(Closed) I'm having a wedding (for my family) and I'm miserable

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 

megaswell: that’s a tricky situation. Luckily,there’s only a couple more months. I guess my only advice is to look at the big picture of you marrying your fiance! No,it’s not exactly how you saw it but at the end of the day you’re married and with people that love and are happy for you. I would not cancel everything because that would add an additional issue of your parents and their loss of money to the picture. Just forget about everyone else. Pick a dress that you like and that your future husband would like. If your parents try to come to you with last minutes things,let them handle it. Let them know you’re basicalu done. But nicely,because they’re still your parents:)

Post # 17
Member
1616 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Cape May

I’m sorry that your wedding is turning into this, and I’m right there with you. Our simple ceremony followed by lunch with family has become an over the top venue with 40 guests. Except I’m footing the whole bill and we’ve had unexpected expenses arise and Fiance and I are ready to pull the plug and elope. For months we’ve been arguing and fighting ever since this wedding started. His mom texts me constantly telling me how I should do things. And our budget is so out of whack that we can’t afford the things we want most, like rings and a nice ceremony. So I understand how you feel, because losing control of your own wedding can be overwhelming. On one hand it’s almost over. On the other how much is your sanity and your health worth to you? Will you look back and be glad mom got to have HER wedding ( after all it’s less yours and more hers) or will you regret not sticking to your guns and just keeping it simple? I wish you and your Fiance the best and try to keep in mind what’s important to you two the most. That’s something that we’ve forgotten about as I let this thing get entirely out of hand. All weekend we will be going over contracts and deciding if canceling and eloping is our best option! 

Post # 19
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Since family members are treating this like their wedding, let them make all the choices so you don’t have to be stressed out.

My parents tried to buy my compliance when I was engaged too. Unfortunately, I wanted an intimate wedding while my mother was angrily insisting on a huge extravagant event that horrified my husband and I. We eloped. I understood that if parents are paying, they have the final say on everything. However, it felt like our wishes were not being respected at all and that didn’t sit well with us. We didn’t want to start a trend of my mother making decisions for us as a couple.

I am sorry this is happening to you. I wish that you were earlier in the process so that I could tell you not to accept their money and do things your way.

Post # 20
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Its not too late. If you are unhappy take control over what you can. Would you be happier speaking out now or would you have regrets going through with everything just to please other people? Ultimately it is all your decision. You can either stop everything and do this the way you want, put the brakes on everyone else and stop adding more things that you don’t want, or suck it up and go along with it all and have their ideal wedding just to make them happy. Good luck with your decision.

Post # 21
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

If you truly don’t care can you just turn things over to your parents? Not your gown – you do need to pick that, but it doesn’t have to be a big teary “Oh my gawd I found the perfect dress…sob…sob…” kind of thing. But the food and flowers and all that stuff – could you just let your parents plan all that?

I had a good friend who got married in his wife’s hometown, which was across the country from where they lived. Her mom and sister planned the whole thing. My friend provided his family and their friend’s names for the guest list. And my friend picked the band, because that was super important to him. And they each picked their clothes. And the mom and sister would sometimes call to ask for opinions/preferences, but they handled the large majority of planning. My friend literally saw the invitations when they got theirs in the mail (I thought it was kinda funny that they got invited to their own wedding!). My friend and his wife basically just showed up with their clothes and said “Okay, what do I do now?” Everything probably wasn’t exactly how they would have planned it but it was super un-stressful and they had a ball. 

Post # 22
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You are definitely not alone in feeling this way!! I have felt this way for much of my own wedding planning, and I’m glad you posted this because reading through everyones’s responses made me feel happy. We got engaged last summer, and we a very outdoorsy couple (he proposed on a mountaineering trip we took together), and if we could have it our way, we’d have a private ceremony in the mountains with just immediate family. We actually discussed this with our families, but my parents were really really set on having a bigger wedding. They have saved up money for the wedding for years, and I got convinced because in the end, family is important to us so I figured ok, sure, lets have a bigger wedding. But once the planning got started, it evolved into a much much bigger wedding (over 300 invited!!), and all these logistical details that I didn’t care about. I realized everyone else has an opinion and you’ll never please everyone. trying to agree on something between my mom, sister, grandma, and future inlaws is near impossible, let alone all the other guests my mom is trying to please. And Fiance and I are uncomfortable with the amount of money being spent– it goes against a fundamental life value we have. Around October, I had a serious talk with him, and told him I wanted to cancel it, that we wouldn’t have lost that much money, and just elope. He calmed me down and helped me realize how upset that would cause our families to be which would just be even MORE stress, and something that they probably would hold bad feelings over. 

