation. If you think your marriage is strong enough to survive it then stay with him, but then you need to discuss his laziness of not helping. If he breaks down and doesn’t communicate or help out then you know where you stand as his wife and you need to get out of that situation. You aren’t his mother.

Post # 11
5397 posts
Bee Keeper

I was once told by someone very wise that our twilight thoughts (when we are between sleep and waking at night and in the morning) are very telling of our soul’s desire. If you woke up telling yourself to go, that may be your answer. I don’t think “because I love him” is always enough. You have to ask what you really want for yourself. 

Post # 12
11227 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@BlondeMissMolly:  +1 for both of you. 

He is a grown ass man who cannot manage his own finances? Bye.

Post # 13
9939 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@fivemonthsnotice:   You are in a pickle, that can’t be denied.  However – we all have burdens and challenges in life and every marriage has obstacles to be overcome.

You have to make a choice here.  The two of you, right now, are at cross-purposes and working against each other.  You need to stop that.  You need to get on each other’s side, be each other’s biggest fan and best friend.  You need to get on the same team. 

If you can’t or don’t want to do that, then maybe you should go.  But ask yourself – what would be better without him?  Would you miss him?  What do you love about him? 

He has debt.  Yep.  Guess what, my DH has debt leftover from his divorce because his ex-wife screwed him over royally when it came to money.  It all happened before me.  But it’s my debt now and I am helping him pay it down, slowly but surely.  We don’t talk about it or stress about it or argue about it.  We just do it.

The difference in a relationship that works and lasts, and one that doesn’t, is the ability to step back and get out of yourself a moment.  Take a breath and be grateful for the blessings in your life.  He needs to help you more, yes he does.  But what motivation does he have for helping someone who’s treating him like the proverbial enemy and an all-out loser?  He knows he made mistakes and he’s paying for them.  You can look at the glass as half-empty, if you so choose, and get a divorce.  Or, you can count your blessings and come up with a plan, together, to get out of the hole.

Treat him with respect, love and kindness, and tell him you believe in him and deeply need his love and help; he may respond better than you can imagine right now.  If he doesn’t respond – then leave  – knowing you gave your marriage every chance you could. 

But the first thing to do is change your attitude about your marriage and your husband if you want to have even a prayer of it working out.   Remember – ignore what you want to go away, and pay attention to what you want to grow and expand in your life. 

Post # 15
11259 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@fivemonthsnotice:  i’m sorry that you are still going through this.  i remember your posts prior to your wedding.

pp have given you very good advise.  to add to that, i think that maybe you need to think about what you want in life.  where do you want to be a year from now, five years from now?   set yourself some realistic goals and then figure out a way to achieve those goals.  ask yourself, what steps need to be taken? 

sometimes you need to take a few steps back to ever move forward.   i’ve had to.

now, when you discuss this with your dh, find out where he wants to be.  how does he propose to achieve those goals?  what are he steps?  what is he suggesting?  is he serious and realistic?  are you on the same page?  these are good questions to see if there will be, or even should be a long term relationship between you two.

good luck with everything.  let me know if you need to chat, just pm me.

Post # 16
2436 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@fivemonthsnotice:  I would leave. He is not only financially irresponsible, he has been hiding his dirty laundry from you and lying about it. There comes a point where feelings are no longer relevant: this man will ruin your life.

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