Fast forward to now. My wedding is in less than 3 weeks. Has it been stressful? Sooooo stressful. I don’t care about any of these decisions. But I try and remember this wedding is for them. My parents are so excited and proud to show us off at the wedding, and to have a good party for people. This wedding is for them, not for us. We’ve decided on our honeymoon to have “OUR” ceremony and say our own private vows in the mountains together with no one else around. That has allowed me to feel like we still get our wedding ceremony that we would want but our families are also happy. And you have to just let the details go. They are paying for it, so it IS their party, so let them make the final say unless you really really care (pick your battles). And in the end, like everyone has said, just remember that at the end of the day you will be married to your best friend and that’s all thats matters. I find myself trying to calm down my mom, my Maid/Matron of Honor (sister), etc which makes me feel frustrated sometimes bc I felt like that shouldn’t be my role, but if it helps things be less stressful its worth it. And my wonderful Fiance gives me massages. πŸ™‚ And I go for runs. And I try and meditate and relax as much as I can, and remind myself to try and just witness my feelings of stress without engaging in them. Its hard, and I agree, after the wedding, we will ALL be so relieved (mom also says can’t wait til its all over). But we’re both people pleasers and so that’s been what makes its so stressful. Just try and let it go, enjoy the positive aspects, and remember your wedding doesn’t define you, so those little things that you don’t agree with or like don’t matter. Like someone else said, just say surprise me, or just choose something randomly if you’re not into it. Just making a decision is the hardest part sometimes. 

My finance (and mom too even) already laugh at times about how ridiculous things have got, and really, sometimes thats all you can do. It’s better than crying πŸ˜‰ 

Hope you feel better! Sending hugs! We’re almost through it all πŸ˜‰  haha

eocenia:  I literally laughed out loud hard at the whole trout story… thanks for that! πŸ™‚

Post # 23
Member
774 posts
Busy bee

megaswell: sneak down to the courthouse now and sign the papers and celebrate privately with your husband and maybe just a couple close friends (with closed mouths). Maybe the secret knowledge that you are already married will help make all this other jazz seem humorous and less stressful. πŸ™‚

 

Post # 24
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

All these ideas are awesome bees! I am not in your situation, but my bridesmaid was. Her parents paid for the whole wedding, so it was all what they wanted. She wanted a nice quiet beach wedding, but that was not acceptable through the Catholic church, and her family insisted she follow the rules. She wanted a nice yellow dress instead of a the traditional kind. Her mom picked her dress!!! She has told me multiple times that at least I get to have the wedding that I want because I am paying for it. You are far from alone. I really like the idea of having the ceremony that you want in private right before or after the wedding. Even if you don’t sign official documents, just the physical act alone can bring you some peace. Best of luck to you!

Post # 25
Member
3039 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

mountainob: Being a people pleaser can sometimes put you in a really uncomfortable situation

+1 to that statement. For some reason, dad, who has no experience of party planning, decided to run the entire wedding show and that was a HUGE stress factor for me. I generally like to keep the peace, but I reached my breaking point and put down my foot. Getting to that moment was hugely stressful, and I can’t say that it got easier afterwards, but at least we ended up with a wedding that I thought was beautiful! And while I can still get annoyed thinking about certain aspects of it, there are definitely other things that are laugh worthy. Another example… Our wedding was a destination wedding in the sense that we got married in Northern Sweden where my parents live. The venues are few and far in between and basically my parents presented us with one single alternative, one that dad loved and mum was super hesitant about. Mum and I share the same sense of esthetics, but I caved in and the place was booked. About 5 months before the wedding I got cold feet and managed to scout a new location, which my mum adored. So it was all changed, but we still had the first place cater the event. Needless to say, dad was NOT pleased but I stood my ground. Fast forward to a week before the wedding – we all had to go and see the caterer at the original location. Dad was grumpy, and I could tell he thought the change was annoying and silly. Well, we got there and there were trailers parked all over the place (you can camp there, and they were fully booked) – not the wedding view I think most people envision… Anyway, we get out of the car and the first person I see is a over weight middle age man walking around in too small swimwear and with a huge spider net tattoo totally covering the most impressive man boob I’ve ever seen. We then walked through a bunch of chickens, and semi-naked kids smeared with ice cream, to get to the main building for our meeting. Through the entire catering talk we had a freaking rooster screaming its head off from under the deck. It was like something from Deliverance. My husband and I got into the car and just broke down in tears of laughter – it was all too bizarre not to find intensely amusing!

Anyway, great to hear that you can laugh about your planning process. Hope you have a successful wedding and a lovely ceremony during the honeymoon!

Post # 26
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I agree with PP’s that it might be too late to cancel everything. Although it is stressfull, your parents (at least I hope) are doing what they think is the best for you.

You could do stuff to minimize your stress:

– Hire a coordinator who will take care of all the details.

– Don’t overthink anything. Just pick something.

– Smile a lot while ignoring stressfull comments.

Stay strong! This is almost over πŸ˜€

Post # 26
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I agree with PP’s that it might be too late to cancel everything. Although it is stressfull, your parents (at least I hope) are doing what they think is the best for you.

You could do stuff to minimize your stress:

– Hire a coordinator who will take care of all the details.

– Don’t overthink anything. Just pick something.

– Smile a lot while ignoring stressfull comments.

Stay strong! This is almost over πŸ˜€

Post # 28
Member
2982 posts
Sugar bee

There is a bigger issue here – you the people pleaser versus you the person.  And the person has to be allowed out.

Luckily you have an ally – your fiance.  What you both need to do is have a long talk together about what you are at this stage prepared to compromise on and what you are prepared to fight for.  You then need to present a united from to both sets of parents.  This wedding has got out of hand in the sense of what started off as something small and private has ended up increasing in size until it has become uncontrollable.

At this late stage this is what I suggest. 

Do not compromise on the wedding ceremony itself.  This is the important and meaningful bit and it is up to you both how you wish to conduct it.  The other important bit is that you say your vows publically.  A marriage is, after all, a public declaration of love and commitment.

The rest is just fluff really.  If your parents want to spend lots of money on this then it is up to them.  Don’t feel guilty.  Make sure that you have the prettiest of dresses.

At this late stage it is difficult to change the reception without your parents losing lots of money.  You can, however, do some subverting so that you feel that you have a say in things. 

Choose some ribbon in your favourite colour and then make sure all the flowers have a little bit wrapped round them.  Write the story of how you and your Fiance met and fell in love.  Put only part of the story on each table so that all your guests have to put the parts together to get the whole story.  Write yourself a speech so that not only does your new husband, the best man, and your father have to give a speech, but that you also have something to say.  Not only cut the cake but ring the dinner gong together.  Buy a set of helium balloons with your names on them and then go outside and let the balloons go. 

Keep it simple.  Keep it unique.  Be prepared to defy convention.

After you have planned what you want to do you need to go out and buy some lovely and expensive attire for your wedding night.  Silk, satin, lace or whatever.  And remember that the best is yet to be.  The wedding day is just the first day of the rest of your lives.

Post # 29
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

megaswell:  I’m late to comment, but I just made an account to commiserate with you. My wedding is in October, I wanted a simple backyard informal bash with friends where I wear a cute little dress and we drink to excess. I’m getting a full-on wedding. πŸ™   My mother had suddenly decided I had a wedding fund, and now, entirely because I feel I would be disappointing her, I have a venue, a caterer, an expensive dress, blah blah blah. 

I hate every damn bit of it.  It’s been nothing but miserable and my mother keeps asking why I’m not having fun. Because it’s not fun, not in the least bit. 

Two weeks ago my wedding dress came in and I went to try it on, the consultant in her perky way asked if I was so excited?!?!? Meh. I had to fake it, I couldn’t care less about my wedding dress in that moment.  I just picked the one I thought looked best on me after days of shopping and having completely broken down sobbing in a dress store, while trying on a dress because I felt so horrible about myself.

All I want is to elope alone with my fiance, but I can’t because my mother specifically requested that she be in attendance at my wedding, whether at the Justice of the Peace or a wedding. She would never speak to me again.

So I keep moving on doing one thing at a time, just one because anything more induces complete panic. I advise checking one thing off the list and moving to the next. 

As my therapist told me, this isn’t for you, it’s for them. Make them happy and move on. 

At least I’m getting the honeymoon I want, that’s all I care about and all I’m putting my excitement towards.

I’m sure on the day of I’ll be happy that we did all the work, it will be a nice event and everyone will have fun, but boy does it suck getting there.

Hang in there and know there are others out there lurking that are as miserable about the whole planning process as you!

 

Post # 30
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

mademoisellesacha:  OMG I totally agree. I freaking hate every second of this and I’m paying for it all myself. I regeret letting myself be talked out of eloping. 

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